Putin blackmailing Trump into being horrible, leak suggests

A leaked series of phone recordings suggests Vladimir Putin may be using compromising videos to blackmail Donald Trump into behaving like a lying, thin-skinned, petulant, hypocritical, misogynistic, race-baiting, xenophobic, science-denying, tax-evading, narcissist with little to no comprehension of global or national affairs or even basic grammar and spelling. The Inquisition has obtained hours of taped conversations in which the Russian president directs Trump to engage in insulting and denigrating behavior, including this excerpt:

PUTIN: You must mock disabled reporter.

TRUMP: Absolutely not. I couldn’t possibly do something so reprehensible.

PUTIN: You know what’s in these tapes. Would be shame if they were leaked.

TRUMP: Okay, fine.

PUTIN: You saw what I did there with “leaked.”

TRUMP: Yes, yes, I get it. You’re quite witty. 

While some of what Putin has required of Trump is specifically advantageous to Russia, such as selecting Russian “Order of Friendship” recipient Rex Tillerson as secretary of state and Gen. Michael Flynn, a regular contributor to the propaganda network Russia Today, as national security advisor, most of Putin’s instructions have been aimed at forcing the naturally modest and mild-mannered Trump to adopt a belligerent public persona.

PUTIN: You must use Twitter to call people “losers.”

TRUMP: Really, now. I’m a grown man, I’ll do no such thing.

PUTIN: There is steady-stream of videos that could be released.

TRUMP: Okay, okay.

PUTIN: Also, call everything “big-league.”

TRUMP: What? That doesn’t even make sense. “Major league,” perhaps, but…

PUTIN: You know, with free flow of information these days…

TRUMP: Yes,  yes, you’ve made your point. 

PUTIN: These videos could make a real splash with the press.

TRUMP: My goodness, the indignity of it all. 

While we may never know what the compromising videos contain, in their phone recordings Putin can be heard demanding that Trump take actions that make some sort of veiled, comedic reference to whatever was filmed. These include covering his entire living quarters in gold, building a five-story fountain that showers the gilded atrium of Trump Tower, embracing the discredited theory of trickle-down economics, and pissing away his entire fortune on a series of failed business ventures. 

The president-elect has denied the existence of these videos as well as the veracity of the phone recordings, calling them “false, big-league,” and “a sad example of yellow journalism.”

Trump claims credit for rising sun

In a late-night tweet, President-elect Donald Trump claimed credit for increasing hours of daylight since his election, posting: “Before my landslid election the world was dark. Days getting shorter. Now sun rises earlier, sets later. Thanks Donald!”

Trump made his latest claim hours after taking credit for Sprint's pre-existing plan to create new U.S. jobs, days after crediting himself for increased consumer spending around the holidays, and a month after claiming to have saved a Ford plant that was never planning to close or move. While critics say that increasing hours of daylight would have occurred regardless of the election, incoming counselor to the president, Kellyanne Conway dismisses those charges as “sour grapes.” Conway predicts that within the first six months of his administration, President Trump will fully cast off the gloom of winter and bestow radiant, summer sun across the nation. 

How the Republicans Steal Progress

Tom Cotton Reminds Gays How Much Worse Things Could Be.

Because when you think "America," you think "a little better than Iran." Courtesy of the Internet Action Force.
 

Ted Cruz Signs Up for Obamacare, Loses Freedom

Sen. Ted Cruz, who previously shut down the government in an effort to stop Obamacare, claiming it "takes our freedom away," announced this week that he himself is now signing up for it. As Cruz feared, as soon as he logged into HealthCare.gov, he immediately lost all his freedom. The Texas senator will remain trapped in one of the Affordable Care Act's mandated "Obamacages" until he either succeeds in repealing the law that provides health coverage to over 16 million Americans, or until he is set free by a death panel. 

Guns Don't Kill People, Babies Kill People

After an Idaho woman was shot and killed by her two-year-old son, who found the mother's gun in her purse, the NRA has issued a statement that this tragedy could have been averted if only the mother had carried a second gun, with which to defend herself against her child.

Inq correspondant Jules Bausch-Lee contributed to this report.

Talking Torture with the CIA (Audio)

With a Senate report raising new concerns about the CIA's use of torture (and possibly adding a new meaning to the term "bottom feeder"), here's what Inquisition Radio was able to find out from the agency (without resorting to enhanced interrogation techniques). Joe Smith contributed to this report. 

KY Senator Calls Climate Change 'Made Up Science;' Skeptics Call Kentucky 'Made Up State'

With the People's Climate March approaching this weekend, Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) announced a new investigation he hopes will discredit some of the climate scientists, whom he claims "are making up their facts." This comes as some skeptics claim the senator himself may be making up the state of Kentucky. 

"Kentucky is a hoax" claims a spokesperson for a group of Kentucky deniers. "It's just a money-making scheme for the bourbon industry." As evidence, the group cites the fact that none of them have ever been there. 

Although a vast majority of geographers and the state's 4.38 million residents believe in Kentucky, as a news organization, the Inquisition must give equal weight to both sides of the argument.

Millions Flood Websites for Unpopular 'Obamacare'

Within the first hours that they opened, millions of masochistic Americans flooded the websites of the new insurance exchanges that, according to Republicans, they don't want.  Demand for the unpopular "Obamacare" was so high that the websites had trouble accommodating all the traffic. This is not surprising, as Americans typically flock by the millions to things they hate.

With over 10 million visitors, nearly as many people went to New York's health exchange on the first day as watched the despised finale of Breaking Bad, a show named for how universally disliked it is.

Delays caused by the 16,000 hits per second on California's exchange have led critics to call it the biggest failure to come out of the Golden State since the reviled new iPhone.

Republican lawmakers remain committed to overturning the hated health law so Americans can once again enjoy the things they love, such as being denied care because of pre-existing conditions, having their premiums jacked up at random, and facing total financial ruin if they ever become sick.

NRA Head Calls for 'National Database of Lunatics,' Stops Short of Signing Himself Up

Yesterday on Meet the Press, NRA leader Wayne LaPierre argued that the Navy Yard shooting could have been prevented if only the Navy had more guns. And although he has opposed the registration of guns, he called for registering America's mentally ill in a "national database of these lunatics."

Last year, LaPierre argued that the fact that President Obama took no action to restrict guns during his first term was proof of a "massive Obama conspiracy… to destroy the Second Amendment" during his second term. He also has suggested that President Obama will make it illegal to fly the American flag and that efforts to reduce gun violence will lead the UN to commit "mass executions of gun owners." Despite his call for a national database of lunatics, this leader of one of America's most powerful lobbying groups stopped short of offering to sign himself up. 

NRA: Shooting Could Have Been Prevented if Navy Had Guns

Having previously declared that the solution to school shootings is to arm teachers, the NRA now suggests the way to avert shootings like that at the Washington Navy Yard, at Fort Hood in 2009, and recently at police stations in Connecticut, California, and New Jersey, is to arm police and the armed forces. The NRA cites the fact that shooter Aaron Alexis, who had previously been arrested for gun violence, was able to walk onto the military facility with an AR-15 assault rifle, a shotgun, and a semiautomatic handgun, as evidence that guns are not yet easy enough to acquire. 

Related story, "NRA: Solution to Gun Violence is Nukes"

Americans Still Prefer 'Sternly-Worded Letter' to Syra Strike

Despite last night's address, Americans remain skeptical of President Obama's call for action in Syria. An Inq poll shows only 31% of Americans support a military strike to stop Bashir al-Assad from systematically mass-murdering civilians with weapons so ghastly that the entire civilized world has classified their use as a crime against humanity. 38% of those polled instead prefer a "sternly-worded letter."

18% believe a clever Facebook status will dissuade Assad from bombarding Syrian families with the nerve-agent sarin, which causes convulsions, paralysis, neurological damage, and death within the first minute of contact. 7% support an international drum circle as the solution, while 6% say we should simply watch funny cat videos instead of looking at the images of blue-skinned Syrian toddlers spasming to death in puddles of their own poisoned vomit.

Republican leaders warn that if President Obama does resort to a sternly-worded letter, he must seek Congressional approval to authorize the use of "all-caps."

Red Sox Owner Buys Boston Globe

Red Sox owner, John Henry has purchased the Boston Globe for $70 million. Henry promises to continue the paper's tradition of hard-hitting, investigative journalism with the upcoming exposé, "Why the Yankees Suck."

NRA: Solution to Gun Violence is Nukes

The NRA has long argued that the only way to curb gun violence is to make guns more available, because as everyone knows, if something causes a problem the best way to solve it is to have way more of it. This is why so many people have lost weight with the popular "all-cookie diet," and why exterminators typically solve a rat problem by releasing thousands of rodents into a home to drive them out.

This week however, the NRA admitted that today's criminal shooters are so heavily armed that guns alone can't solve the problem, and began lobbying to loosen restrictions on nuclear weapons. "The Second Amendment protects the right to bear all arms," an NRA spokesperson said, "not just guns. Clearly the founding fathers were not just talking about semiautomatic assault rifles with armor piercing bullets. They were explicitly protecting an American's right to defend his home with a full nuclear arsenal."

The spokesperson went on to explain how the Newtown tragedy could have been averted if one of the teachers had been carrying a small thermonuclear device. "Within seconds she could have reduced the entire town to a steaming pile of radioactive rubble, including the shooter, and maybe some mentally disturbed people who could have gone on to become shooters."

A nuclear-armed citizenry would reduce not only violent crime, but even minor infractions "Is anyone going to cut you off in traffic when they have no idea if you're packing a Titan Missile?" the spokesperson asked. "Just imagine how friendly everyone would have to be if every stranger on the street was just a button click away from wiping out the entire town."

Current laws banning individuals from owning nuclear weapons make us more vulnerable to nuclear assault, the spokesperson argued. "Since criminals don't follow laws, there is absolutely no way to prevent any criminal from obtaining all the nukes he wants," adding "if we outlaw nuclear warheads, only outlaws will have them."

Related story from the archives: "It's a Bible AND a Gun."

Romney Explains His Plan to Strengthen the Middle Class

Kindergarten Suffers "It" Outbreak

Six-year-old Miles Anderson appeared healthy when he left for school, but by mid-day he was running in frenzied circles, terrorizing his classmates, letting loose agonized screams that could be heard across the playground. He had developed the tell-tale symptoms of being "It." He soon recovered, but not before transmitting the infection to another student, sparking an "It" epidemic that soon swept through most of his class.


Little is known of the "It" virus, except that it can by spread by any form of direct contact. Survivors of the infection may enjoy a brief immunity doctors refer to as "no tag-backs."


To prevent exposure to the wider community, the Centers for Disease Control has placed Miles' kindergarten class under forcible quarantine indefinitely.

NC Votes to Protect the Sanctity of Pizza

CHARLOTTE, NC- Two weeks after banning same-sex marriage, North Carolina voters returned to the polls to ban gluten-free pizza. "You can't change the definition of pizza," said a sponsor of the measure. "If we allow people to make pizzas with gluten-free crusts, we'll also have to let them make pizza out of dogs, or the flesh of murdered babies." 

The law's supporters deny that it is discriminatory. "People who choose to be gluten-intolerant should have the same rights as everybody else," said one voter "They just shouldn't be allowed to eat foods they like without severe abdominal pain." 

"I have nothing against people who eat gluten-free pizza. I just personally don't like it," said another voter. "So nobody else should be allowed to eat it."

Many based their vote on the Bible. "Even though Jesus technically never said anything about pizza," another voter said, "the miracle of the fishes and the loaves clearly shows he intended pizza to be made with a wheat crust and with anchovies," adding "of course I skip the anchovies because that's gross." 

The new law has drawn scorn from many in states that allow gluten-free pizza. According to one New York pizza-lover, "the people of North Carolina don't even know what a real pizza is."

Republicans Don't Ever Want to Get Laid Again

As Republican men increasingly come out against birth control in any form, defund Planned Parenthood, make rape harder to prosecute, criminalize miscarriage, require women to have random objects jammed into their vaginas, and even denounce the Girl Scouts as a "radical organization, they are sending a clear message to women across the country: they do not ever want to have sex again. 

Nevertheless, as evidenced by Mitt Romney's five children and Rick Santorum's seven, some women are still having sex with Republicans, even those as strangely misshapen as Newt Gingrich. According to Irwin Kram of the Factual American Research Trust (FART), women's insistence on engaging in unnatural Republican sex defiles the purity of GOP values. "Since Republicans have declared abstinence the only acceptable form of birth control, women must respect that belief by abstaining from sex with them."

"Ideally," says Kram, "women should not have sex with anyone. If God intended us to have sex for pleasure, he certainly wouldn't have made it the most physically pleasurable thing we could possibly do." If women absolutely must have sex, Kram urges them not to lead God-fearing Republicans into sin, but to instead settle for godless Democrats like George Clooney or Dennis Kucinich.  

WASHINGTON, DC- Chinese Vice President Xi Jinping is visiting the US this week. During most of his visit, he will be accompanied by Vice President Biden. The Inquisition has secured an exclusive transcript of the moment President Obama asked Biden to handle the visit. 

PRES. OBAMA: Joe, the Vice President of China is coming. I need you to handle this important state visit.

VP BIDEN: No problem. I'll make sure he has a good time.

PRES. OBAMA: Great. Xi gets here Monday.

VP BIDEN: "She," right. I'll make sure she has a good time.

PRES. OBAMA: You'll be taking the lead once he gets here.

VP BIDEN: When who gets here?

PRES. OBAMA: No, Hu Jintao's not coming.

VP BIDEN: Who's not coming?

PRES. OBAMA: Right. Xi's coming instead.

VP BIDEN: She is?

PRES. OBAMA: Yes, Xi is. And I need you to make him feel welcome.

VP BIDEN: Eh, wait, wait.

PRES. OBAMA: No, don't bring up Ai Weiwei. That's a touchy subject. Just be on your best behavior with him.

VP BIDEN: With who?

PRES. OBAMA: No, Hu's the President of China.

VP BIDEN: I asked you first.

PRES. OBAMA: Maybe Hillary should handle his one.