Cold Day Disproves 'Global Warming'

by Dr. Burt Anaru of the Factual American Research Trust (FART)

It was Fox News who first alerted the nation to the dangerous onset of "global cooling." In a January 11 story, Fox quoted renowned climatologist Mojib Latif of the Leibniz Institute as warning that "a mini ice age" was coming upon us.

The fact that Latif denies ever speaking to Fox, and claims that the quotes were completely made up in no way discredits Fox's reporting. The evidence supporting global cooling is irrefutable. It's freaking cold today. Have you been outside?

The alarming trend of colder temperatures goes beyond just today's weather. Across the entire northern hemisphere, temperatures have been dropping for the past six months. High temperatures in every major city are on average forty degrees colder than they were just last July.

Also, the sun disappears below the horizon earlier than it did in July, and re-emerges later on the other side, prompting fears that one day it might not come back at all. As every scientist recognizes, the longer the sun spends under the earth, the greater the chances it will be swallowed by one of the dragons that live just over the edge of the world.

So how do we respond to the threat of global cooling? The only responsible solution is to burn fossil fuels like crazy-- not because this has the power to raise the earth's temperature (the jury's still out on that one), but because God loves it when we burn stuff, and may show mercy upon us. If we commit ourselves today to the nonstop burning of oil, coal, and the occasional sacrificial virgin, I believe we can virtually guaranty that temperatures will begin to rise again by March, or April at the latest.