Gov. Perry Wants to Get It On With America

IOWA CITY- Presidential hopeful, Gov. Rick Perry said yesterday that the US deserves a president who is "in love with America." Sources close to the Texas governor say he has had a crush on the United States since his pre-teen years. During junior high, he would spend long hours locked in his room, surrounded by posters of scantily clad purple mountain majesties, or suggestive pictures of amber waves of grain washing a sports car.

Unlike Pres. Obama, who only calls a press conference when he has business to discuss, Gov. Perry promises if elected to frequently call press conferences just to say "I love you," or to ask the nation how its day is going. And he promises to never mention how fat America is getting.

In lieu of a jobs bill or stimulus plan, Perry would frequently surprise the US with flowers or little love notes. And as with the last Texas governor who became president, America should expect to get f*cked good and hard.

Obama Turns 50, Opponents Outraged

Pres. Obama drew criticism today as he turned fifty. "The fact that he did something this radical and partisan without consulting Congress shows he has no regard for the Constitution," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), who vowed to use Senate procedural rules to block the president from being served his birthday cake.

"We've seen this before," warned presidential hopeful, Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN). "You know who else turned fifty? Adolph Hitler. And that was the year he bombed Pearl Harbor. I'm just saying."

The president had hoped to celebrate his birthday by having a quiet dinner with his wife, but in light of Republican objections he is now offering a compromise in which he will have dinner alone, and a tearful House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) will administer his birthday spankings.

All White Christians Suspected of Terrorism after Norway Attacks

When news broke of the horrific terror attacks in Norway, many were quick to blame Muslim extremists. The revelation that the suspected culprit is instead a white conservative Christian now has led to a global backlash against white Christians.

"This isn't a racial thing, but let's be real here," said an FBI official. "If you look at the biggest atrocities of the last century… the Oklahoma City bombing, the Olympic Park bombings, the Holocaust, and the massive terror attack that toppled the government of Iraq, it's always the work of some white Christian guy."

Fox News correspondent Juan Williams has admitted that he would be uncomfortable flying with white Christians. Presidential candidate Herman Cain has said that he would bar white Christians from serving in his administration, and that communities should be allowed to ban golf clubs, moose lodges, and other institutions where white Christians are known to congregate. New Mexico now requires state troopers to stop any car displaying a Jesus fish and demand the driver present proof of citizenship.

"This kind of profiling is unfair," says the Rev. Jeremy Cockwright, a white Christian cleric who claims to have no terrorist ties. "Just because a handful of extremists have done things like bomb women's health clinics, burn crosses on lawns, go on random shooting sprees, engage in ritualistic serial killings, operate networks of organized crime, form massive suicide cults, orchestrate elaborate financial manipulations that threaten to bring down the global economy, carry out acts of genocide... I'm sorry, I've forgotten where I was going with this."

Homeland Security is calling on all citizens to be on the lookout for white extremists in their neighborhoods. If you see someone whose skin is lighter than a Whole Foods grocery bag, or anyone carrying a Whole Foods grocery bag, do not hesitate to notify the authorities.

Congressman's Penis Brings Nation Together

NEW YORK- Rep. Anthony Weiner's sexting scandal has now been front page news longer than the death of Osama bin Laden. Long after the nation has forgotten who bin Laden was or what he did, Americans will forever remember where they were when they first saw the congressman's bulging shorts.

The member of Congress' member has stretched across the aisle, uniting Republicans and Democrats in shared disgust. Having now resigned from offices, Weiner has pledged to continue using penis as a metaphorical or perhaps literal bridge to help people of opposing political views come together in unity.

'May 21 Doomsayers Are Crazy,' Says 2012 Doomsayer

Followers of the Rev. Harold Camping and his Family Radio Network are preparing for the end of the world on May 21st, a date Camping arrived at using a mathematical formula to derive hidden messages from the Bible.

"What a load of hooey," says Grover Mulch, one of many believers that the world will instead end on December 21st, 2012, as predicted by the Mayan calendar. "Anyone who thinks you can figure out the end of the world from a thousands-of-years-old book is crazy. Clearly you need a thousands-of-years-old stone carving to do that."

Mulch fears the hype around May 21st will get many believers into trouble. "People are quitting their jobs and spending all their savings. What's going to happen when May 21st comes and goes, and they have to support their families for another 19 months?" Mulch has no such financial concerns for himself, having received a large advance payment from black market organ smugglers who expect to harvest his kidneys in 2013. "Suckers!" says Mulch.

Of course there are a few people who don't believe the world will end on either of those days. Melvin Lessor believes the true date of the apocalypse is September 6, 1994, the day Rev. Camping originally predicted. Lessor has been living in an underground bunker for the past sixteen years, repeatedly listening to his Ace of Bass CD and searching AltaVista for confirmation that Fox's Party of Five was in fact the final achievement of human civilization.

Does Fox Wish Obama Dead?

A National Inquisition Editorial

Detractors of Fox News had a field day on Sunday night when a network affiliate ran the headline "Obama bin Laden Dead." In fairness, correspondents for NBC, CBS, and MSNBC made similar slip-ups. Messing up one crucial letter of a word is easy to do.

Of course Fox has always spelled the Al Qaeda leader's name "Usama." So technically, they screwed up two letters. But it's wrong to act as if messing up one or two letters reveals a hidden sentiment.

Fuk News Chief Roger Asses has worked hard to assemble a pail and balasted team of reposeurs. They set their personal views aside and focus on all that matters when covering the president: pure journalistic ethnics. Not even the conspiracy minded Glenn Dick would look for a deeper meaning behind this mistake.

Of course, at least one Fox anchor mixed up as many as ten letters and announced, "President Obama is in fact dead." Fox owner Rupert Dumbf*cker was quick to explain that it was a simple slip of the tongue.

Winning War on Terror Another Failure for Obama

Pres. Obama drew criticism from his detractors this week over the strike that killed Osama bin Laden. "The fact that Obama delivered on a promise that Bush was unable to keep," said House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA), "is proof that this president has no ideas of his own."

Former reality TV star, Sarah Palin complained that it was cowardly to send in Navy SEALS. "A real leader would have personally engaged bin Laden in hand-to-hand combat," she said, adding "I'm a martial arts expert myself, you know. I must have watched Kung Fu Panda fifteen times."

Conspiracy theorist, Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (R-MN) found the whole matter suspicious. "Isn't it funny that the president knew exactly where to find bin Laden?" she asked. "Now I'm not suggesting that Obama has been the mastermind behind Al Qaeda all along, but what if Obama has been the mastermind behind Al Qaeda all along?"

Presidential hopeful, Donald Trump also suspected conspiracy. "The whole thing is just a diversion from the fact that Obama is an illegal alien… or possibly a space alien. Have you noticed he and E.T. have never been in a room at the same time?"

The next question becomes whether the White House will release photos of the Al Qaeda leader's body. "Withholding these photos is proof that Obama has more respect for terrorists than for the American people, and it means the terrorists win" said Irwin Kram, Senior Fellow at the Factual American Research Trust (FART). "Unless of course he does release them, in which case he's making a martyr of bin Laden and the terrorists win. Either way, it's a sad day for America."

Rick Astley Fan Gets Tricked into Looking at Outrageous Pics of Miley Cyrus

A fan of 80's pop artist, Rick Astley was disappointed this weekend while searching on YouTube for the video, Never Gonna Give You Up. "I clicked on a video that promised to be the real thing," explained Dirk Gleason, of Belcourt, North Dakota, "and instead I found Miley Cyrus mooning someone. Why would anybody post that?"

Later, Gleason was sure he had found the actual video. "This is definitely it," he said triumphantly, adding, "Hold on… World of Warcraft cheats? What the f--k?"

The actual, honest-to-God, video for the song that reached #1 on the American, British, and Canadian charts in 1987 appears at this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Gv5n8LUSGs. We promise.

'Poor Tax' Is Deficit Solution

editorial by Irwin Kram, Senior Fellow at the Factual American Research Trust (FART)

Yesterday, Pres. Obama showed that his deficit plan is just the Democrats' answer to everything: tax the rich. What he doesn't understand is that by taxing the rich you'll discourage people from getting rich in the first place. It's hard work to become a billionaire. Most spend half their lives as struggling millionaires before inheriting the rest from their parents. If you force them to pay an extra 0.0001% of each billion (which is almost as much as the president is asking for), most would-be billionaires are going to check out and say "what's the point?"

Instead of punishing people for being rich, we need a tax incentive that will make them think twice before deciding to be poor. A targeted "Poor Tax" is the only answer. Some would argue that the current GOP budget plan (which proposes cuts to Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security, Head Start, Pell Grants, unemployment, food stamps, housing aid, public schools, and other social services while simultaneously cutting taxes for the wealthiest) already shifts the costs of society onto its poorest members. I say it is not nearly enough.

Let's not forget who's really responsible for the economic downturn. People like to blame the bankers and fat cats, but if so many middle class Americans hadn't gotten so poor so fast, there would be no economic downturn. It's only fitting they should pay their fair share.