Red States, We Need to Talk

an editorial by the Blue States

It's time we face it. This isn't working out. All we ever do is argue, and it's just getting worse. It's time we finally went our separate ways.

I realized it was over between us this week, when you continued to filibuster the 9/11 health bill, which would pay for medical care for sick 9/11 first responders. Do you remember 9/11? There was that brief moment when it brought us closer together. You still talk about 9/11 all the time, but you know what? It didn't happen to you. It happened to me. And now you're just punishing me over it.

I remember when we first met. We were both still in an abusive relationship with England and we used to stay up all night talking about freedom. It was hot. I was a little skeeved out by the fact that you owned slaves, but I thought I could change you.

But the fact is, we want different things. I want universal single-payer health care and sweeping energy reform. You want to privatize social security and ban abortion. As long as we're together, neither of us is going to have our needs met.

So what are we staying together for? The sake of the children? 22% of our children live in poverty, and you won't let me do anything about because you say we can't afford to. And maybe we can't afford to feed the kids, but that's only because of your gambling debts.

Now with any break up, there's bound to be some quarreling over who gets what. I know you're going to want all the nukes, and while I don't really want them, I don't want you to have them because you get in fights a lot, especially when you've been drinking. But somehow we'll work it out.

We've had a good run. 234 years is longer than a lot of countries stay together. And once we're not fighting all the time, we can look back fondly on all the great things we did together. We'll always have liberating Paris.