BP Cleans Gulf Coast of Toxic Jounalists

In the five weeks since news of the Deepwater Horizon oil disaster exploded into the headlines, BP has been working tirelessly to stop the hazardous flow of information. It is still unclear exactly how much journalistic ink has been spilled on this story, but clean-up teams are working day and night to remove potentially toxic journalists, photographers, and bloggers from Louisiana's beaches.

Last week, CBS reporters were threatened with arrest for attempting to film a polluted beach (video here). This week, BP CEO Tony Hayward demonstrated his commitment to cleaning up the news coverage by personally shoeing a cameraman away from a pool of oil.

BP officials are optimistic that they may be able to plug all news leaks within the next several weeks, at which point they can turn their attention to stopping the actual flow of oil.

US Law Should Be Based on Bible, or Other Large Book

Yesterday the Inquisition reported on Sarah Palin's comment that US law should be based on the Bible. Readers responded with suggestions of other books to base the law on.

Literature Professor Milton Serle believes all law should be based on Moby Dick, a tome similar to the Bible in that it is over a thousand pages and bears no relation to the US Constitution. Serle would like to see the ban on whaling lifted and believes Congress should devote most of its time to poetic discussion of sperm whale anatomy.

Mabel Stoole of Florida has an alternate view. She would like to see a ban on gay marriage and the estate tax because neither are contained in the phone book, the document she believes the founding fathers wanted our laws based on.

"The idea of basing our laws on any single book is patently absurd," says legal scholar, Genevieve Ford. "It would be better to use a series of books, like the Twilight saga." Ford supports President Obama's policy of being dreamy, but would like to see the administration become more dark and brooding.

There are a handful of political thinkers who believe the only governing document for our nation should be the Constitution itself, but this view has been widely rejected as that book is only four pages long and written in large print.

Sarah Palin Declares Bible Supreme Law of the Land

WASILLA, AK- In an interview with Bill O'Reilly last week, Sarah Palin stated that all American law should be based on the Bible. Although the founding fathers were a religiously diverse group that included agnostics, Deists, Unitarians, and Quakers, she insisted that their intention was that all US law be based on biblical doctrine.

Never one to be guilty of hypocrisy, the former governor immediately discarding her wool blend suits because it is an abomination to wear clothes of two fabrics (Leviticus 19:19). Palin then secluded herself outside the community because she was having her period and was ritually unclean (Leviticus 15:19). She intends to remain in seclusion for seven days, when she will present two young pigeons for her priest to burn on the altar to atone for the uncleanness of her discharge (Leviticus 15:30).

In the meantime, Palin is calling for the stoning death of everyone guilty of sexual immorality. Her daughter, Bristol, who gave birth to a child out of wedlock, has said that if the Bible demands it, she is willing to get stoned.

Not All Republicans Gay, Study Finds

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Louisiana Sen. Wants More Drilling

As Louisiana copes with the most catastrophic oil spill in history, it would be easy for Democratic Sen. Mary Landrieu to pander to special interests (such as the voters of Louisiana) and take a stand against off-shore drilling, but Sen. Landrieu has never been one to take a position just to please three or four million of her constituents.

This week the senator came out in support of continued and accelerated offshore drilling, not because she's received over $400,000 in campaign contributions from the oil and gas industry over the past five years, nor because energy giant, Entergy Corp is her single biggest contributor. Sen. Landrieu just loves oil, and sees tremendous benefits in her entire state being completely covered in thick crude.

"You'll never have to worry about squeaky hinges," a Landrieu aide explains, listing the benefits of completely immersing the state in oil. "It keeps your skin from drying out. The pungent aroma is so strong, no one will notice if you have bad hygiene; and who knows, 'The World's Largest Oil Slick' could well be a bigger tourist draw than great food, music, and boobs.'"

AZ Law Not Racist, Gov Claims

PHOENIX- Immigrant rights groups are planning nationwide demonstrations tomorrow to protest Arizona's new law, which requires police to stop everyone who might be an illegal immigrant and arrest them if they cannot provide proof of legal residency. Critics claim that the law will lead to racial profiling of Latinos, but a spokesperson for Republican Governor Jan Brewer denies such charges. "This law in no way singles out Hispanics. It applies universally to all brown people, including n-ggers and chinks."

Prophet Muhammad Looks Awful in Photos

The creators of South Park have been the subject of death threats after including a cartoon representation of the Prophet Muhammad in last week's show. Any visual depiction of the Prophet is forbidden under Islamic law because, as those close to the founder of Islam attest, "he hates the way he looks in pictures, especially recently."

In the roughly 1,400 years since founding the world's second most popular religion, the Prophet has reportedly not aged well. "He's got a big bear gut; he's bald," sources close to the Muhammad say, "and somehow after all these years his acne's just gotten worse."

Despite spending thousands on health and beauty products, including Shake Weights and designer eye cream, the Prophet simply is not happy with his appearance, so much so that although his religious teachings are all about love and peace, he is willing to have anyone killed who posts a picture of him anywhere— especially if it was taken at that bachelor party in Reno.

iPad Good for More Than J--king Off, Apple Claims

CUPERTINO, CA- On Saturday, Apple sold more than 300,000 of its new iPad, the revolutionary gadget which it claims is absolutely, definitely designed for more than just j--king off to internet porn. As a web surfing device that lacks the functionality of a laptop but is still too big to put in your pocket, the iPad's major selling point seems to be that users can conveniently carry it into a bathroom and hold it with just one hand. Nevertheless, an Apple spokesperson insists "it's not just for porn. There are plenty of other practical applications for the iPad," adding "possibly as many as several."

House Passes Health Bill, Death Panels Storm Capitol

WASHINGTON, DC- Within minutes of the House passing historic health reform, death panels marched through Washington, killing babies, grandmothers, and American liberty. "Everything the Republicans said was true," screamed a shocked House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA). "They sounded so crazy, but they were right."

President Obama hailed the bill's passage as "not a victory for any one party, but a victory for me, and other secretly gay Muslim Kenyans plotting to destroy the US."

As the socialist Nazi death squads stormed the streets, our founding fathers were seen rising from their graves in outrage. "We built this nation on the core principle that no American should ever have affordable health care," cried a zombie George Washington as he devoured the brains of an innocent passer-by. "Now you've ruined everything."