Nearly four hundred years ago, our forefathers sat down for Thanksgiving dinner in what was America's first multicultural celebration. The Native Americans introduced the Pilgrims to new foods and agricultural practices. And in the spirit of brotherhood, the settlers gave their new indigenous friends smallpox, syphilis, and a variety of other stylish European diseases. Without help from the Native Americans, the Pilgrims probably would not have survived their first winter. And without the Pilgrims' civilizing influence, America would still be a place where beautiful women just walk around topless, and no one wants that.
Therefore, it is right and fitting that we commemorate this day with the beautiful, American tradition of eating until we feel sick, acknowledging with prayerful reflection how we grew from a rag-tag band of malnourished colonists to become the proud nation that today is home to the fattest people in the world. May this day find you filled with peace, friendship, and and as much turkey as you can possibly hold down.
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