WASHINGTON, DC- Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) this week announced that Republicans have reached a bipartisan deal with Al Qaeda to kill off those New Yorkers the terrorist group failed to kill on 9/11. As part of this deal, Senate Republicans are filibustering the Zadroga Bill, which would provide health care for 9/11 first responders, thereby condemning the men and women who stood up for their country during the attack to die slow painful deaths from diseases caused by inhalation of 9/11 debris.
"For too long, we thought Al Qaeda wanted to destroy America," McConnell explains, "but it turns out they only want to destroy those parts that contribute positively to the nation's culture and economy, which is to say the blue states." McConnell adds that as long as red states remain dominated by ignorant, shiftless, inbred, slack-jawed yokels with no positive social or mental attributes, they are in no danger from Islamic extremists.
"It's time for Republicans and terrorists to set aside our petty differences," McConnell explains, "and focus on what we have it common: a single-minded zeal to destroy our enemies at all costs." While the Kentucky senator admits that he has certain doctrinal differences with Al Qaeda, he says "any right-wing fundamentalist group that hates gays, Jews, liberals, and women's rights can't be all bad, right?"
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