NPR Exec Commits Crime of Independent Thought

editorial by Irwin Kram, Senior Fellow at the Factual American Research Trust (FART)

This week an NPR executive was secretly filmed expressing his private, personal opinion that Tea Party members are racist. Naturally, NPR's chief executive needed to resign by the end of the week, as holding such an opinion runs counter to the fundamental responsibility of journalism, which is to make the Tea Party look awesome.

Teabaggers are not racists. They are a cross section of America, from a wide variety of Christian faiths, whose skin-color spans every possible shade of white. They are motivated not by bigotry, but a profound love for this country and the understandable desire to lynch a black president.

But this is not about the Tea Party. It's about journalism. It is simply a crime for a member of a news organization to have an independent thought about a story-- unless the story is NPR, such as when Fox News Chief Roger Ailes called NPR executives Nazis. Of course this was not so much an opinion as a statement of fact. We all know there is a very fine line between launching a war for total world domination and issuing a commemorative tote bag.

A true journalist must be a mindless automaton, merely regurgitating the talking points of either side. This is why the Inquisition has replaced most of its human staff with an army of robots. The new News Director is pictured below. I have been assured that he has spinning razor blades for hands not for any nefarious purpose, but just to facilitate the editorial process.

Childhood on Mars Shaped Huckabee's Worldview

In a radio interview Monday, former Arkansas governor and Fox News host, Mike Huckabee said that Pres. Obama may have developed an anti-western worldview due to his childhood in Kenya. He also implied that the president's American citizenship is questionable.

As every sane member of the Earthling population is aware, the president was born an American citizen, with an American mother, who gave birth to him in America. He spent all but four years of his childhood here, and never even visited Kenya until he was an adult.

Although Huckabee claims to have been born in the US himself, not once has he publicly presented his original birth certificate, leading many to suspect that he was actually born on Mars. Since there are no black people on Mars, it only makes sense that Huckabee would come to regard them with suspicion.

The former baptist preacher may not be alone in his Martian origin. A recent poll shows that 51% of Republicans question the president's citizenship, while Republican legislatures in 11 states have introduced "birther bills" aiming to block Pres. Obama from the 2012 ballot. If the majority of Republicans are actually Martians, then their efforts to accelerate climate change, deprive Earthlings of healthcare, and foster nuclear proliferation can be understood as part of a traditional Martian culture that values the total destruction of the planet Earth.

While Huckabee has yet to confirm that he is running for president, he has promised that all his political intentions will be made clear when we finish translating his new book, To Serve Man.

Supporting American Workers is Un-American

editorial by Irwin Kram, Senior Fellow at the Factual American Research Trust (FART)

A fight for American values is taking place in Wisconsin. Gov. Scott Walker is valiantly working to dismantle his state's unions while an unruly mob of arugula-latte sipping elitists are trying to stop him. A hundred years ago this was a nation of workers. The economy was so good, there were more children in the workforce than in school. There were just that many jobs! Then the unions ruined everything. As long as unions insist that workers get paid a living wage in actual money, of course the jobs will go to China, where you can buy a day's labor with a bowl of noodles. Those should be American workers getting paid in noodles!

Sure, it would be great to pay all workers a living wage, but the money for that just doesn't exist. Theoretically it could, since in the past twenty years, US GDP has grown at an average 2.6% and the population has only grown at 1.09%. However, you have to factor in CEO pay, which rose nearly 300% over the same period (see chart below). And with good reason! Today's CEO's are technologically superior to the obsolete CEOs of the past. Reducing their compensation or (God forbid!) increasing their taxes are ideas so radical, they cannot even be discussed.

The real solution to balancing our budgets and creating jobs is to return to the values of our founding fathers, who recognized that paying workers at all is un-American. They built this nation by the labor of a vast, unpaid workforce. As long as there was no pay, there were plenty of jobs to go around. Until 1862, African-Americans enjoyed a 100% employment rate. Talk about affirmative action!

Unions threaten America, not necessarily with a redistribution of wealth, but at least with a socialist redistribution of dignity. Unions insidiously demand dignity, not just for those whom God has selected for wealth and power, but dignity for every worker and every American. That is the essence of liberal elitism, and it must be stopped.

House Budget Will Kill Puppies

WASHINGTON, DC- The House will vote today on a Republican plan of sweeping budget cuts. One of its most controversial provisions will call for the execution of all the nation's puppies. "With a $1.5 trillion deficit," Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) announced, "we simply cannot afford small furry animals that run around and piddle everywhere."

Critics of the measure say that killing puppies will have no effect on the deficit. "If Republicans were serious about the deficit, they could have scaled back the defense budget, which accounts for 20% of deficit spending," a Democratic staffer said. "Or they could have cut the Bush tax cut for the wealthiest Americans, which is going to increase the deficit by nearly 47%."

The staffer went on to say that by killing puppies, killing PBS and NPR (which account for only 0.0003% of the budget), killing food aid for starving foreign children (which accounts for less that 0.053% of the budget), and bragging about killing 200,000 federal jobs, Republicans are not trying to cut the deficit, they are simply trying to be as mean possible, "because as Van Jones put it, they are a**holes."

Aguilera Sings Incorrect Nonsense Anthem Words, Instead of Correct Nonsense Words

ARLINGTON, TX- Christina Aguilera embarrassed herself this weekend as she attempted to sing the national anthem at the Superbowl. Near the end of the song, the pop diva accidentally sang a nonsensical string of random words, instead of the correct nonsensical string of words that make up the song's actual lyrics.

The line she flubbed was "O'er the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming," which historians believe Francis Scott Key wrote to describe the ram entrails that were scattered following a series of ram-related explosions during the famed Battle of Whatever Battle It Was. Also, there were streamers… which he was watching… with an oar.

Michelle Obama Kills Children, Conservative Press Says

New statistics from the Governor's Highway Safety Administration show a 0.4% increase in pedestrian deaths in 2010. The Washington Examiner and the Daily Caller suggest Michelle Obama is to blame for the "sharp" rise. Her "Let's Move" campaign to fight childhood obesity is driving children away from the safety of their couches and into the paths of oncoming cars.

Reality TV star and paragon of parental responsibility, Sarah Palin has long derided the "Let's Move" campaign as a government takeover of the kitchen. It now appears that the First Lady's initiative also may be part of the administration's efforts to execute Americans via death panels.

To combat the dangerous influence of the "Let's Move" campaign, the video game industry is launching a "Never Move At All" campaign, urging children to maintain a permanently fixed position in front of their TVs and game units. "Thanks to the advent of laptops and smart phone technology, there is no longer any reason for children to make the long and dangerous trek between their TVs and their computers," a spokesperson says. "They should just stay put."

McDonald's is doing its part to boost child health and safety by redesigning the Happy Meal as a giant feedbag which parents can fasten to their children's muzzles, preventing them from ever having to get up for a snack. Once emptied, the feedbags then can be applied to the other end of the child until it is refilled and the cycle can be repeated.

The "Never Move At All" campaign is cautioning parents not to give in to the temptation to take their children out on a nice day for a game of catch. "As fun as that might be for a moment," the spokesperson says, "nothing compares to the beautiful glazed eyes, natural pallor, and oily sheen of a healthy, sedentary child."

House Passes 'Job-Killing' Bill

WASHINGTON, DC- Yesterday, House Republicans voted to repeal health reform with a bill titled "The Repeal the Job-Killing Health Care Law Act." Today, they will vote on repealing financial reform with the "Democrats Hate America Financial Deregulation Bill."

House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) said in a teary-eyed statement that he is confident by the end of the week, the House can turn its attention to the "Barack Obama Is a Poo-Poo Head Commodity Futures Trading Act."

Palin Condemns AZ Shooter for Leaving 192 Dems Alive

In the wake of today's assassination attempt against Rep. Gabrielle Giffords (D-AZ), Sarah Palin condemned the shooter for leaving 192 House Democrats still alive. "It is an unspeakable tragedy that this disturbed individual left so many Democrats un-shot," the reality TV star said.

Rep. Giffords was on Palin's "target map" (see below). Although nineteen other Democrats were marked with gun-sites on her website, the Arizona shooter failed to fire at any of them. "What do I have to?" Palin asked. "Print their actual addresses?" Palin said that in light of this tragedy, she hopes the nation can set aside political differences and join together in rounding up and executing the rest of the Democrats.

House Passes 'Return to 1950' Bill

WASHINGTON, DC- On its first day, the new Republican-controlled House of Representatives passed HR 27B-6, a bill which would legally return the nation to 1950.

"This measure accomplishes the entire Republican agenda," said Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH), choking up with emotion. "Not only does it repeal Obamacare, it returns us to a time when our economy is strong, homosexuality is shameful, and most importantly a n*gger can't be president," adding "I can say n*gger, it's 1950."

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) responded, saying "even if the Senate passes this bill, it is unlikely that Pres. Obama will sign it into law." Boehner rebutted by slapping her butt and ordering her to make some coffee.