'Spider-Man' Not Cursed, Julie Taymor Claims

NEW YORK- After this week's accident, in which an actor fell thirty feet into the orchestra pit, becoming the forth cast-member to suffer serious injury, rumors are circulating that the Spider-Man musical is under an actual black magic curse.

"That's ridiculous," says visionary director Julie Taymor, while spraying a fire-extinguisher on a cast member who has spontaneously burst into flames. "I don't believe in curses, or even bad luck." Nevertheless, the show which has been repeatedly delayed, gone bankrupt once, and whose original producer died of a stroke while signing a contract with The Edge, does seem to have suffered more than its share of ill-fortune.

"Even if there were such a thing as 'bad luck,' there's no reason why it should happen to this show more than any other," Taymor says while rehearsing a scene in which hundreds of live black cats are released into the paths of her cast members.

Critics suggest that the show has suffered from Taymor's insistence on loading it with unnecessarily complicated stunts that don't even have anything to do with the story, such as one scene in which Spidey dives under a dozen ladders so he can smash a hall of mirrors and knock over a fifty-gallon drum of salt while screaming "Macbeth."

Taymor however, refuses to scale back her vision. "Sure, we could have made things simpler to save trouble and money," she says. "We didn't have to build the villain's armor out of gold stolen from an Egyptian tomb. We could have skimped on the set by not building it entirely from bones dug up from an Indian burial ground, but it's that attention to detail that makes this show special.

Taymor does admit that the decision to bury the severed hand of a gypsy under every seat in the theatre might have been a little over the top.

Christine O'Donnell Still Not a Witch

DOVER, DE- Christine O'Donnell's "I Am Not a Witch Ad" appears to be paying off. A new poll shows that only one in five Delaware voters believe the teaparty-backed Senate candidate is a practitioner of the black arts who has covenanted herself to Satan in an ancient unholy ritual.

Meanwhile, O'Donnell's opponent, Chris Coons is suffering from falling poll numbers, due largely to his unpopular move of recently turning into a frog.

Vampires Are Not Sexy (video)

Pundits Agree, God is Terrible Campaign Manager

In an interview this week, Delaware teabagger, Christine O'Donnell said God is guiding her Senate campaign.

This statement came on the heels of revelations that O'Donnell lied about where she went to college, is under investigation for tax evasion, and previously has vowed to stop Americans from having sex. In light of so much bad press, pundits agree that God is badly mismanaging her campaign.

It may be that God is taking on too much, as He also is managing the Senate campaign of Nevada's Sharron Angle. Since declaring that God was behind her, Angle has drawn fire for advocating the abolishment of the Department of Education, appearing to deny the existence of autism, and seeming to call for the assassination of her opponent.

These are not the first instances of God proving an ineffectual campaign manager. Sarah Palin has credited God as running her failed 2008 vice-presidential bid. He was also behind Pat Robertson's botched presidential run in 1988 and Jesus' 33 AD bid to become King of the Jews— a campaign run so badly that the candidate not only lost the election, but was nailed to a piece of wood.

Most pundits believe O'Donnell and Angle would do better to put their campaigns in the hands of a savvier manager, such as the Devil. However, Karl Rove claims he is retired from managing campaigns and is focusing all his energy on promoting his book.

Not to Be Outdone, Church Plans to Burn Muslims

GAINSEVILLE, FL- Impressed by the media attention Pastor Terry Jones has received for his planned "International Burn a Koran Day," rival Florida Pastor Graham Chapman is upping the ante by sponsoring an "International Burn a Muslim Day."

Chapman is calling on all God-fearing Americans to round up the Muslims in their communities and burn them on the lawn of the Prince of Peace Church tomorrow in the spirit of fellowship. "If you can't bring a Muslim," Pastor Chapman asks, "maybe you can bring some drinks… or ice."

Chapman comes from a long line of burners. His father used to burn crosses on lawns, and his great great grandfather used to burn witches.

The announcement of Chapman's plan came this week as the pastor returned from the Burning Man festival in Nevada, an event whose name he complains is "grossly misleading."

Kagan Criticized for Not Revealing Something Horrible About Herself

WASHINGTON, DC - Confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan begin today. Republicans already have expressed outrage that in the 46,500 pages of documents Kagan has provided the Senate Judiciary Committee, she has failed to provide any evidence that she is a judicial activist, a socialist, a child molester, or a witch. "It's all very suspicious," says Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-AL). "You have to wonder what she's hiding."

"I'm not saying she's got a basement full of severed human heads," says Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC), "but the fact that she's refused to show any proof that she does is deeply troubling." Republicans warn that if Kagan does not voluntarily proffer reasonable grounds to filibuster her nomination, they will have no choice but to filibuster her nomination.

House Passes Health Bill, Death Panels Storm Capitol

WASHINGTON, DC- Within minutes of the House passing historic health reform, death panels marched through Washington, killing babies, grandmothers, and American liberty. "Everything the Republicans said was true," screamed a shocked House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA). "They sounded so crazy, but they were right."

President Obama hailed the bill's passage as "not a victory for any one party, but a victory for me, and other secretly gay Muslim Kenyans plotting to destroy the US."

As the socialist Nazi death squads stormed the streets, our founding fathers were seen rising from their graves in outrage. "We built this nation on the core principle that no American should ever have affordable health care," cried a zombie George Washington as he devoured the brains of an innocent passer-by. "Now you've ruined everything."

Apple Denies iPad is 'iPod for Giants'

SAN FRANCISCO- After months of anticipation, Apple yesterday unveiled the device that is supposed to forever change the way we do everything: the iPad, a "magical and revolutionary" product that will allow users to listen to music, watch videos, run apps, surf the internet, and basically do everything they currently do on an iPod Touch, only on a device four times its size.

"But don't think for a moment this is just an oversized iPod," Steve Jobs explained. "This is a completely new technology. First, it's bigger. Secondly, it's larger. And third, it costs between $500-830."

Apple's CEO was quick to dispel rumors about the new product. "What this is absolutely not is an attempt to curry favor with a race of giants who will soon descend upon humanity and devour us. This is a device for normal sized people." He then added, "of course if you happen to be a twenty-foot tall hulking monstrosity with a taste for human flesh, this is a great way to carry around your entire music library and check email on the go, and it fits neatly in the pocket of any size 96 pair of pants."

Making his remarks from the foot of a beanstalk near Cupertino, Jobs announced that the iPad will be available by late March, and that he will accept payment in golden eggs.

America Cursed with Pat Robertson Due to 'Pact with Devil'

In the shocking wake of Pat Robertson's statement that the Haiti earthquake was God's will, and a "blessing in disguise," Americans-- particularly Americans of faith-- are wondering what they did to deserve such a person as the Republican televangelist.

"I just don't understand how a loving and just God can allow someone like [Robertson] to exist," says Mabel Wren, a Methodist in North Dakota.

The former presidential candidate has sparked frequent outrage in the past, such as when he blamed 9/11 on American immorality, or when he called on his followers to pray for the death of Supreme Court justices. Theologian, the Rev. Juan Kook, has a theory as to why Robertson has been inflicted upon America. "Our founding fathers made a pact with the Devil to defeat the British, and today God is punishing us with Pat Robertson."

Why punish us now, more than two hundred years later? "The thing you have to understand about the way the Lord works," Kook explains, "is that the Dude's a serious procrastinator. He promises to smite you one minute, then stops to check His Facebook page and bam! A couple centuries have gone by."

As Robertson is now 79, many hope the days of suffering under his affliction are drawing to a close, but Kook warns that "when God really wants to stick it to you, he can prolong the life of someone like that indefinitely." Kook cites the case of South Carolina senator/statutory rapist Strom Thurmond, who lived to be 470. "Let's face it," says Kook, "no one knows how to hold a grudge like God does."

Thousands Run Screaming from Health Bill

WASHINGTON, DC- In August, Alaskan housewife, Sarah Palin warned that health reform would bring death panels. This week Virginia Foxx (who is not a porn star, but in fact a US congresswoman) warned that the healthcare bill poses a greater threat to our nation than "any terrorist right now in any country." Even the Boogeyman has warned that health reform is scary, but no one was prepared for the horror yesterday when the nearly 2,000 page House bill HR 3962 broke free from its shackles and lumbered out of the Capitol, threatening millions of Americans with affordable healthcare.

"For God's sake, no," one woman screamed, clutching her toddler, "whatever you do, don't insure my child."

A handful of radicals tried to calm the public, including the President of the United States, the AARP, the American Medical Association, the American Nurses Association, the American Cancer Society, the Consumers Union, and the National Farmers Union. They claimed the hideous, lurching Affordable Health Care for America Act was a gentle, loving creature that was just misunderstood, but their words were drowned out by the screams of terrified villagers, who feared they would soon be forced to suffer long, healthy lives at the hands of doctors they trust.

Their alarm was understandable. It is estimated that lack of health coverage allows 45,000 Americans to die each year, freeing them from the pain and suffering of life, which would be inflicted upon them by universal healthcare.

Soon a torch-wielding mob of tea-baggers drove the beast back into the Capitol, where it will remain until the House votes on its fate tomorrow at 6:00pm. Concerned citizens hoping to influence Congress to either kill the monster, or set it loose on a life-giving rampage are urged to call the US Capitol at (202) 224-3121, ask for their representative's office, and tell them where they stand.

'Enough With the Vampires,' Werewolf Says

ROCKVILLE, MD- With the sudden popularity of the Twilight book and movie franchise, HBO's True Blood, and the CW's Vampire Diaries, Vampires are once again in vogue. Rick Goodhue, a data analyst and werewolf in suburban Maryland has had about enough of it. "I'm sick of women swooning over these pasty-faced blood-junkies," he says. "They may look twenty-something, but most of them are older than Hugh Hefner and John McCain put together. What kind of guy goes out with a girl three hundred years younger?"

Goodhue believes women seeking a supernatural soul mate would do better to date werewolves. "Contrary to stereotypes," he says, "in our human form we're no hairier than anybody else. In fact we're much better groomers than vampires because, hello, we can look in a mirror."

Werewolves have numerous dating advantages over vampires, such as being able to enjoy a nice dinner, or not bursting into flames in daylight, but somehow they seem to lack the erotic appeal of a moody four-hundred-year-old dead guy. Relationship advisor/hideous Frankenstein monster, Dr. Phil speculates that werewolves simply may not be exotic enough. "Most of the time they're just like everybody else," he explains. "The only difference between a human boyfriend and a werewolf boyfriend is that at a certain time of the month he turns into a ferocious beast who tries to kill you," adding, "There is no difference between a human girlfriend and a werewolf girlfriend."

Boogeyman Attacks Health Reform (Video)

America's Health Insurance Plans, a lobbying group for the insurance industry released a new study this week, claiming any type of healthcare reform will double the cost of insurance for the average American. Reform supporters have dismissed this as "more fear mongering," however AHIP denies ever mongering fear. The group has referred all questions regarding the study to their new spokesperson, the Boogeyman. Watch the video below, or larger on YouTube.

Patrick Armitage, Gabe Bartalos, Brandon Cruz, Tim Foley, Claire Harding, Jen Houston, Stephen Mosher, Allan Piper, and Stella Sensel contributed to this report.

Senator Announces Divorce from Reality

DES MOINES- One day after declaring at a town hall meeting that the Democrat-backed healthcare reform plan does indeed contain provisions of "death panels," Iowa Republican Sen. Chuck Grassley announced that he and Reality will be ending their seventy-six year relationship due to "irreconcilable differences."

Those close to the senator report that his relationship with Reality has been rocky since his declaration last month that Supreme Court Nominee Sonia Sotomayor lacked a basic understanding of "what the Supreme Court is." Others suggest that Grassley's spat with Reality may have begun as early as January, when he moved to freeze funding for the National Science Foundation for fear that the scientists would use the money to look at porn.

A Grassley aide explained that the separation from Reality will free the senator to warn the public of the true dangers of the healthcare reform plan, which threatens to put vital medical decisions in the hands of government beaurocrats, socialists, and known witches. Responding to claims from Reality that Grassley is a pathetic, semi-senile old man cynically preying on fear to score political points, the aide replied "Don't listen to her. That's just Reality talking."

Healthcare Fears Remain After Obama Press Conference

In a prime time press conference, President Obama made his case for healthcare reform, but across the nation, doubts remain. "Government needs to stay out of healthcare," says Merta Boyle of Ohio. "What treatment is best for me is a private decision that only my insurance company can make for me."

"We don't want socialized healthcare like France," says Burt Sanchez of Tennessee, referring to the infamous

gaullist system, in which women who smoke, drink, and eat butter all day are allowed to live to 120.

"I don't like the price tag," says Ogden Chang of Florida. "If we're going to spend a trillion dollars, it better be on something worthwhile, like invading and occupying a country for six years, or propping up a bank."

"Obama keeps saying our current system is too costly, but it doesn't really cost anything," says VitaWell Insurance CEO, Milton Winchell. "We cancel our policies as soon as someone get sick, so we never pay a dime," adding "I mean, hello? It's called health insurance not sick insurance."

"Obama's plan is going to hurt small businesses like mine," says David Wiener, president of Wiener and Associates. "As a boss, I'm a real d--k. The only reason my employees don't quit is they're afraid of losing their health insurance. If people can just go out and buy into a public plan, how are we going to keep them locked in dead end jobs for the rest of their lives?"

"I think the Obama plan is just plain scary," says Irving Plank of Nebraska. "I saw this add with spooky music, and this guy with a deep voice said 'the Obama healthcare plan,' and then he yelled 'Boo!' I just about s--t myself."

"I don't think [Obama] was honest about the sacrifices he wants us to make," says Beth Wart of Indiana. "I mean actual sacrifices. I saw on Fox News, Obama's plan requires us to sacrifice our children to the demon Molech. That's the part nobody wants to talk about."

In his statement, the president insisted that he will sign healthcare reform into law by the end of the year, but clearly there are a lot of people who have yet to be won over.

Obama Invokes Theatrical Curse

In a speech honoring Lincoln's 200th birthday, at Ford's Theatre, where the sixteenth president was assassinated, President Obama said aloud the name of Shakespeare's Macbeth, inadvertently running afoul of the deepest superstition in theatre history. Saying the name of the Scottish tragedy in a theatre is considered the epitome of bad luck.

Mistress Mysteria, one of the nation's leading psychics, predicts that as a result of this grave error, the president will be cursed with having to manage two wars and a devastating economic crisis, and will have to endure having his every move scrutinized for the next four to eight years. "I wouldn't wish that on anyone," she says.

Roommate from Hell (video)

by Chris Pearson & Allan Piper

LOS ANGELES- In an ever worsening economy, more Americans are having to adopt unconventional living situations just to keep a roof over their heads. Eric Sharpe and Dave Stahler have been roommates for three years. Describing themselves respectively as a "neat freak" and "a slob," they often have felt like their two-bedroom, North Hollywood apartment wasn't big enough for the both of them. Nevertheless, when Dave recently lost his job and Eric suffered a pay cut, they decided to take on a third roommate.

"It's not an ideal situation," Eric admits. "We've had to give up a lot of space."

"Also," adds Dave, "our roommate is a demon who devours human souls, is trying to bring about the apocalypse, and really hogs the bathroom."

Tod von Unschuldigen (German for "death of the innocents") is a torment administrator from the Eighth Circle of Hell, who happened to be looking for a new apartment when Dave inadvertently summoned him in an attempt to get out of doing household chores. Tod had never considered moving to North Hollywood, because he regarded it as "too far from Hell, and not as nice a neighborhood," but when he learned that these two humans were seeking a roommate, things fell into place.

"Hell rents have gotten ridiculous," Tod explains. "And with all the real estate agents who end up down there, you always have to pay a broker's fee."

Living in such tight quarters requires a lot of compromise. "Unfortunately," Eric laments, "not everybody in this house understands human standards of decency."

"It's true," Tod confirms. "Dave has no sense of boundaries. I had a bag of hornets I'd been saving, and Dave just went and ate the whole thing."

"Hey, if you don't write your name on it, it's fair game," Dave counters. "Anyway, they were gross."

Given such a difference of cultural backgrounds, some clashes are inevitable, but the roommates are doing their best to get along. "I'm an active member of a conservative church," Eric relates, "so a lot of people assume I'd have a problem living with the Prince of Lies."

"The Prince of Lies is my uncle," Tod corrects. "I'm just the Viscount of Misleading Statements."

"Anyway," Eric continues, "it turns out we have very similar moral values. We volunteered for McCain together. We both voted for Prop. 8. And while I'm not crazy about the fact that he slays virgins in his room and sets fire to their bodies on an altar of human skulls, as long as he pays his rent on time, it's really none of my business."

All three roommates hope to save enough to eventually get places of their own. In the meantime, Tod is grateful for the hospitality his human roommates have shown him. "I'm a stranger in the human realm," Tod says, "but now that I live here, they've really made me feel like I belong in their world. I hope before long I'll be able to do the same for them."

Click here to see a short documentary about the three roommates.