Friday, January 16, 2009

Obama Urged to Be Less Awesome

WASHINGTON, DC. As many as five million spectators may arrive in the capital on Tuesday for Barack Obama's inauguration, possibly the largest crowd ever to assemble in Washington. Amid growing fears that such a massive assembly may pose a serious safety hazard, supporters and critics alike are urging the President-elect to "be less awesome."

"There is a finite number of people that can fit in DC at one time," explains Major General Richard Rowe, Chairman of the Armed Forces Inaugural Committee, "and unfortunately someone as completely and totally cool as Obama is bound to attract bigger crowds than the city can accommodate." Geologists even fear that such a sudden mass human influx on the Mid-Atlantic coast could tip the entire North American continent over, flinging west coast cities at Europe, like a catapult.

The problem is that the Illinois Democrat is tragically likable, as the fans already gathering on the National Mall are eager to attest. "Okay, I'm not gay," explained Mark Water, who traveled from Ohio to see the swearing-in, "but I would totally have sex with Obama," adding, "over and over. In every position imaginable."

"My husband acted all indignant when I tattooed 'hot for Barack' on my ass," said Cyndi McCain, an Obama-supporter from Arizona, "but secretly I think he's into it."

In a last-minute attempt to reduce inaugural attendance, the Obama team has been making changes to the planned ceremony. The only band allowed to march will now be Nickleback, the swearing-in will be performed by Billy Mays-- best known as the annoying, shouty guy from the Oxy-Clean ads, and the new president's inaugural address will be a two-hour discussion of what his friends are doing on Facebook.

Critics argue that these steps are insufficient to address the impending crisis. "If he's serious about reducing turnout on Tuesday, he's going to have to take real action" said Senate Minority Leader, Mitch McConnell, "like publicly strangling a puppy, or starting a meaningless war." An Obama spokesperson states that while such measures have not been ruled out, the President-elect is first "exploring other options."

Since announcing his intent to reduce his own popularity, President-elect Obama's approval rating has gone up six points.

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