Saturday, January 17, 2009

Bush Looks for One Last Thing to F*** Up

WASHINGTON, DC. With just over forty-eight hours left to his presidency, George W. Bush has been thinking about his legacy. When he was first elected, the nation was experiencing an economic boom, a nearly six-trillion dollar budget surplus, domestic tranquility, and seemed to be making substantial progress in brokering middle-east peace. "Those are terrible conditions for being in the White House," President Bush explained in an exclusive interview with the Inquisition. "It's boring. It's what they call in the business, 'bad tv.'"

Despite such inauspicious circumstances, Bush has managed to preside over the largest attack ever on US soil, two wars that have cost the lives of nearly five-thousand American soldiers and an untold number of civilians, a pre-Magna Carta era policy on civil liberties, the destruction of an entire US city, the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression, a growing national debt so large that mathematicians may soon need to invent new numbers to quantify it, a collapse of the Israeli-Palestinian ceasefire, a strengthened Al Qaeda, a nuclear-armed North Korea, a breakdown of diplomatic relations with our allies, a critically damaged environment, and even a tri-continental plague of locusts in 2004 (this is literally true-- look it up).

Even in light of these achievements, the president who called himself the Decider, is concerned that history may not be kind to him. "My presidency has been what the queen of England would call an 'annus horribilis,' or 'a horrible anus,'" the president explained, "but I don't know if it's enough to make it stick in the books." Bush compared himself to King Jehoram of Israel. "When he was president, things got so bad, mothers ate their own babies. We haven't seen anything even close to that," adding, "yet."

The president has not given up hope that in these last two days he can accomplish one final catastrophe. "When I owned the Texas Rangers," he said, "I told them, as long as there's time on the clock, you just keep running with the ball. I've still got the nuclear strike codes, and I'm not ruling anything off the table."

No matter what the president is able to accomplish in his final hours, he is sure to leave office with some regrets. "I was really hoping for a global zombie epidemic," he said with a sigh, "but it looks like it's just not going to happen."

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