Thursday, January 14, 2010

America Cursed with Pat Robertson Due to 'Pact with Devil'

In the shocking wake of Pat Robertson's statement that the Haiti earthquake was God's will, and a "blessing in disguise," Americans-- particularly Americans of faith-- are wondering what they did to deserve such a person as the Republican televangelist.

"I just don't understand how a loving and just God can allow someone like [Robertson] to exist," says Mabel Wren, a Methodist in North Dakota.

The former presidential candidate has sparked frequent outrage in the past, such as when he blamed 9/11 on American immorality, or when he called on his followers to pray for the death of Supreme Court justices. Theologian, the Rev. Juan Kook, has a theory as to why Robertson has been inflicted upon America. "Our founding fathers made a pact with the Devil to defeat the British, and today God is punishing us with Pat Robertson."

Why punish us now, more than two hundred years later? "The thing you have to understand about the way the Lord works," Kook explains, "is that the Dude's a serious procrastinator. He promises to smite you one minute, then stops to check His Facebook page and bam! A couple centuries have gone by."

As Robertson is now 79, many hope the days of suffering under his affliction are drawing to a close, but Kook warns that "when God really wants to stick it to you, he can prolong the life of someone like that indefinitely." Kook cites the case of South Carolina senator/statutory rapist Strom Thurmond, who lived to be 470. "Let's face it," says Kook, "no one knows how to hold a grudge like God does."

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