Travelers Protected from Deadly Bottled Water, TSA Says

Aviation security has drawn fire recently after first permitting alleged Christmas Day undie-bomber, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab of Nigeria to board a plane bound for Detroit, and then on Sunday allowing a man to bypass security at Newark Liberty Airport, forcing the entire airport to be shut down and thousands of passengers to be rescreened. Critics of the Transportation Security Administration say that heightened post-9/11 security has inconvenienced and humiliated travelers without actually making them any safer.

This week, the TSA issued a statement in its defense, listing many of its unsung achievements. "Over the past eight years," a TSA spokesperson announced, "we have confiscated over 90,000 nail clippers, which could have been used to hijack a plane by threatening the pilot with an unflattering manicure. We have disposed of over 30,000 bottles of water, which if brought onto a plane all at once could have flooded it."

The spokesperson continued, "we have caused passengers to lose over $15,000 worth of change emptied from their pockets, money that otherwise could have been used to buy weapons or explosives. We have taken over 18,000 tubes of toothpaste, 7,000 sticks of gel deodorant, and 4,000 bottles of mouthwash, thereby increasing the security of marriages, as businessmen are less likely to hook-up in a hotel bar if they stink. We have kept travelers safe from hair clips, nail files, baby formula, lip gloss, novelty pens, and expensive perfume, all of which in the hands of an evil mastermind like the Professor from Gilligan's Island could easily be converted into a thermonuclear device."

The TSA representative admitted that there still is room for improvement and promised that the agency will place a greater emphasis on training its security screeners with instructional videos, like the following film on the proper way to inspect baggage.