All White Christians Suspected of Terrorism after Norway Attacks

When news broke of the horrific terror attacks in Norway, many were quick to blame Muslim extremists. The revelation that the suspected culprit is instead a white conservative Christian now has led to a global backlash against white Christians.

"This isn't a racial thing, but let's be real here," said an FBI official. "If you look at the biggest atrocities of the last century… the Oklahoma City bombing, the Olympic Park bombings, the Holocaust, and the massive terror attack that toppled the government of Iraq, it's always the work of some white Christian guy."

Fox News correspondent Juan Williams has admitted that he would be uncomfortable flying with white Christians. Presidential candidate Herman Cain has said that he would bar white Christians from serving in his administration, and that communities should be allowed to ban golf clubs, moose lodges, and other institutions where white Christians are known to congregate. New Mexico now requires state troopers to stop any car displaying a Jesus fish and demand the driver present proof of citizenship.

"This kind of profiling is unfair," says the Rev. Jeremy Cockwright, a white Christian cleric who claims to have no terrorist ties. "Just because a handful of extremists have done things like bomb women's health clinics, burn crosses on lawns, go on random shooting sprees, engage in ritualistic serial killings, operate networks of organized crime, form massive suicide cults, orchestrate elaborate financial manipulations that threaten to bring down the global economy, carry out acts of genocide... I'm sorry, I've forgotten where I was going with this."

Homeland Security is calling on all citizens to be on the lookout for white extremists in their neighborhoods. If you see someone whose skin is lighter than a Whole Foods grocery bag, or anyone carrying a Whole Foods grocery bag, do not hesitate to notify the authorities.

Senator Offends Criminals

WASHINGTON DC- Attorney General Eric Holder testified before the Senate this week on the state of the Obama administration's efforts to close the Guantanamo Bay prison. Republican Sen. Sam Brownback has been leading a Senate attempt to bar the transfer of detainees to the US, claiming that these suspected terrorists are too dangerous to hold in American prisons, and that they are particulary unfit to be held in Leavenworth, in his home state of Kansas.

Many felons currently serving time in Leavenworth have taken offense at the implication that they are somehow less dangerous than the Guantanamo detainees. "You want to talk dangerous?" asks convicted mafia enforcer, Tony Gambolini. "You hear what happened to Bobby Two-Fingers? Not that I had anything to do with it, but someone chopped that little rat up and fed him to his dog. And that's just one of a dozen jobs I had nothing to do with."

Gambolini is skeptical that an incarcerated terrorist would pose a greater threat to society than he does. "What's he going to do in an eight by twelve cell that I can't do? F---ing explode? Give me a break. And we're talking guys who haven't even been convicted of anything yet."

John David Knowles, aka the Witchita Cannibal, is equally offended. "Really?" he asks. "Really? The detainees are so much more evil than I am? Did any of them build an entertainment center out of severed human heads? Somehow I doubt it."

Not all inmates are displeased with Sen. Brownback's stance. Burt Grover, a white-collar criminal who was in the process of being gang raped at the time of interview, says he's pleased the detainees won't be coming to Leavenworth. "I don't know if I'd feel safe if they were here," he says. "Because my crime wasn't serious, the judge let me pick my own prison. Security's always been important to me, so I chose a maximum security facility. I'd hate to think I made a mistake," adding "Hey, are you guys ever going to finish?"

Sen. Brownback assures American convicts he means no offense. "It's just that these terrorists are so special, I don't know if a conventional prison can hold them." Some senators have proposed placing the detainees in harder to escape scenarios, such as trapping them behind a group of fat tourists in Times Square, or locking them in a conversation with the IT guy at your company Christmas party, but until a real solution is agreed upon, the detainees must remain where they are.

Inside Look at Annual Serial Killer Convention (video)

LOS ANGELES- Each year, the United Association of Serial Killers, Spree Killers, and Mass Murderers convenes in secret to network, share advances in the art and science of killing, and meet like-minded enthusiasts. Posing as a serial killer, the Inquisition's Milo Underwood went undercover to get this exclusive, behind-the-scenes peek into this year's convention.

Support this video at Funny or Die!

Inquisition Reporter Vanishes

LOS ANGELES- Immediately after filing a ground-breaking story on the Annual Serial Killer Convention, Inquisition reporter, Milo Underwood mysteriously disappeared. "Underwood is one of our finest reporters," said Inquisition Editor-In-Chief, Allan Piper. "I wholeheartedly want to reassure his family that whatever may have happened to our dear friend and colleague, the National Inquisition bears no legal or financial responsibility." Piper went on to add, "this is really bad timing, as [Underwood] would have been my first choice to investigate the mangled-beyond-recognition body recently discovered in his hotel room."

Anyone with knowledge of Underwood's whereabouts is encouraged to post the information as a comment, or contact the Inquisition directly at editor@nationalinquisition.com.