GOP Criticizes Economy for Recovering

Republican are condemning the economy for 23 consecutive months of growth, calling the move "a divisively partisan effort to help re-elect Obama and his economy-killing policies." Party leaders cite the fact that unemployment is at its lowest level in 3 years and the auto industry is doing well enough to hire Clint Eastwood for an ad as proof that the economy "hates America." They are calling on the economy to instead help the country by putting Americans out of work and going into the toilet until after the election.

Mitt Romney Likes Firing People

Latest GOP Front-Runner is You

DES MOINES- With one day before the Iowa caucuses, the latest candidate to edge ahead of Mitt Romney in the polls is you. Although you have only a little more governing experience than former front-runner Herman Cain, and nearly as tenuous a grasp on reality as former front-runner Michele Bachmann, the Republican base is excited by the fact that you are not a northeastern Mormon semi-billionaire named Mitt.

You are the latest in a string of front-runners that has included Rick Santorum, Ron Paul, Newt Gingrich, Rick Perry, Chris Christie, Donald Trump, Tim Tebow, the fat kid from "Stand by Me," and Mayor McCheese. Your sudden surge confirms the prediction that "in the future everyone will be the Republican front-runner for fifteen minutes," made by the late pop artist Andy Warhol, who was briefly the Republican front-runner in August.

Your popularity may be short-lived however, as the Romney campaign has unleashed a $30 million negative ad campaign alleging that you are out-of-touch with the American people, mentally unstable, and that your personal hygiene is shoddy at best.

Cain is Victim of Dem 'Time Machine'

PHOENIX- Herman Cain's presidential bid was going well until he became the GOP front runner. Then out of nowhere, he suddenly had to settle two sexual harassment suits a decade ago. In a press conference yesterday he claimed that he was the victim of "the Democrat Machine"-- a machine which many analysts now suspect is a time machine.

"It seems like a pretty big coincidence that these allegations didn't exist until last week, when they suddenly had been a matter of public record since 1999," a campaign spokesperson said.

Cain also was alarmed when just days after he warned that China was trying to develop nuclear weapons, the Asian superpower suddenly developed them in 1964.

"We're not the ones making Cain look bad," claimed Democratic National Committee spokesperson, Emmett Brown. "And whether it was last month when he compared his candidacy to a popular ice-cream flavor that suddenly hasn't existed for years, or next month when he trips over the podium at the 103rd Republican debate, there's no 'time machine' involved."

"Of course there's a time machine," said one Republican strategist. "How else could Obama fake his birth announcement in 1961? Or wreck the economy nearly three years before he took office? How else could he have slipped a made-up 'separation of Church and state' into the Constitution?"

Pres. Obama was unavailable to respond to the allegations as he was attending a fundraising gala in 1920.

Cain and Bachmann Have "Crazy-Off" Duel

HANOVER, NH- In last night's GOP debate, pizza-mogul Herman Cain touted his "9-9-9" tax plan, saying that it had been devised with the help of one of the world's leading economists, some guy who works at a bank in Cleveland. Rep. Michele Bachmann, who recently has slipped behind Cain among mentally unhinged voters, attacked Cain's plan on the grounds that "when you take the 9-9-9 plan and you turn it upside down" it spells "6-6-6."

Accepting Rep. Bachmann's challenge to an all-out crazy-off, Cain reportedly now is developing a new border security plan with the help of a chain-link expert from a Milwaukee Home Depot and a Wichita LoJack salesman.

The Bachmann campaign released a statement that a Cain presidency would be disastrous for the country because the letters from "President Herman Cain" can be re-arranged to spell "I rent penis dancer ham," a phrase that suggests both sexual immorality and the end of American ham ownership.

Gov. Perry Wants to Get It On With America

IOWA CITY- Presidential hopeful, Gov. Rick Perry said yesterday that the US deserves a president who is "in love with America." Sources close to the Texas governor say he has had a crush on the United States since his pre-teen years. During junior high, he would spend long hours locked in his room, surrounded by posters of scantily clad purple mountain majesties, or suggestive pictures of amber waves of grain washing a sports car.

Unlike Pres. Obama, who only calls a press conference when he has business to discuss, Gov. Perry promises if elected to frequently call press conferences just to say "I love you," or to ask the nation how its day is going. And he promises to never mention how fat America is getting.

In lieu of a jobs bill or stimulus plan, Perry would frequently surprise the US with flowers or little love notes. And as with the last Texas governor who became president, America should expect to get f*cked good and hard.

'May 21 Doomsayers Are Crazy,' Says 2012 Doomsayer

Followers of the Rev. Harold Camping and his Family Radio Network are preparing for the end of the world on May 21st, a date Camping arrived at using a mathematical formula to derive hidden messages from the Bible.

"What a load of hooey," says Grover Mulch, one of many believers that the world will instead end on December 21st, 2012, as predicted by the Mayan calendar. "Anyone who thinks you can figure out the end of the world from a thousands-of-years-old book is crazy. Clearly you need a thousands-of-years-old stone carving to do that."

Mulch fears the hype around May 21st will get many believers into trouble. "People are quitting their jobs and spending all their savings. What's going to happen when May 21st comes and goes, and they have to support their families for another 19 months?" Mulch has no such financial concerns for himself, having received a large advance payment from black market organ smugglers who expect to harvest his kidneys in 2013. "Suckers!" says Mulch.

Of course there are a few people who don't believe the world will end on either of those days. Melvin Lessor believes the true date of the apocalypse is September 6, 1994, the day Rev. Camping originally predicted. Lessor has been living in an underground bunker for the past sixteen years, repeatedly listening to his Ace of Bass CD and searching AltaVista for confirmation that Fox's Party of Five was in fact the final achievement of human civilization.

Mayans Predict Palin Will End World in 2012

2012 was number one at the box office this weekend. The picture is based on the ancient Mayan prophecy that the world will end in 2012 after Sarah Palin's election as president.

According to Mayan scholars, the ancient mystics believed the end of time would result from the

apotheosis of a charismatic, yet vastly stupid woman, so extremely unsuited for leadership that her rise to power would cause the very universe to collapse in on itself. "The hieroglyphics depict her as a flying huntress," explains Harvard Mayanist, Ian Whetherby, "one who shoots down wolves from a floating chariot that very much resembles a helicopter."

Whetherby warns however, against reading too much into the prophecy. "These are just the attempts of a primitive society to understand their world," advising that any correlation with modern events should be looked on as coincidental.

"That said," he continues, "the inscriptions do specifically name the 'doom-bringer' as Sarah Palin, a former beauty-queen and governor of Alaska, and mother to a brood of offspring with nonsensical names."

When asked about the prophecy at a stop on her book tour, Palin dismissed it as a "wild and paranoid conspiracy theory," and urged the public to focus on the real issues facing our nation, "like how Obama forged his birth certificate to illegally become president, create death panels, and take God off our coins."