Saturday, March 7, 2009

Bank Robs Customers at Gunpoint

Unwilling to wait for more federal bailout money, bankers at Nation Trust Bank locations across the country drew guns on their customers this week, and ordered them to empty their wallets. "I'd just reached the teller window," says Meredith Dixon, of Lafayette, Indiana, "when the manager came out with a gun and yelled 'This is a stick-up!'"

Along with the other customers, Dixon handed over her wallet, purse, and jewelry. "As if being robbed weren't enough," she complains, "they were very slow and surly about it, and they told me I'd be charged a fee for this service."

One victim who was particularly upset was the Infamous Professor Fear, who had come with his henchmen to rob the bank himself. "They took my wallet, my watch, and the various implements of destruction I'd brought with me," Fear laments. "I don't know what's happening to our society. I'm supposed to be the bad guy here."

After robbing their customers, the bankers fled the scene in a fleet of armored trucks, and set off on a Bonnie-and-Clyde-style string of attacks, targeting homes, small businesses, and anywhere American tax-payers are known to congregate. Police are advising citizens confronted by the bank-robbers to comply with their demands and just wait for things to get better.

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