Friday, January 21, 2011

Michelle Obama Kills Children, Conservative Press Says

New statistics from the Governor's Highway Safety Administration show a 0.4% increase in pedestrian deaths in 2010. The Washington Examiner and the Daily Caller suggest Michelle Obama is to blame for the "sharp" rise. Her "Let's Move" campaign to fight childhood obesity is driving children away from the safety of their couches and into the paths of oncoming cars.

Reality TV star and paragon of parental responsibility, Sarah Palin has long derided the "Let's Move" campaign as a government takeover of the kitchen. It now appears that the First Lady's initiative also may be part of the administration's efforts to execute Americans via death panels.

To combat the dangerous influence of the "Let's Move" campaign, the video game industry is launching a "Never Move At All" campaign, urging children to maintain a permanently fixed position in front of their TVs and game units. "Thanks to the advent of laptops and smart phone technology, there is no longer any reason for children to make the long and dangerous trek between their TVs and their computers," a spokesperson says. "They should just stay put."

McDonald's is doing its part to boost child health and safety by redesigning the Happy Meal as a giant feedbag which parents can fasten to their children's muzzles, preventing them from ever having to get up for a snack. Once emptied, the feedbags then can be applied to the other end of the child until it is refilled and the cycle can be repeated.

The "Never Move At All" campaign is cautioning parents not to give in to the temptation to take their children out on a nice day for a game of catch. "As fun as that might be for a moment," the spokesperson says, "nothing compares to the beautiful glazed eyes, natural pallor, and oily sheen of a healthy, sedentary child."

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