NRA Head Calls for 'National Database of Lunatics,' Stops Short of Signing Himself Up

Yesterday on Meet the Press, NRA leader Wayne LaPierre argued that the Navy Yard shooting could have been prevented if only the Navy had more guns. And although he has opposed the registration of guns, he called for registering America's mentally ill in a "national database of these lunatics."

Last year, LaPierre argued that the fact that President Obama took no action to restrict guns during his first term was proof of a "massive Obama conspiracy… to destroy the Second Amendment" during his second term. He also has suggested that President Obama will make it illegal to fly the American flag and that efforts to reduce gun violence will lead the UN to commit "mass executions of gun owners." Despite his call for a national database of lunatics, this leader of one of America's most powerful lobbying groups stopped short of offering to sign himself up. 

NRA: Shooting Could Have Been Prevented if Navy Had Guns

Having previously declared that the solution to school shootings is to arm teachers, the NRA now suggests the way to avert shootings like that at the Washington Navy Yard, at Fort Hood in 2009, and recently at police stations in Connecticut, California, and New Jersey, is to arm police and the armed forces. The NRA cites the fact that shooter Aaron Alexis, who had previously been arrested for gun violence, was able to walk onto the military facility with an AR-15 assault rifle, a shotgun, and a semiautomatic handgun, as evidence that guns are not yet easy enough to acquire. 

Related story, "NRA: Solution to Gun Violence is Nukes"

Americans Still Prefer 'Sternly-Worded Letter' to Syra Strike

Despite last night's address, Americans remain skeptical of President Obama's call for action in Syria. An Inq poll shows only 31% of Americans support a military strike to stop Bashir al-Assad from systematically mass-murdering civilians with weapons so ghastly that the entire civilized world has classified their use as a crime against humanity. 38% of those polled instead prefer a "sternly-worded letter."

18% believe a clever Facebook status will dissuade Assad from bombarding Syrian families with the nerve-agent sarin, which causes convulsions, paralysis, neurological damage, and death within the first minute of contact. 7% support an international drum circle as the solution, while 6% say we should simply watch funny cat videos instead of looking at the images of blue-skinned Syrian toddlers spasming to death in puddles of their own poisoned vomit.

Republican leaders warn that if President Obama does resort to a sternly-worded letter, he must seek Congressional approval to authorize the use of "all-caps."

Red Sox Owner Buys Boston Globe

Red Sox owner, John Henry has purchased the Boston Globe for $70 million. Henry promises to continue the paper's tradition of hard-hitting, investigative journalism with the upcoming exposé, "Why the Yankees Suck."

NRA: Solution to Gun Violence is Nukes

The NRA has long argued that the only way to curb gun violence is to make guns more available, because as everyone knows, if something causes a problem the best way to solve it is to have way more of it. This is why so many people have lost weight with the popular "all-cookie diet," and why exterminators typically solve a rat problem by releasing thousands of rodents into a home to drive them out.

This week however, the NRA admitted that today's criminal shooters are so heavily armed that guns alone can't solve the problem, and began lobbying to loosen restrictions on nuclear weapons. "The Second Amendment protects the right to bear all arms," an NRA spokesperson said, "not just guns. Clearly the founding fathers were not just talking about semiautomatic assault rifles with armor piercing bullets. They were explicitly protecting an American's right to defend his home with a full nuclear arsenal."

The spokesperson went on to explain how the Newtown tragedy could have been averted if one of the teachers had been carrying a small thermonuclear device. "Within seconds she could have reduced the entire town to a steaming pile of radioactive rubble, including the shooter, and maybe some mentally disturbed people who could have gone on to become shooters."

A nuclear-armed citizenry would reduce not only violent crime, but even minor infractions "Is anyone going to cut you off in traffic when they have no idea if you're packing a Titan Missile?" the spokesperson asked. "Just imagine how friendly everyone would have to be if every stranger on the street was just a button click away from wiping out the entire town."

Current laws banning individuals from owning nuclear weapons make us more vulnerable to nuclear assault, the spokesperson argued. "Since criminals don't follow laws, there is absolutely no way to prevent any criminal from obtaining all the nukes he wants," adding "if we outlaw nuclear warheads, only outlaws will have them."

Related story from the archives: "It's a Bible AND a Gun."

Romney Explains His Plan to Strengthen the Middle Class

Kindergarten Suffers "It" Outbreak

Six-year-old Miles Anderson appeared healthy when he left for school, but by mid-day he was running in frenzied circles, terrorizing his classmates, letting loose agonized screams that could be heard across the playground. He had developed the tell-tale symptoms of being "It." He soon recovered, but not before transmitting the infection to another student, sparking an "It" epidemic that soon swept through most of his class.


Little is known of the "It" virus, except that it can by spread by any form of direct contact. Survivors of the infection may enjoy a brief immunity doctors refer to as "no tag-backs."


To prevent exposure to the wider community, the Centers for Disease Control has placed Miles' kindergarten class under forcible quarantine indefinitely.

NC Votes to Protect the Sanctity of Pizza

CHARLOTTE, NC- Two weeks after banning same-sex marriage, North Carolina voters returned to the polls to ban gluten-free pizza. "You can't change the definition of pizza," said a sponsor of the measure. "If we allow people to make pizzas with gluten-free crusts, we'll also have to let them make pizza out of dogs, or the flesh of murdered babies." 

The law's supporters deny that it is discriminatory. "People who choose to be gluten-intolerant should have the same rights as everybody else," said one voter "They just shouldn't be allowed to eat foods they like without severe abdominal pain." 

"I have nothing against people who eat gluten-free pizza. I just personally don't like it," said another voter. "So nobody else should be allowed to eat it."

Many based their vote on the Bible. "Even though Jesus technically never said anything about pizza," another voter said, "the miracle of the fishes and the loaves clearly shows he intended pizza to be made with a wheat crust and with anchovies," adding "of course I skip the anchovies because that's gross." 

The new law has drawn scorn from many in states that allow gluten-free pizza. According to one New York pizza-lover, "the people of North Carolina don't even know what a real pizza is."

Republicans Don't Ever Want to Get Laid Again

As Republican men increasingly come out against birth control in any form, defund Planned Parenthood, make rape harder to prosecute, criminalize miscarriage, require women to have random objects jammed into their vaginas, and even denounce the Girl Scouts as a "radical organization, they are sending a clear message to women across the country: they do not ever want to have sex again. 

Nevertheless, as evidenced by Mitt Romney's five children and Rick Santorum's seven, some women are still having sex with Republicans, even those as strangely misshapen as Newt Gingrich. According to Irwin Kram of the Factual American Research Trust (FART), women's insistence on engaging in unnatural Republican sex defiles the purity of GOP values. "Since Republicans have declared abstinence the only acceptable form of birth control, women must respect that belief by abstaining from sex with them."

"Ideally," says Kram, "women should not have sex with anyone. If God intended us to have sex for pleasure, he certainly wouldn't have made it the most physically pleasurable thing we could possibly do." If women absolutely must have sex, Kram urges them not to lead God-fearing Republicans into sin, but to instead settle for godless Democrats like George Clooney or Dennis Kucinich.