Showing posts with label healthcare. Show all posts
Showing posts with label healthcare. Show all posts

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Millions Flood Websites for Unpopular 'Obamacare'

Within the first hours that they opened, millions of masochistic Americans flooded the websites of the new insurance exchanges that, according to Republicans, they don't want.  Demand for the unpopular "Obamacare" was so high that the websites had trouble accommodating all the traffic. This is not surprising, as Americans typically flock by the millions to things they hate.

With over 10 million visitors, nearly as many people went to New York's health exchange on the first day as watched the despised finale of Breaking Bad, a show named for how universally disliked it is.

Delays caused by the 16,000 hits per second on California's exchange have led critics to call it the biggest failure to come out of the Golden State since the reviled new iPhone.

Republican lawmakers remain committed to overturning the hated health law so Americans can once again enjoy the things they love, such as being denied care because of pre-existing conditions, having their premiums jacked up at random, and facing total financial ruin if they ever become sick.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

House Passes 'Job-Killing' Bill

WASHINGTON, DC- Yesterday, House Republicans voted to repeal health reform with a bill titled "The Repeal the Job-Killing Health Care Law Act." Today, they will vote on repealing financial reform with the "Democrats Hate America Financial Deregulation Bill."

House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) said in a teary-eyed statement that he is confident by the end of the week, the House can turn its attention to the "Barack Obama Is a Poo-Poo Head Commodity Futures Trading Act."

Thursday, January 6, 2011

House Passes 'Return to 1950' Bill

WASHINGTON, DC- On its first day, the new Republican-controlled House of Representatives passed HR 27B-6, a bill which would legally return the nation to 1950.

"This measure accomplishes the entire Republican agenda," said Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH), choking up with emotion. "Not only does it repeal Obamacare, it returns us to a time when our economy is strong, homosexuality is shameful, and most importantly a n*gger can't be president," adding "I can say n*gger, it's 1950."

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) responded, saying "even if the Senate passes this bill, it is unlikely that Pres. Obama will sign it into law." Boehner rebutted by slapping her butt and ordering her to make some coffee.

Monday, March 22, 2010

House Passes Health Bill, Death Panels Storm Capitol

WASHINGTON, DC- Within minutes of the House passing historic health reform, death panels marched through Washington, killing babies, grandmothers, and American liberty. "Everything the Republicans said was true," screamed a shocked House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA). "They sounded so crazy, but they were right."

President Obama hailed the bill's passage as "not a victory for any one party, but a victory for me, and other secretly gay Muslim Kenyans plotting to destroy the US."

As the socialist Nazi death squads stormed the streets, our founding fathers were seen rising from their graves in outrage. "We built this nation on the core principle that no American should ever have affordable health care," cried a zombie George Washington as he devoured the brains of an innocent passer-by. "Now you've ruined everything."

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Glenn Beck Hates Jesus, Expert Says

NEW YORK- Weeks after urging Christians to abandon their churches if they talked about social justice, religion expert Glenn Beck is calling the House of Representatives' Sunday vote on health reform "an affront to God," because it breaks the Christian sabbath.

"Glenn Beck must really hate Jesus," says the Rev. Juan Kook. "He was always doing crap like giving people health care on the sabbath and talking about social justice."

Beck was joined on his radio show by Rep. Steve King (R-IA), who complained that health reform supporters are trying to "take away the liberty that we have right from God."

According to conservative theologian, Irwin Kram, the God-given liberty King refers to is the freedom to be exploited by insurance companies. According to the book of Genesis, the Lord removed Adam's rib to create Eve. Adam had to pay out-of-pocket for the procedure. For forty days and forty nights he attempted get reimbursed, only to be told that because the operation was performed by God, an out-of-network provider, it was not covered. When he complained, his insurer doubled his premium and evicted him from the Garden of Eden.

Sunday's vote is expected to be extremely close, and activists on both sides are urging everyone to weigh in by taking five minutes to phone the US Capitol at (202) 224-3121, ask for their congressperson's office, and voice their opinion. "Every voice counts, even on the very day of the vote," says Kram. "If this bill passes, we may lose our God-given right to get screwed-over forever, and we cannot let that happen. Please phone now."

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Palin Survives Canadian Death Panels

Former Alaskan governor/ palm reader, Sarah Palin, who has long railed against the dangers of a national health system
such as Canada's, this weekend admitted that her family used to cross into Canada to take advantage of its deadly socialist medical institutions. While Palin's critics accuse her of hypocrisy, her supporters see this as a sign bravery.

"When she says public health care is inherently murderous and then admits to using it, it doesn't mean she's full of s--t," says conservative pundit, Mitchell Willburn, "it means she is willing to face down death."

So bold is Palin, that she will subject even her own grandson to the horrors of socialist medicine. Recently revealed court documents show that Tripp has had all of his medical care covered through the Indian Health Services and the Alaska Native Health Center.

"This is the ultimate in self-sacrifice," says Palin-supporter, Irwin Kram. "She knows government hand-outs are bad for people, so she wants to take them all for herself and her family. She's trying to spare us."

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Family Ends Kid's Tantrum with 'Bipartisan Deal'

ALEXANDRIA, VA- Joe and Lisa Clydemark have ended a six-month-long stalemate with their four-year-old daughter, Trisha with what they are describing as a "bipartisan deal." Last fall, Trisha declared that she would not let her parents drive her to preschool. She wanted to go by herself on a pony they would have to buy her. "She screamed, kicked, held her breath," says Lisa. "It was awful."

Although Lisa and Joe outnumbered Trisha, and appeared to have a clear mandate to decide what was best for the family, they feared that anything short of a truly bipartisan solution would lack legitimacy. After months of intense negotiations, they arrived at a compromise. Trisha would get to go to preschool by herself, but not on a pony. She would instead drive the family car.

"It's not an ideal situation," Joe admits, "but it was the best deal we could get through."

So far, Trisha has killed seven pedestrians, but her parents maintain this is a small price to pay for bipartisanship. "About 45,000 people die from lack of health coverage each year," says Lisa, "so seven pedestrians is a drop in the bucket. What's important is that we're trying to please everyone."

One group of people not pleased are the local police, who would like to arrest the Clydemarks. Joe and Lisa insist that they would prefer not to be arrested. The chief of police is hopeful that they can arrive at a bipartisan solution.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Scaled Down Jobs Bill Will Employ 1 American

WASHINGTON, DC- The Senate is expected to pass a jobs bill today. To gain enough support to break the Republican filibuster, Democrats had to eliminate anything that might be controversial to anyone, resulting in a significantly pared down initiative, but one that Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) is hailing as a major step forward. "This bill takes us in the right direction by creating decent, good-paying jobs for Ernie Lawlor, a local handyman," Reid told press.

Under the bill's provisions, Lawlor will be called upon to deal with "a number of things that need fixing" around the Capitol building. "The American people believe their government is broken," Reid went on to say. "We may not be able to fix that, but we can definitely do something about that step everyone keeps tripping over coming into the Senate chamber. And I think we could all use some additional shelving."

Reid admits that the bill is just the first step toward addressing the nation's unemployment crisis, but promises that more legislation will follow. "If we can pass just 21 million more bills like this," he said, "we'll have the problem taken care of."

Having successfully broken the filibuster this time, Democrats may try a similar approach with health reform, trimming the current bill back to something that just pays for Lawlor to have that thing removed from his neck.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

The Senate's Night Before Christmas

WASHINGTON, DC- The Senate health reform bill passed a second procedural vote this morning, and is on track to come to a final vote on Christmas Eve. In honor of the occasion, the Inquisition offers this poem.

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the Senate
Limped a bill much worse than the day they began it.
The public option was killed by an elf named Joe,
In hopes that insurers would give him more dough.
Those insurers were nestled, all snug and in bed.
With Dems on their payroll, they had nothing to dread.
On Baucus! On Conrad! On Nelson! On Lincoln!*
Keep the good of this bill continually shrinkin'!

When what to my wondering eyes did appear
But Pres. Obama, whom the people hold dear.
The man with the stature to take blue dogs to task
Boldly proclaimed his strategy: "Give them whatever they ask."

The Repubs spread lies (believe it or not),
Labeling market competition a socialist plot.
"There're death panels," chirped Palin, as she posed for paparazzis,
And explained how health care was the goal of the Nazis.

But somehow despite the calumnious racket
This bill boasts insurance for 30 million who lack it.
Though not perfect, it's good, as I'm glad to report it,
So call your senator now (yes, right now) to support it.

On Christmas morning we'll cheer, hoping promises stick.
Merry Christmas to all, and please don't get sick.

To call or email your senator, follow this link. It is really, really easy.

*These Senate Democrats who have hindered health reform all have taken over $100,000 in campaign contributions from the insurance industry. Sen. Lieberman received $644,394 in his last campaign.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Lieberman Will Block Health Bill Unless Harry Reid Eats a Bug

WASHINGTON, DC- Sen. Joe Lieberman (I-CT) first threatened to filibuster any health bill that included a public option. Though many reformers considered the public option the centerpiece of reform, Senate Democrats swiftly bowed to the Connecticut senator's wishes, offering a compromise of a Medicare "buy-in" for Americans aged 55-64.

Lieberman, who had previously supported the buy-in, then demanded that it be stripped from the bill as well. On Monday, Democrats complied. Now the independent senator is threatening to filibuster any health legislation that does not include a provision requiring Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) to eat a bug.

Although Lieberman took $644,394 from the insurance industry in his last campaign, and although his wife has worked as an insurance lobbyist, the senator maintains that he is not trying to block reform altogether. "Nobody wants health reform more than I do," he explains, "but it has to be fiscally responsible," adding, "and Harry has to eat a bug. That's only reasonable."

Friday, December 11, 2009

Patients Wait Only 55 Years for Doctor Under Senate Plan

WASHINGTON, DC- Details of the health care compromise between Senate Democrats are still scarce, but reports suggest that reformers have traded the prospect of a public option for a "Medicare buy-in," that would allow uninsured people as young as 55 to obtain coverage through the popular seniors' program. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) has described this plan as "better than the public option."

"The Medicare buy-in will offer affordable, reliable health care to every American," a spokesperson for the 70-year-old senator explains, "provided that they wait until they are 55 to get sick."

So far, health reform supporters are enthusiastic about the deal. "As soon as I heard, I made an appointment for my son to see a pediatrician in 2061," says Janice Larker, whose 4-year-old is among America's 9 million uninsured children.

Newlyweds Cara and Michael Tennison are also pleased. "We're eager to start a family in just 31 years," Cara beams, adding "and in only six years, my mother can get that lump checked out."

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) already has expressed opposition to the plan, warning that while Republicans are eager to hash out a deal that is truly bipartisan, they will not support any health care legislation that increases the deficit, reduces the deficit, or leaves the deficit unchanged.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Public Option Cola?

Conservative pundit, Irwin Kram believes a healthcare public option is the first step to socialism. The next step, he believes, is a vast liberal soft drink conspiracy. Jen Houston has this story.

Yohei Kawamata, Stephen Mosher, and Marci Reid contributed to this report.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Thousands Run Screaming from Health Bill

WASHINGTON, DC- In August, Alaskan housewife, Sarah Palin warned that health reform would bring death panels. This week Virginia Foxx (who is not a porn star, but in fact a US congresswoman) warned that the healthcare bill poses a greater threat to our nation than "any terrorist right now in any country." Even the Boogeyman has warned that health reform is scary, but no one was prepared for the horror yesterday when the nearly 2,000 page House bill HR 3962 broke free from its shackles and lumbered out of the Capitol, threatening millions of Americans with affordable healthcare.

"For God's sake, no," one woman screamed, clutching her toddler, "whatever you do, don't insure my child."

A handful of radicals tried to calm the public, including the President of the United States, the AARP, the American Medical Association, the American Nurses Association, the American Cancer Society, the Consumers Union, and the National Farmers Union. They claimed the hideous, lurching Affordable Health Care for America Act was a gentle, loving creature that was just misunderstood, but their words were drowned out by the screams of terrified villagers, who feared they would soon be forced to suffer long, healthy lives at the hands of doctors they trust.

Their alarm was understandable. It is estimated that lack of health coverage allows 45,000 Americans to die each year, freeing them from the pain and suffering of life, which would be inflicted upon them by universal healthcare.

Soon a torch-wielding mob of tea-baggers drove the beast back into the Capitol, where it will remain until the House votes on its fate tomorrow at 6:00pm. Concerned citizens hoping to influence Congress to either kill the monster, or set it loose on a life-giving rampage are urged to call the US Capitol at (202) 224-3121, ask for their representative's office, and tell them where they stand.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Health Insurers to Take Over Auto Industry

While the auto industry is struggling, the health insurance industry made a record $30 billion profit last year. The trade organization, America's Health Plans has proposed that the insurance industry take over the entire auto industry. The proposed plan would abolish the current, socialist system where people buy whatever cars they want, in favor of a freer, more democratic system in which people are automatically assigned a car based on where they work. Under the new plan, if you lose your job, you lose your car.

The price of a new Ford Taurus would be different for every American, based on their anticipated driving habits, and would increase substantially each year. While consumers would pay for their cars in full, they would be granted the privilege of driving them only if the automaker deemed it automotively necessary, and only if they could prove they were driving somewhere they'd never been before. A trip to grandma's house or the grocery store would be off limits, as those most likely would classify as "pre-existing locations."

Automakers would reserve the right to rescind their cars at any time, without refunding payment, if they determined a driver to be a "high risk." High risk drivers might include New York taxi-drivers, anyone who has ridden in a taxi, and anyone who has watched the show, Taxi.

With millions of Americans buying cars and few of them ever actually getting one, the plan would both dramatically boost automaker profits and substantially reduce car accidents. This would be good, because 37,261 Americans died in car accidents last year, which is almost as many as the estimated 45,000 who died because they lacked health insurance.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Boogeyman Attacks Health Reform (Video)

America's Health Insurance Plans, a lobbying group for the insurance industry released a new study this week, claiming any type of healthcare reform will double the cost of insurance for the average American. Reform supporters have dismissed this as "more fear mongering," however AHIP denies ever mongering fear. The group has referred all questions regarding the study to their new spokesperson, the Boogeyman. Watch the video below, or larger on YouTube.

Patrick Armitage, Gabe Bartalos, Brandon Cruz, Tim Foley, Claire Harding, Jen Houston, Stephen Mosher, Allan Piper, and Stella Sensel contributed to this report.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Senators Not Swayed by Massive Piles of Cash

WASHINGTON, DC- Five Democrats joined with Republicans on the Senate Finance Committee yesterday to shoot down a public health option. Although all five received substantial campaign contributions from the insurance industry, they insist this was not a factor in their vote.

"I'm doing what's best for America, not the insurance companies," explained Sen. Tom Carper (DE) in a statement issued while shining the shoes of a WellPoint executive. Despite the $233,000 he has taken from the insurance industry, he vowed that he is "not beholden to anyone."

"I'm just looking out for my constituents," Sen. Kent Conrad (ND) said, while washing a car for a Blue Cross executive. He vowed that the $233,625 he received from insurance companies did not influence his decision. Although North Dakota has one of the highest rates of uninsured citizens in the country, Conrad is convinced a public option would be bad for his state.

Sen. Blanche Lincoln (AR), who took $330,850 in insurance money, also had her constituents in mind when she voted against the public option. "A public option is not going to help the 17.5% of Arkansans who are uninsured," she insisted while running to pick up dry-cleaning for an Oxford executive.

Finance Committee Chairman, Sen. Max Baucus (MT), who led the fight against the public option, has received $558,075 from insurers. He also made a statement following the vote, however it was unintelligible, as he was fellating the CEO of UnitedHealth.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Actual Nazi Disappointed by Obama Healthcare Plan

WASHINGTON, DC- On Saturday, thousands swarmed the National Mall to protest President Obama's proposed healthcare reform. Once again, many protesters bore signs comparing the president to Hitler, but for former S.S. officer, Heinrich Gutter, it was a pale comparison.

"I got so excited when Fox News told me 'Obamacare' had a Nazi agenda," the 89-year-old German immigrant explains. "I assumed the bill would have a provision for killing 6 million Jews, or at least an attempt at total world domination, but what did I find? Bupkis!"

Upon reading the proposed bill, Gutter was appalled to find neither any actual Nazi plans, nor any entertaining fake Nazi plans, like stealing the Ark of the Covenant or keeping Hitler's brain alive inside a jar. "If it weren't bad enough that the bill won't kill anyone," Gutter complains, "it probably even will save millions. I am so disappointed with this president." Gutter looks forward to supporting Sarah Palin in 2012.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

President Refuses to Schedule Speech around Dance Show

Mary Wiggins, a single mother in Idaho wanted to watch the president address Congress on healthcare last night. The issue matters to her. She lost her insurance when she lost her job and has been unable to take her two-year-old son to the doctor. However, like millions of Americans, Wiggins also thinks she can dance. While ABC, CBS, and NBC preempted their programing to carry President Obama's address, Fox instead ran the premiere of So You Think You Can Dance, forcing Wiggins to make a terrible choice.

"We didn't want it to come to this," a Fox spokesperson explained in a prepared statement. "We were hoping the president would compromise, but for all his talk of bipartisanship, he showed no willingness to move his speech to a more convenient time slot, such as Saturday when Cops is scheduled, or next Tuesday during More to Love." The spokesperson added, "We remain committed to entertain both those who think they can dance, and the estimated fifty-million Americans who cannot dance at all."

The White House's refusal to reschedule the address outraged many dance fans, including South Carolina congressman and former community theatre jazz dancer, Joe Wilson, who was so upset over missing the premiere that he actually shouted at the president during the speech. He has since apologized. "I let my emotions get the best of me," he explains, adding "In retrospect, I probably could have tivoed the show."

As for Mary Wiggins, she settled on an unsatisfactory compromise, frequently flipping back and forth between the two programs. "I think I got the gist of the president's plan, but some of Nigel [Lythgoe]'s critiques went way over my head." She hopes that she will never find herself in such a situation again, saying "No one should ever have to choose between health care and dance."

Friday, August 21, 2009

Online Town Hall Meeting Interrupted by Angry Rebuffering

President Barack Obama attempted to take his message of healthcare reform to the Internet yesterday in an online town hall meeting, only to be repeatedly interrupted by angry rebuffering of the streaming video. "You've all heard the rumors," the president told his online audience, "that healthcare reform will create death panels, that it will require mandatory randomly administered sex change operations, and that it will be paid for by selling our children into slave labor in China. Let me be very clear, once and for all that all of these rumors are---" At that point the video feed froze, leaving viewers' doubts still unresolved.

Morgan Wytuck, a healthcare opponent who carried a firearm as he watched the forum from his home, was pleased to see the president meet such resistance. "See," Wytuck says, "even the Internet itself is opposed to Obamacare."

"It's true," the Internet explains, "I've heard the Obama plan includes a provision to kill funny cats, and without funny cat videos, I'm nothing."

Click here to view President Obama's full online forum.

Or if you'd prefer to view funny cats, just click below.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Senator Announces Divorce from Reality

DES MOINES- One day after declaring at a town hall meeting that the Democrat-backed healthcare reform plan does indeed contain provisions of "death panels," Iowa Republican Sen. Chuck Grassley announced that he and Reality will be ending their seventy-six year relationship due to "irreconcilable differences."

Those close to the senator report that his relationship with Reality has been rocky since his declaration last month that Supreme Court Nominee Sonia Sotomayor lacked a basic understanding of "what the Supreme Court is." Others suggest that Grassley's spat with Reality may have begun as early as January, when he moved to freeze funding for the National Science Foundation for fear that the scientists would use the money to look at porn.

A Grassley aide explained that the separation from Reality will free the senator to warn the public of the true dangers of the healthcare reform plan, which threatens to put vital medical decisions in the hands of government beaurocrats, socialists, and known witches. Responding to claims from Reality that Grassley is a pathetic, semi-senile old man cynically preying on fear to score political points, the aide replied "Don't listen to her. That's just Reality talking."