AZ Law Not Racist, Gov Claims

PHOENIX- Immigrant rights groups are planning nationwide demonstrations tomorrow to protest Arizona's new law, which requires police to stop everyone who might be an illegal immigrant and arrest them if they cannot provide proof of legal residency. Critics claim that the law will lead to racial profiling of Latinos, but a spokesperson for Republican Governor Jan Brewer denies such charges. "This law in no way singles out Hispanics. It applies universally to all brown people, including n-ggers and chinks."

Prophet Muhammad Looks Awful in Photos

The creators of South Park have been the subject of death threats after including a cartoon representation of the Prophet Muhammad in last week's show. Any visual depiction of the Prophet is forbidden under Islamic law because, as those close to the founder of Islam attest, "he hates the way he looks in pictures, especially recently."

In the roughly 1,400 years since founding the world's second most popular religion, the Prophet has reportedly not aged well. "He's got a big bear gut; he's bald," sources close to the Muhammad say, "and somehow after all these years his acne's just gotten worse."

Despite spending thousands on health and beauty products, including Shake Weights and designer eye cream, the Prophet simply is not happy with his appearance, so much so that although his religious teachings are all about love and peace, he is willing to have anyone killed who posts a picture of him anywhere— especially if it was taken at that bachelor party in Reno.

iPad Good for More Than J--king Off, Apple Claims

CUPERTINO, CA- On Saturday, Apple sold more than 300,000 of its new iPad, the revolutionary gadget which it claims is absolutely, definitely designed for more than just j--king off to internet porn. As a web surfing device that lacks the functionality of a laptop but is still too big to put in your pocket, the iPad's major selling point seems to be that users can conveniently carry it into a bathroom and hold it with just one hand. Nevertheless, an Apple spokesperson insists "it's not just for porn. There are plenty of other practical applications for the iPad," adding "possibly as many as several."