Putin blackmailing Trump into being horrible, leak suggests

A leaked series of phone recordings suggests Vladimir Putin may be using compromising videos to blackmail Donald Trump into behaving like a lying, thin-skinned, petulant, hypocritical, misogynistic, race-baiting, xenophobic, science-denying, tax-evading, narcissist with little to no comprehension of global or national affairs or even basic grammar and spelling. The Inquisition has obtained hours of taped conversations in which the Russian president directs Trump to engage in insulting and denigrating behavior, including this excerpt:

PUTIN: You must mock disabled reporter.

TRUMP: Absolutely not. I couldn’t possibly do something so reprehensible.

PUTIN: You know what’s in these tapes. Would be shame if they were leaked.

TRUMP: Okay, fine.

PUTIN: You saw what I did there with “leaked.”

TRUMP: Yes, yes, I get it. You’re quite witty. 

While some of what Putin has required of Trump is specifically advantageous to Russia, such as selecting Russian “Order of Friendship” recipient Rex Tillerson as secretary of state and Gen. Michael Flynn, a regular contributor to the propaganda network Russia Today, as national security advisor, most of Putin’s instructions have been aimed at forcing the naturally modest and mild-mannered Trump to adopt a belligerent public persona.

PUTIN: You must use Twitter to call people “losers.”

TRUMP: Really, now. I’m a grown man, I’ll do no such thing.

PUTIN: There is steady-stream of videos that could be released.

TRUMP: Okay, okay.

PUTIN: Also, call everything “big-league.”

TRUMP: What? That doesn’t even make sense. “Major league,” perhaps, but…

PUTIN: You know, with free flow of information these days…

TRUMP: Yes,  yes, you’ve made your point. 

PUTIN: These videos could make a real splash with the press.

TRUMP: My goodness, the indignity of it all. 

While we may never know what the compromising videos contain, in their phone recordings Putin can be heard demanding that Trump take actions that make some sort of veiled, comedic reference to whatever was filmed. These include covering his entire living quarters in gold, building a five-story fountain that showers the gilded atrium of Trump Tower, embracing the discredited theory of trickle-down economics, and pissing away his entire fortune on a series of failed business ventures. 

The president-elect has denied the existence of these videos as well as the veracity of the phone recordings, calling them “false, big-league,” and “a sad example of yellow journalism.”

Trump claims credit for rising sun

In a late-night tweet, President-elect Donald Trump claimed credit for increasing hours of daylight since his election, posting: “Before my landslid election the world was dark. Days getting shorter. Now sun rises earlier, sets later. Thanks Donald!”

Trump made his latest claim hours after taking credit for Sprint's pre-existing plan to create new U.S. jobs, days after crediting himself for increased consumer spending around the holidays, and a month after claiming to have saved a Ford plant that was never planning to close or move. While critics say that increasing hours of daylight would have occurred regardless of the election, incoming counselor to the president, Kellyanne Conway dismisses those charges as “sour grapes.” Conway predicts that within the first six months of his administration, President Trump will fully cast off the gloom of winter and bestow radiant, summer sun across the nation. 

How the Republicans Steal Progress

Tom Cotton Reminds Gays How Much Worse Things Could Be.

Because when you think "America," you think "a little better than Iran." Courtesy of the Internet Action Force.
 

Ted Cruz Signs Up for Obamacare, Loses Freedom

Sen. Ted Cruz, who previously shut down the government in an effort to stop Obamacare, claiming it "takes our freedom away," announced this week that he himself is now signing up for it. As Cruz feared, as soon as he logged into HealthCare.gov, he immediately lost all his freedom. The Texas senator will remain trapped in one of the Affordable Care Act's mandated "Obamacages" until he either succeeds in repealing the law that provides health coverage to over 16 million Americans, or until he is set free by a death panel. 

Guns Don't Kill People, Babies Kill People

After an Idaho woman was shot and killed by her two-year-old son, who found the mother's gun in her purse, the NRA has issued a statement that this tragedy could have been averted if only the mother had carried a second gun, with which to defend herself against her child.

Inq correspondant Jules Bausch-Lee contributed to this report.

Talking Torture with the CIA (Audio)

With a Senate report raising new concerns about the CIA's use of torture (and possibly adding a new meaning to the term "bottom feeder"), here's what Inquisition Radio was able to find out from the agency (without resorting to enhanced interrogation techniques). Joe Smith contributed to this report. 

KY Senator Calls Climate Change 'Made Up Science;' Skeptics Call Kentucky 'Made Up State'

With the People's Climate March approaching this weekend, Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) announced a new investigation he hopes will discredit some of the climate scientists, whom he claims "are making up their facts." This comes as some skeptics claim the senator himself may be making up the state of Kentucky. 

"Kentucky is a hoax" claims a spokesperson for a group of Kentucky deniers. "It's just a money-making scheme for the bourbon industry." As evidence, the group cites the fact that none of them have ever been there. 

Although a vast majority of geographers and the state's 4.38 million residents believe in Kentucky, as a news organization, the Inquisition must give equal weight to both sides of the argument.