Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Homeland Security Initiates Wild Goose Chase

NEW YORK-- The forced water-landing of US Airways Flight #1549 in the Hudson River last week calls attention to a new enemy in the war on terror. Homeland Security officials confirm that the double engine failure of the Airbus A320 appears to have been the work of a bird, or more likely, a conspiracy of multiple birds. Geese are the prime suspects, as several large flocks are known to have been operating in the area.

Although birds have been linked to the spread of the avian flu pandemic and the soiling of countless newly washed cars, they have flown largely below the radar of the intelligence community. "We've been so focused on terrorists in Iraq and Afghanistan, we've forgotten that the largest network of Canadian Geese is just across the border," a CIA spokesperson said, "in Mexico." Although the Department of Defense has been working on a long-range catapult, designed to kill two birds with one stone, test so far only have resulted in the accidental destruction of several nearby glass houses.

On the municipal level, New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg has announced the creation of an NYPD Bird Task Force, a move that has ruffled feathers among avian activists like Carla Rhodes, founder of the radical online journal, Bird of the Day.

"Birds are watching us with their lizard eyes and are ready to strike," Rhodes concedes, "but they're so cute and fluffy - we should just let them get away with it."

Other New York bird lovers are advocating civil disobedience. Despite new MTA regulations banning birds on subways, commuter rail, and ferries, rooster owner, Chad Johnson says he still plans to take his cock out every chance he gets.

While the strike on Flight #1549 appears to have been a suicide attack, Homeland Security officials believe that the planners of the offensive may still be at large, and urge citizens to be on the lookout for suspicious bird activity.


  1. Amazing! It's about time this group was uncovered! After President Obama's call for community service, I'll be glad to cook a goose.
    ~Carol Greene, Los Gatos, California

  2. Thanks for the comment. The Inquisition is committed to keeping you safe and informed. Please keep coming back.

  3. This threat has long needed to be brought to the American people. Hopefully the Obama administration can retrofit the soon to be closed detention facility at Gitmo into a high security aviary.

  4. "downing" ha ha.... get it?

  5. goose feathers = down
    flight 1549 was "downed"