Gov. Perry Wants to Get It On With America

IOWA CITY- Presidential hopeful, Gov. Rick Perry said yesterday that the US deserves a president who is "in love with America." Sources close to the Texas governor say he has had a crush on the United States since his pre-teen years. During junior high, he would spend long hours locked in his room, surrounded by posters of scantily clad purple mountain majesties, or suggestive pictures of amber waves of grain washing a sports car.

Unlike Pres. Obama, who only calls a press conference when he has business to discuss, Gov. Perry promises if elected to frequently call press conferences just to say "I love you," or to ask the nation how its day is going. And he promises to never mention how fat America is getting.

In lieu of a jobs bill or stimulus plan, Perry would frequently surprise the US with flowers or little love notes. And as with the last Texas governor who became president, America should expect to get f*cked good and hard.

Obama Turns 50, Opponents Outraged

Pres. Obama drew criticism today as he turned fifty. "The fact that he did something this radical and partisan without consulting Congress shows he has no regard for the Constitution," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), who vowed to use Senate procedural rules to block the president from being served his birthday cake.

"We've seen this before," warned presidential hopeful, Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN). "You know who else turned fifty? Adolph Hitler. And that was the year he bombed Pearl Harbor. I'm just saying."

The president had hoped to celebrate his birthday by having a quiet dinner with his wife, but in light of Republican objections he is now offering a compromise in which he will have dinner alone, and a tearful House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) will administer his birthday spankings.