PASADENA, CA - Dr. Andrew Thane, a scientist at NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory, recently got an iPhone. "I'd been writing 'Sent from my iPhone' at the bottom of emails for months trying to look cool," he says. "I figured I should finally make it legit."
Thane is thrilled with his new phone, but was puzzled when the first bill arrived. "I'm a pretty smart guy," the rocket scientist explains, "and a cell phone bill isn't exactly... what's the phrase? Anyway, I couldn't make heads or tails of it."
Although the statement came with an instruction manual, titled "How to Read Your Bill," Thane has yet to crack the code. "I get that 'UNTLD EXP M2M MINS' is something to do with mobile-to-mobile, but why do they have to write it like it's a friggin' text message? And as for what 'MAX UNL MNET' is, or 'MMS Opt Out,' I've got no clue. I had to call my friend Lenny."
Dr. Leonard Malveaux, a neurosurgeon at UCLA Medical Center, has been working with Thane to dechiper the bill. "I thought it would be easy," the brain surgeon says. "I mean, it's not like it's... what's the phrase? Anyway, it took weeks of computer modeling just to figure out the correct order to read the multiple two-sided pages in."
Despite the difficulty with the bill, Thane remains pleased with his iPhone. "The moment they put it in my hands, I felt complete for the first time," Thane explains. "I've never loved anything they way I love my iPhone."
"Hello?" says Thane's twelve-year-old daughter, Cyndi. "I'm standing right here."
Thane and Malveaux have applied for federal funds to continue their research. They hope to reach a full understanding of the bill within the next five years.
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