Thousands Run Screaming from Health Bill

WASHINGTON, DC- In August, Alaskan housewife, Sarah Palin warned that health reform would bring death panels. This week Virginia Foxx (who is not a porn star, but in fact a US congresswoman) warned that the healthcare bill poses a greater threat to our nation than "any terrorist right now in any country." Even the Boogeyman has warned that health reform is scary, but no one was prepared for the horror yesterday when the nearly 2,000 page House bill HR 3962 broke free from its shackles and lumbered out of the Capitol, threatening millions of Americans with affordable healthcare.

"For God's sake, no," one woman screamed, clutching her toddler, "whatever you do, don't insure my child."

A handful of radicals tried to calm the public, including the President of the United States, the AARP, the American Medical Association, the American Nurses Association, the American Cancer Society, the Consumers Union, and the National Farmers Union. They claimed the hideous, lurching Affordable Health Care for America Act was a gentle, loving creature that was just misunderstood, but their words were drowned out by the screams of terrified villagers, who feared they would soon be forced to suffer long, healthy lives at the hands of doctors they trust.

Their alarm was understandable. It is estimated that lack of health coverage allows 45,000 Americans to die each year, freeing them from the pain and suffering of life, which would be inflicted upon them by universal healthcare.

Soon a torch-wielding mob of tea-baggers drove the beast back into the Capitol, where it will remain until the House votes on its fate tomorrow at 6:00pm. Concerned citizens hoping to influence Congress to either kill the monster, or set it loose on a life-giving rampage are urged to call the US Capitol at (202) 224-3121, ask for their representative's office, and tell them where they stand.