Tuesday, August 24, 2010

GOP Leader Claims He's Not Satanist

WASHINGTON, DC- A recent poll shows that 18% of Americans, and nearly half of all Republicans believe that Pres. Obama is a Muslim. Given the opportunity to dispel this rumor on behalf of his party on Sunday's Meet the Press, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) said only that "the president says he's a Christian. I take him at his word," seeming to imply that there is still room for doubt.

McConnell's ambiguous wording echoed the Rev. Franklin Graham's Friday statement about whether the president has accepted Christianity: "That's what he says he has done. I cannot say that he hasn't."

When the Inquisition attempted to follow-up with the senator on rumors that he himself is a Satanist, the Kentucky Republican was able to offer no evidence other than his own word that he does not worship The Beast. Like most Satanists, McConnell is a white male, who has never once claimed not to have offered the blood of a child to the Dark Lord upon a profane altar.

The Rev. Graham refused to comment on McConnell's faith. Graham is the son of famed preacher Billy Graham, and says he is not a worshipper of the Hindu monkey god, Hanuman.
Although flinging feces like a monkey and mating with actual monkeys are not traditional Hanumanian practices, we have only Graham's word that he has not performed such acts anyway. Rev. Graham also says he's not gay.

Given the cloud of doubt cast on all three men's faith, the American Values Institute is calling on Graham, McConnell, and Obama to provide irrefutable evidence of their Christianity. Acceptable proof includes such acts as turning water into wine, resurrecting from death, or having sex with an altar boy.

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