Chelsea Clinton Turns 30, Gen Xers Feel Really, Really, Old

An entire generation of Americans who thought they were still young were shocked to learn that Chelsea Clinton, the gawky adolescent child of Bill and Hillary Clinton, will turn thirty this Saturday.

"That's not possible," counters Marcus Chow, 38. "She was just a kid when I was launching my internet start-up, and that was only-- Crap, that was almost twenty years ago. What happened?"

Clinton's 30th birthday comes as a wake-up call to those born between 1961 and 1981, who must now admit that they can only be called young in comparison to extremely old non-human things, like giant tortoises, redwoods, and Sen Robert Byrd (D-WV).

Clinton is also engaged to be married this summer. "That's just awful," says Jules Woodward, 36. "This is worse than when I heard Nirvana on the classic rock station."

Despite Clinton's upcoming birthday and nuptuals, many so-called "Gen Xers" hang on to the illusion that they are somehow still hip and relevant. "Just because I'm an accountant now doesn't mean I'm not edgy," says Curt Baxter, 40. "I dress my toddler in a Ramones t-shirt, and when he spits up on it, that's totally punk rock. And when I spend my Saturdays working on my landscaping, I'm just being ironic, because-- aw, who am I kidding?"

What makes people in their thirties and forties feel even older is that an even larger number of Americans are not shocked at all by Clinton's intention to turn 30. High school senior, Ricky Blovitz, 18, sums it up best, saying, "Who's Chelsea Clinton?"

To Reduce CO2, US Asks China to Hold Its Breath

COPENHAGEN- Secretary of State Hillary Clinton arrived at the UN Climate Change Conference this morning with a plan to reduce greenhouse gas emissions by over 233,000 tons a year. She is asking the entire population of China to hold its breath.

"I know it sounds tough," Clinton told the Chinese delegation, "but if you can all hold your nose and mouth for just five minutes everyday, you'll be cutting almost as much CO2 as Saint Lucia emits all year." The Secretary of State then added, "and since Saint Lucia's emissions are expected to drop to zero when it's completely underwater, we'd be looking at an overall annual reduction of over half a million tons by 2025."

Several delegates objected that the US should reduce its own emissions before asking other nations to stop breathing, but Clinton defended her proposal as more realistic. "Believe me," she explained, "it'll be easier to convince a billion Chinese to stop breathing than to get anything through Congress."

Hooray for Obama

by Bill Clinton

When I saw Pres. Obama had been selected to receive the Nobel Peace Prize, I could not have been more thrilled-- not even if I had won the award myself. Critics may say that he has not done enough to earn this honor, but they could not be more wrong.

While it is true that he didn't broker a historic Israeli-Palestinian peace accord, or contribute to the cease-fire in Northern Ireland, or negotiate a peace agreement in Bosnia (all of which I did), he has certainly done a lot. His recent speech on nuclear disarmament was absolutely inspirational-- maybe not as significant as the Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty that I championed, but truly remarkable.

You see, the Nobel Peace Prize is not just about achievements. I mean look, Al Gore won one, and what did he do? He made a movie. A movie. Seriously.

Jimmy Carter won one too, and he didn't even get elected to a second term. He certainly didn't preside over the greatest economic expansion of the twentieth century. And what has Mr. Peanut done since being president? He just goes around building houses. He is a great man, and a hero of mine, but he didn't even found an organization like the Clinton Global Initiative, which is dedicated to literally solving all the world's problems (All of them. Read our charter).

Even Yasser Arafat won a Peace Prize. He won it for signing the Israeli-Palestinian peace accord. The one I brokered. No one could get Arafat and Rabin in a room together before I came along, but within months of being president I had a signed deal. And Arafat got the prize. Which I'm very happy about.

What President Obama has achieved cannot be measured in numbers. He has restored hope to the world. Remember "Hope"? It was kind of my campaign slogan. We were based out of Hope, Arkansas. There were posters that had my face on them. They said "hope" on the bottom. Nobody remembers that?

And of course he's also become the champion of universal healthcare. He's dared to stand up to the insurance giants like no one else has. Since 1993, when I did.

You all do know I got those two girls freed from North Korea, right? Yeah, that was me.

Anyway, I'm just tickled pink for Pres. Obama and his award. No matter how hard I rack my brains, I can't think of anyone who deserves it more. I mean that. Really.