Thursday, February 5, 2009

Man Stabbed 25 Times After Sending 'Random Things' Note

by Allan Piper

NEW YORK- After tagging several of his friends and colleagues with the internet chain letter, "25 Random Things," Derrick Tanner, who tried to teach himself guitar in seventh-grade, was stabbed twenty-five times in his office cubicle by recipients of the note. Police believe that the attacks upon this man, whose favorite pizza topping was sausage, were not coordinated, but instead were twenty-five separate, random assaults.

"25 Random Things" is a virally circulating email message that encourages people to share unrequested personal information with their friends. Coworker, Tom Davis reflects on what went through his mind when he received the note from Tanner. "This is the third one of these things I've gotten, and when I read that Derrick likes wintergreen Tic-Tacs better than spearmint, I remember thinking, 'why the f--- do you think I care?' and I grabbed one of those erasable pens that I now know he loves and I stabbed him in the eye."

Other recipients responded more warmly to the posting. "The third thing on the list said he used to call his grandma 'Num-Num,' I thought that was kind of cute," said neighbor, Erica Small, "but it was also way more than I needed to know, so I stabbed him too."

Not everyone tagged by the former spelling bee champ gave in to the urge to murder. Yoga classmate, Tina Donaldson recalls, "I was pretty grossed out when I read he secretly picks his nose, and I kind of wanted to stab him, but I decided to be a bigger person than that. Also by the time I got there, there was a real line."

Because it will be hard to determine which of the multiple stab wounds was the cause of death, the District Attorney's office has decided not prosecute any of the assailants who took the life of this collector of state quarters. "We're just going to let it go," a D.A. spokesperson confirms. "After all, he kind of brought it on himself."


  1. LOL! This needs to get forwarded to everyone who sends those things!

  2. are fucking hilarious!

    I love you!

  3. I laughed out loud.