TSA Announces Plans to Make You F---ing Miserable

Following a failed terrorist attempt to blow up a plane on Christmas day, the Transportation Security Administration has initiated new regulations aimed to make air travel even more unpleasant than it has already become.

"We can't tell you what the new measures are," a TSA spokesperson explains, "but we promise you are really, really going to hate them."

It is believed the enhanced screening techniques will include full body scans, opening luggage so bomb-sniffing dogs may urinate in it, and randomly jabbing travelers in the eye with a stick, or "passenger safety wand."

Public response to the heightened tactics so far has been mixed. "It's a real pain," said passenger Bart Tillson, as a team of security screeners at Chicago's O'Hare Airport licked their fingers and stuck them in his ears, "but if it's this much of a hassle, it's got to make us safer, right?"

According to TSA representatives, the goal of the security protocols is to make air travel so unbearable that "even a terrorist who is willing to blow himself up, won't be willing to go through an airport to do it."

The Senate's Night Before Christmas

WASHINGTON, DC- The Senate health reform bill passed a second procedural vote this morning, and is on track to come to a final vote on Christmas Eve. In honor of the occasion, the Inquisition offers this poem.

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the Senate
Limped a bill much worse than the day they began it.
The public option was killed by an elf named Joe,

In hopes that insurers would give him more dough.
Those insurers were nestled, all snug and in bed.
With Dems on their payroll, they had nothing to dread.
On Baucus! On Conrad! On Nelson! On Lincoln!*
Keep the good of this bill continually shrinkin'!

When what to my wondering eyes did appear
But Pres. Obama, whom the people hold dear.
The man with the stature to take blue dogs to task
Boldly proclaimed his strategy: "Give them whatever they ask."

The Repubs spread lies (believe it or not),

Labeling market competition a socialist plot.
"There're death panels," chirped Palin, as she posed for paparazzis,
And explained how health care was the goal of the Nazis.

But somehow despite the calumnious racket
This bill boasts insurance for 30 million who lack it.
Though not perfect, it's good, as I'm glad to report it,
So call your senator now (yes, right now) to support it.

On Christmas morning we'll cheer, hoping promises stick.

Merry Christmas to all, and please don't get sick.

To call or email your senator, follow this link. It is really, really easy.

http://www.senate.gov/general/contact_information/senators_cfm.cfm

*These Senate Democrats who have hindered health reform all have taken over $100,000 in campaign contributions from the insurance industry. Sen. Lieberman received $644,394 in his last campaign.

No More TAG for Tiger?

by Chris Pearson & Allan Piper

On Friday, TAG Heuer announced it will drop Tiger Woods from the ad campaign for its watches. The Swiss company hopes instead to make him the spokesperson for their new line, TAG Everything That Moves.

To Reduce CO2, US Asks China to Hold Its Breath

COPENHAGEN- Secretary of State Hillary Clinton arrived at the UN Climate Change Conference this morning with a plan to reduce greenhouse gas emissions by over 233,000 tons a year. She is asking the entire population of China to hold its breath.

"I know it sounds tough," Clinton told the Chinese delegation, "but if you can all hold your nose and mouth for just five minutes everyday, you'll be cutting almost as much CO2 as Saint Lucia emits all year." The Secretary of State then added, "and since Saint Lucia's emissions are expected to drop to zero when it's completely underwater, we'd be looking at an overall annual reduction of over half a million tons by 2025."

Several delegates objected that the US should reduce its own emissions before asking other nations to stop breathing, but Clinton defended her proposal as more realistic. "Believe me," she explained, "it'll be easier to convince a billion Chinese to stop breathing than to get anything through Congress."

Lieberman Will Block Health Bill Unless Harry Reid Eats a Bug

WASHINGTON, DC- Sen. Joe Lieberman (I-CT) first threatened to filibuster any health bill that included a public option. Though many reformers considered the public option the centerpiece of reform, Senate Democrats swiftly bowed to the Connecticut senator's wishes, offering a compromise of a Medicare "buy-in" for Americans aged 55-64.

Lieberman, who had previously supported the buy-in, then demanded that it be stripped from the bill as well. On Monday, Democrats complied. Now the independent senator is threatening to filibuster any health legislation that does not include a provision requiring Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) to eat a bug.

Although Lieberman took $644,394 from the insurance industry in his last campaign, and although his wife has worked as an insurance lobbyist, the senator maintains that he is not trying to block reform altogether. "Nobody wants health reform more than I do," he explains, "but it has to be fiscally responsible," adding, "and Harry has to eat a bug. That's only reasonable."

Patients Wait Only 55 Years for Doctor Under Senate Plan

WASHINGTON, DC- Details of the health care compromise between Senate Democrats are still scarce, but reports suggest that reformers have traded the prospect of a public option for a "Medicare buy-in," that would allow uninsured people as young as 55 to obtain coverage through the popular seniors' program. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) has described this plan as "better than the public option."

"The Medicare buy-in will offer affordable, reliable health care to every American," a spokesperson for the 70-year-old senator explains, "provided that they wait until they are 55 to get sick."

So far, health reform supporters are enthusiastic about the deal. "As soon as I heard, I made an appointment for my son to see a pediatrician in 2061," says Janice Larker, whose 4-year-old is among America's 9 million uninsured children.

Newlyweds Cara and Michael Tennison are also pleased. "We're eager to start a family in just 31 years," Cara beams, adding "and in only six years, my mother can get that lump checked out."

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) already has expressed opposition to the plan, warning that while Republicans are eager to hash out a deal that is truly bipartisan, they will not support any health care legislation that increases the deficit, reduces the deficit, or leaves the deficit unchanged.

GOP Objects to Whatever Obama Will Say Today

WASHINGTON, DC - President Obama will unveil a new plan for job growth in a speech today. Although the president has not yet given his speech, House GOP leader John Boehner (R-OH) has already derided it as "a giant step backwards."

No details of the plan have been released, but White House sources suggest that it may involve left over TARP funds. In anticipation that the president might use money set aside for bailing out banks to create jobs for average Americans, Sen. Judd Gregg (R-NH) has preemptively called whatever the president's plan is "an absolute outrage."

A full denunciation of the as-yet-unknown jobs plan came yesterday from Heritage Foundation Senior Fellow, Quincy Wagstaff, who delivered the following address.

School Paper Refuses to Cover Tiger Woods

SPRINGFIELD, MA- With the Tiger Woods scandal in full bloom, every paper in the country is devoting front page coverage to it-- every paper that is, except one. The Fillmore Flyer, a student publication of Millard Fillmore High School, has adopted a controversial editorial policy of devoting no ink to the golf superstar and his peccadilloes. "Between the upcoming winter formal and the cafeteria stink bomb incident, it just seems like we've got more important news to cover," says senior, Ricky Blovtiz, Flyer editor-in-chief.

"The Flyer is just copping out," says New York Post editor, Col Allan. "This week the president committed 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan, the Senate is debating historic healthcare reform, and New York killed gay marriage, but we never let Tiger get bumped as lead story."

The New York Times, Washington Post, and Chicago Tribune also found front page space for articles and pictures related to the scandal. Even the National Inquisition is running a gratuitous image of Woods' wife in a bikini.

Fillmore principal, Ted Herschel has apologized on behalf of the school paper. "These are just kids," he explains. "We can only hope that when they grow up, they'll have a better understanding of what's truly important."

Climate Change Won't Destroy Blue States, Red States Claim

LINCOLN, NE- With the UN Climate Change Conference in Copenhagen approaching, climate change skeptics are becoming increasingly vocal. "Environmentalists make wild claims with nothing to back them up but science," says Ogden Clover of the Nebraska based, Red State Alliance. "Now science is good for a lot of things, like making volcanoes out of baking soda and vinegar, but what it's not good for is dealing with matters of faith, and real Americans have complete faith that there is no global warming."

Like most red state residents, Clover believes that "the myth of global warming" is a politically motivated conspiracy between liberals and every single climatologist on the planet. He also adamantly insists that he and other climate change deniers are "absolutely not involved" in a conspiracy of their own to annihilate the blue states.

"The idea that melting polar ice caps could cause massive flooding and wipe out the east and west coasts and Hawaii is downright laughable," says Keith Stewart of North Dakota Future Beach Front Realty. "I mean, come on."

One of the most outspoken disbelievers of global warming is professional Facebook-poster, Sarah Palin. "If I believed for one minute that global warming could destroy the Obama states, kill Katie Couric and Tina Fey, and change my state from a frozen wasteland that resembles Dante's ninth level of hell to a tropical paradise, of course I'd be against it," says the Alaskan oil advocate, "But we all know it's not true." Palin has yet to confirm speculation that she will run for president in 2012, but a Red State Alliance poll suggests that if carbon emissions remain unchecked, she could easily sweep all twenty-two states.

What To Do With Pesky Holiday Leftovers

A Special Food Report by Jen Houston

What to Do With Pesky Holiday Leftovers - watch more funny videos

Music by Claire Harding.

Cheney Criticizes Obama for Pardoning Turkey

WASHINGTON, DC- Pres. Obama gave his first presidential pardon yesterday to a Thanksgiving turkey in a traditional ceremony on the White House lawn. Former vice-president Dick Cheney criticized the pardon, citing it as evidence that the current president is "weak on terror."

In a statement delivered from under the bridge where he lives, Cheney said "this kind of poultry amnesty only makes us more susceptible to bird-based terrorism." Under the prior administration, the turkey had been held without trial in a secret prison, and waterboarded ninety-eight times.

A Thanksgiving Message from the Inquisition

Nearly four hundred years ago, our forefathers sat down for Thanksgiving dinner in what was America's first multicultural celebration. The Native Americans introduced the Pilgrims to new foods and agricultural practices. And in the spirit of brotherhood, the settlers gave their new indigenous friends smallpox, syphilis, and a variety of other stylish European diseases. Without help from the Native Americans, the Pilgrims probably would not have survived their first winter. And without the Pilgrims' civilizing influence, America would still be a place where beautiful women just walk around topless, and no one wants that.

Therefore, it is right and fitting that we commemorate this day with the beautiful, American tradition of eating until we feel sick, acknowledging with prayerful reflection how we grew from a rag-tag band of malnourished colonists to become the proud nation that today is home to the fattest people in the world. May this day find you filled with peace, friendship, and and as much turkey as you can possibly hold down.

Terrorists Do Not Have Super Powers

Editorial by the Infamous Professor Fear
The Infamous Prof. Fear is a world renowned super-villain. He is also Dean of the Fear Academy for Super-Villains in Training.

I'm sick of hearing people suggest that it's "too dangerous" to put the 9/11 terrorists on trial in New York, as if somehow their very presence on US soil will cause a disaster. Now if, like my friend and colleague Dr. Plutonium, they had nuclear reactors in their stomachs, and their burps and farts were atomic blasts, I could see being afraid to bring them here (or to any country that serves fast food), but these are mere mortal mass murderers.

Likewise, I am vexed by the objections to moving Guantanamo detainees to supermax prisons. This week, Senate candidate, Mark Kirk claimed that if suspected terrorists are brought to Illinois' Thomson Correctional Center, "the Chicago metropolitan area will become ground zero for Jihadist terror plots."

Please, it's maximum security. If it's good enough for mobsters, and killers who chop people up and eat them, it's good enough for a wannabe shoe-bomber. Let me tell you from personal experience, even if you have a mind-control ray, an army of mutant henchmen, and have already replaced most of the guards with android lookalikes, it is very, very hard to break out of prison.

And really, what are the other options? Place them in suspended animation and launch them into space? Too expensive. Banish them to a parallel dimension? Yeah, people in parallel dimensions just love it when we send them our super-villains. Talk about a foreign relations nightmare!

What I find most surprising is the suggestion that it would be better to execute terrorists without trial. Rounding up people and killing them is not how America deals with it's enemies; it's how I deal with my enemies. The supposed leader of the free world can't just adopt the practices of a super-villain. There are union rules against it. Be warned, America; should you abandon your founding principles of due legal process, I will do nothing short of filing a complaint with the Super-Villains Guild, and not even Pres. Obama will be able to stop me. Muhahahaha!

Public Option Cola?

Conservative pundit, Irwin Kram believes a healthcare public option is the first step to socialism. The next step, he believes, is a vast liberal soft drink conspiracy. Jen Houston has this story.

Public Option Cola - watch more funny videos

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Yohei Kawamata, Stephen Mosher, and Marci Reid contributed to this report.

Sarah Palin Unfriends the Inquisition :(

Sarah Palin celebrated a milestone today. She now has over 1 million Facebook fans. With nearly as many virtual friends as Tila Tequila, pundits agree she is almost certain to soon launch a reality show where drunk boys and girls in bikinis compete to make out with her.

To celebrate her one millionth fan, she posted a note lauding her Facebook page as "an

unfiltered communication medium." On the same day, she also filtered the communication by barring Allan Piper, the editor-in-chief of the Inquisition from posting comments and links on her wall.

"I don't get it," says Piper. "Just yesterday I posted the article 'Mayans Predict Palin Will End World in 2012' on her wall. I thought she'd love it, because it portrays her as a woman of tremendous historical significance."

Piper has been periodically posting Inquisition articles on Palin's wall since August. "I thought she'd appreciate it," he explains. "I mean we all know what a voracious reader she is. You remember when Katie Couric asked her what publications she read, she said 'all of them.'"

In honor of Palin's one millionth Facebook friend, the Inquisition has compiled a collection of our coverage of her at http://tinyurl.com/yd4lfnv "It's a pity I won't be able to post it on her wall now," Piper says. "Maybe somebody else will. I'm pretty sure she'd like it."

Mayans Predict Palin Will End World in 2012

2012 was number one at the box office this weekend. The picture is based on the ancient Mayan prophecy that the world will end in 2012 after Sarah Palin's election as president.

According to Mayan scholars, the ancient mystics believed the end of time would result from the

apotheosis of a charismatic, yet vastly stupid woman, so extremely unsuited for leadership that her rise to power would cause the very universe to collapse in on itself. "The hieroglyphics depict her as a flying huntress," explains Harvard Mayanist, Ian Whetherby, "one who shoots down wolves from a floating chariot that very much resembles a helicopter."

Whetherby warns however, against reading too much into the prophecy. "These are just the attempts of a primitive society to understand their world," advising that any correlation with modern events should be looked on as coincidental.

"That said," he continues, "the inscriptions do specifically name the 'doom-bringer' as Sarah Palin, a former beauty-queen and governor of Alaska, and mother to a brood of offspring with nonsensical names."

When asked about the prophecy at a stop on her book tour, Palin dismissed it as a "wild and paranoid conspiracy theory," and urged the public to focus on the real issues facing our nation, "like how Obama forged his birth certificate to illegally become president, create death panels, and take God off our coins."

Thousands Run Screaming from Health Bill

WASHINGTON, DC- In August, Alaskan housewife, Sarah Palin warned that health reform would bring death panels. This week Virginia Foxx (who is not a porn star, but in fact a US congresswoman) warned that the healthcare bill poses a greater threat to our nation than "any terrorist right now in any country." Even the Boogeyman has warned that health reform is scary, but no one was prepared for the horror yesterday when the nearly 2,000 page House bill HR 3962 broke free from its shackles and lumbered out of the Capitol, threatening millions of Americans with affordable healthcare.

"For God's sake, no," one woman screamed, clutching her toddler, "whatever you do, don't insure my child."

A handful of radicals tried to calm the public, including the President of the United States, the AARP, the American Medical Association, the American Nurses Association, the American Cancer Society, the Consumers Union, and the National Farmers Union. They claimed the hideous, lurching Affordable Health Care for America Act was a gentle, loving creature that was just misunderstood, but their words were drowned out by the screams of terrified villagers, who feared they would soon be forced to suffer long, healthy lives at the hands of doctors they trust.

Their alarm was understandable. It is estimated that lack of health coverage allows 45,000 Americans to die each year, freeing them from the pain and suffering of life, which would be inflicted upon them by universal healthcare.

Soon a torch-wielding mob of tea-baggers drove the beast back into the Capitol, where it will remain until the House votes on its fate tomorrow at 6:00pm. Concerned citizens hoping to influence Congress to either kill the monster, or set it loose on a life-giving rampage are urged to call the US Capitol at (202) 224-3121, ask for their representative's office, and tell them where they stand.

'Enough With the Vampires,' Werewolf Says

ROCKVILLE, MD- With the sudden popularity of the Twilight book and movie franchise, HBO's True Blood, and the CW's Vampire Diaries, Vampires are once again in vogue. Rick Goodhue, a data analyst and werewolf in suburban Maryland has had about enough of it. "I'm sick of women swooning over these pasty-faced blood-junkies," he says. "They may look twenty-something, but most of them are older than Hugh Hefner and John McCain put together. What kind of guy goes out with a girl three hundred years younger?"

Goodhue believes women seeking a supernatural soul mate would do better to date werewolves. "Contrary to stereotypes," he says, "in our human form we're no hairier than anybody else. In fact we're much better groomers than vampires because, hello, we can look in a mirror."

Werewolves have numerous dating advantages over vampires, such as being able to enjoy a nice dinner, or not bursting into flames in daylight, but somehow they seem to lack the erotic appeal of a moody four-hundred-year-old dead guy. Relationship advisor/hideous Frankenstein monster, Dr. Phil speculates that werewolves simply may not be exotic enough. "Most of the time they're just like everybody else," he explains. "The only difference between a human boyfriend and a werewolf boyfriend is that at a certain time of the month he turns into a ferocious beast who tries to kill you," adding, "There is no difference between a human girlfriend and a werewolf girlfriend."

Health Insurers to Take Over Auto Industry

While the auto industry is struggling, the health insurance industry made a record $30 billion profit last year. The trade organization, America's Health Plans has proposed that the insurance industry take over the entire auto industry. The proposed plan would abolish the current, socialist system where people buy whatever cars they want, in favor of a freer, more democratic system in which people are automatically assigned a car based on where they work. Under the new plan, if you lose your job, you lose your car.

The price of a new Ford Taurus would be different for every American, based on their anticipated driving habits, and would increase substantially each year. While consumers would pay for their cars in full, they would be granted the privilege of driving them only if the automaker deemed it automotively necessary, and only if they could prove they were driving somewhere they'd never been before. A trip to grandma's house or the grocery store would be off limits, as those most likely would classify as "pre-existing locations."

Automakers would reserve the right to rescind their cars at any time, without refunding payment, if they determined a driver to be a "high risk." High risk drivers might include New York taxi-drivers, anyone who has ridden in a taxi, and anyone who has watched the show, Taxi.

With millions of Americans buying cars and few of them ever actually getting one, the plan would both dramatically boost automaker profits and substantially reduce car accidents. This would be good, because 37,261 Americans died in car accidents last year, which is almost as many as the estimated 45,000 who died because they lacked health insurance.

Boogeyman Attacks Health Reform (Video)

America's Health Insurance Plans, a lobbying group for the insurance industry released a new study this week, claiming any type of healthcare reform will double the cost of insurance for the average American. Reform supporters have dismissed this as "more fear mongering," however AHIP denies ever mongering fear. The group has referred all questions regarding the study to their new spokesperson, the Boogeyman. Watch the video below, or larger on YouTube.

Patrick Armitage, Gabe Bartalos, Brandon Cruz, Tim Foley, Claire Harding, Jen Houston, Stephen Mosher, Allan Piper, and Stella Sensel contributed to this report.

Hooray for Obama

by Bill Clinton

When I saw Pres. Obama had been selected to receive the Nobel Peace Prize, I could not have been more thrilled-- not even if I had won the award myself. Critics may say that he has not done enough to earn this honor, but they could not be more wrong.

While it is true that he didn't broker a historic Israeli-Palestinian peace accord, or contribute to the cease-fire in Northern Ireland, or negotiate a peace agreement in Bosnia (all of which I did), he has certainly done a lot. His recent speech on nuclear disarmament was absolutely inspirational-- maybe not as significant as the Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty that I championed, but truly remarkable.

You see, the Nobel Peace Prize is not just about achievements. I mean look, Al Gore won one, and what did he do? He made a movie. A movie. Seriously.

Jimmy Carter won one too, and he didn't even get elected to a second term. He certainly didn't preside over the greatest economic expansion of the twentieth century. And what has Mr. Peanut done since being president? He just goes around building houses. He is a great man, and a hero of mine, but he didn't even found an organization like the Clinton Global Initiative, which is dedicated to literally solving all the world's problems (All of them. Read our charter).

Even Yasser Arafat won a Peace Prize. He won it for signing the Israeli-Palestinian peace accord. The one I brokered. No one could get Arafat and Rabin in a room together before I came along, but within months of being president I had a signed deal. And Arafat got the prize. Which I'm very happy about.

What President Obama has achieved cannot be measured in numbers. He has restored hope to the world. Remember "Hope"? It was kind of my campaign slogan. We were based out of Hope, Arkansas. There were posters that had my face on them. They said "hope" on the bottom. Nobody remembers that?

And of course he's also become the champion of universal healthcare. He's dared to stand up to the insurance giants like no one else has. Since 1993, when I did.

You all do know I got those two girls freed from North Korea, right? Yeah, that was me.

Anyway, I'm just tickled pink for Pres. Obama and his award. No matter how hard I rack my brains, I can't think of anyone who deserves it more. I mean that. Really.

Right Opposes Nobel on Grounds that Peace is Bad

In his Friday radio program, Rush Limbaugh uttered what may become the Republican Party's new slogan, "We are all on the side of the Taliban." Limbaugh was expressing his solidarity with the Taliban on their condemnation of Pres. Obama's Nobel Peace Prize. Hear the audio clip below.

Limbaugh further attacked the award in an email to Politico.com, not on the grounds that Pres. Obama didn't deserve it, but on the grounds that peace is bad for America. He fears that the accolade will push the president to "continue his intentions to emasculate the United States." RNC chairman, Michael Steele echoed this sentiment in a GOP fundraising letter, warning that the celebration of peace will make America "subservient" to other nations.

The condemnation of "peace" is the latest in a series of efforts by conservatives to stamp out un-American values. During the confirmation hearings of Justice Sonia Sotomayor, Republicans attacked the emotional trait of empathy as dangerous to American society. On the anniversary of September 11, they denounced public service as unpatriotic. This weekend, as gay rights activists march on Washington, conservative counter-demonstrators are expected to protest against equality.

"We need to eliminate these corrupting ideas," says Mitchell Willburn, chairman of the conservative think tank, the American Truth Foundation. Once empathy, public service, peace, and equality have been eradicated, Willburn promises a broad campaign against prudence, justice, temperance, and fortitude.

Obama to Nobel Committee: 'Thanks, but... Huh?'

WASHINGTON, DC- Pres. Barack Obama was startled to learn this morning that he had been selected to receive the Nobel Peace Prize. In a Rose Garden press conference, he said, "I am both surprised and deeply humbled by the decision of the Nobel committee," adding "You guys know I haven't made any peace yet, right?"

The president cited the continued US presence in Iraq, a possible escalation in Afghanistan, and his ongoing inability to close the prison in Guantanamo Bay as examples of his lack of peace-making. "Also," he added, "we did just bomb the moon."

Thorbjørn Jagland, chairman of Norwegian Nobel Committee, explained it was the extraordinary diplomacy the president showed in brokering a peace deal between Harvard professor, Henry Louis Gates and Cambridge police officer, Sgt. James Crowley that earned him the award, as well as the fact that "he's just really awesome."

Not to be outdone by the Nobel committee, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced Pres. Obama as the winner of the next Oscar for Best Picture. This award also came as a surprise, as Oscars typically are awarded in March, and only to people who have made movies. Academy president, Tom Sherak defended the award, explaining, "we gave one of these to Al Gore, and Pres. Obama is way cooler," adding, "and if he ever did make a movie, you know it would rock."

Senators Not Swayed by Massive Piles of Cash

WASHINGTON, DC- Five Democrats joined with Republicans on the Senate Finance Committee yesterday to shoot down a public health option. Although all five received substantial campaign contributions from the insurance industry, they insist this was not a factor in their vote.

"I'm doing what's best for America, not the insurance companies," explained Sen. Tom Carper (DE) in a statement issued while shining the shoes of a WellPoint executive. Despite the $233,000 he has taken from the insurance industry, he vowed that he is "not beholden to anyone."

"I'm just looking out for my constituents," Sen. Kent Conrad (ND) said, while washing a car for a Blue Cross executive. He vowed that the $233,625 he received from insurance companies did not influence his decision. Although North Dakota has one of the highest rates of uninsured citizens in the country, Conrad is convinced a public option would be bad for his state.

Sen. Blanche Lincoln (AR), who took $330,850 in insurance money, also had her constituents in mind when she voted against the public option. "A public option is not going to help the 17.5% of Arkansans who are uninsured," she insisted while running to pick up dry-cleaning for an Oxford executive.

Finance Committee Chairman, Sen. Max Baucus (MT), who led the fight against the public option, has received $558,075 from insurers. He also made a statement following the vote, however it was unintelligible, as he was fellating the CEO of UnitedHealth.

White House Holds Contest to Decide Why We're in Afghanistan

WASHINGTON, DC- Having been unable to articulate a clear goal for US forces in Afghanistan, Pres. Obama has launched a nationwide contest to answer the question, "Just what are we doing over there, anyway?" The president is urging all Americans to email the White House with suggestions.

"We're already getting great stuff," an administration spokesperson says. "So far the most popular answers are 'making the world safe for democracy,' and 'opening a Starbucks in Kabul,'" adding, "At this rate we're bound to come up with a good reason for being there."

Inquisition readers can submit their own answers in our comment section below (look for the tiny, tiny link that says "COMMENTS"). The winner will receive an all-expense-paid weekend for two in Kandahar.

Being Gay a Socialist Plot, Congressman Reveals

On a radio talk show this week, Iowa Republican, Rep. Steve King announced that gay marriage is "a purely socialist concept." The congressman argued that the entire marriage-equality movement is a vast conspiracy to overthrow democracy and institute a communist regime. To hear an audio clip of his statement, click here.

Following King's remarks, a representative for the Human Rights Campaign offered a full confession. "We have been outed," the spokesperson explained, "the truth is that between 10%-15% of Americans are secretly Marxist revolutionaries, merely posing as gay people. There are no real gay people. It's just something we made up as a cover."

The specifics of how gay marriage was supposed to bring about a socialist revolution remain unclear to everyone except Rep. King and senior members of the Communist Party (a.k.a the Gay Men's Chorus). "I know I'm just a simple operative, but the plot never really made sense to me," says Bruce Laforge, an interior designer whose real name is Vladmir Petroski. "I mean I've been blowing guys for fifteen years and the capitalist regime isn't any closer to falling," adding "frankly I'll be glad to get back to my wife in Russia."

Listen to the audo clip here.

Glenn Beck Boils Frog on TV

NEW YORK- Yesterday Glenn Beck threw a frog into boiling water on his show to demonstrate an old saying and prove the point that... okay, nobody knows what the point was, but here's the video (story continues below).

Beck since has claimed the frog was fake. "I didn't need a real frog to make my point," the Fox News commentator explains. "You see, there's more than one way to skin a cat, and I can prove it. Watch. Oh crap, it got away."

Scientists on the Brink of Explaining iPhone Bill

PASADENA, CA - Dr. Andrew Thane, a scientist at NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory, recently got an iPhone. "I'd been writing 'Sent from my iPhone' at the bottom of emails for months trying to look cool," he says. "I figured I should finally make it legit."

Thane is thrilled with his new phone, but was puzzled when the first bill arrived. "I'm a pretty smart guy," the rocket scientist explains, "and a cell phone bill isn't exactly... what's the phrase? Anyway, I couldn't make heads or tails of it."

Although the statement came with an instruction manual, titled "How to Read Your Bill," Thane has yet to crack the code. "I get that 'UNTLD EXP M2M MINS' is something to do with mobile-to-mobile, but why do they have to write it like it's a friggin' text message? And as for what 'MAX UNL MNET' is, or 'MMS Opt Out,' I've got no clue. I had to call my friend Lenny."

Dr. Leonard Malveaux, a neurosurgeon at UCLA Medical Center, has been working with Thane to dechiper the bill. "I thought it would be easy," the brain surgeon says. "I mean, it's not like it's... what's the phrase? Anyway, it took weeks of computer modeling just to figure out the correct order to read the multiple two-sided pages in."

Despite the difficulty with the bill, Thane remains pleased with his iPhone. "The moment they put it in my hands, I felt complete for the first time," Thane explains. "I've never loved anything they way I love my iPhone."

"Hello?" says Thane's twelve-year-old daughter, Cyndi. "I'm standing right here."

Thane and Malveaux have applied for federal funds to continue their research. They hope to reach a full understanding of the bill within the next five years.

Glenn Beck Fires Entire White House Staff

WASHINGTON, DC- The Obama administration suffered another setback this week, as Glenn Beck fired the entire staff of the White House. The move was the latest in a series of attacks on members of the president’s team.

Beck first ran a month-long campaign against environmental advisor, Van Jones, labeling him as a “socialist revolutionary.” Jones then resigned. Beck next attacked NEA communications director, Yosi Sergant, accusing him of promoting “Nazi-style propaganda.” Sergant was responsible for the Obama campaign's poster publicity, helping to make the iconic red and blue "HOPE" image ubiquitous in the months leading up to the election. Following Beck's attack, he was demoted.

Yesterday the Fox News commentator took a more drastic step, issuing pink slips to everyone working in the White House, on the grounds of “being a bunch of socialist Nazis.” The sweeping layoffs eliminated the entire administration, from cabinet level to janitorial positions.

"I didn't even know [Glenn Beck] could do that," says a shocked former Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel. "Apparently there's an obscure clause in the Constitution that grants Fox News personalities ultimate authority over the executive branch," adding, "at least that's what he claims. Somebody should probably look it up, but it's not my job anymore."

In a statement issued to the press corps while mowing the White House lawn, Pres. Obama expressed confidence that he could reach a compromise with Beck that would allow the White House to retain half its staff. "I'm going to be a tough negotiator on this," the president vowed, "I'm intent on keeping at least a third of my team intact. It might end up being more like a quarter, or maybe an eighth, but that's as low as I'll go." He added, "maybe one sixteenth, but that's it."

Actual Nazi Disappointed by Obama Healthcare Plan

WASHINGTON, DC- On Saturday, thousands swarmed the National Mall to protest President Obama's proposed healthcare reform. Once again, many protesters bore signs comparing the president to Hitler, but for former S.S. officer, Heinrich Gutter, it was a pale comparison.

"I got so excited when Fox News told me 'Obamacare' had a Nazi agenda," the 89-year-old German immigrant explains. "I assumed the bill would have a provision for killing 6 million Jews, or at least an attempt at total world domination, but what did I find? Bupkis!"

Upon reading the proposed bill, Gutter was appalled to find neither any actual Nazi plans, nor any entertaining fake Nazi plans, like stealing the Ark of the Covenant or keeping Hitler's brain alive inside a jar. "If it weren't bad enough that the bill won't kill anyone," Gutter complains, "it probably even will save millions. I am so disappointed with this president." Gutter looks forward to supporting Sarah Palin in 2012.

Conservatives Honor 9/11 with Day of National Disservice

A resolution signed by President Obama in April designates today, the anniversary of the Sept. 11 attacks, as "a National Day of Service and Remembrance." The idea was first offered by the families of 9/11 victims as a way to honor their memory with good deeds, but has met with outrage from conservatives. In an American Spectator editorial titled "Obama's Plan to Desecrate 9/11," Matthew Vadum warned that liberals are trying to change 9/11 from "a day of fear," to "a day of activism, food banks, and community gardens."

The conservative group, the American Truth Foundation is countering the allegedly liberal "Day of Service" by sponsoring a "Day of National Disservice." Mitchell Willburn, the Foundation chairman says, "We all know 'good deeds' are part of the liberal agenda. That's why the Weekly Standard recently ran an editorial condemning the emotional trait of empathy. We have to counteract liberal acts of empathy and service wherever we see them."

Instead of good deeds, Willburn is urging Americans to spend the day doing bad deeds. "Cut someone off in traffic. Litter. Help an old lady just half way across the street. These are only a few suggestions." Willburn adds, "the President of the United States, and the families of the victims, and the people of New York simply don't understand the true meaning of 9/11, but conservatives do, and we will never forget."

The Inquisition welcomes you, our readers to offer your own suggestions on how to honor this day with either good or bad deeds in our comment section below.

President Refuses to Schedule Speech around Dance Show

Mary Wiggins, a single mother in Idaho wanted to watch the president address Congress on healthcare last night. The issue matters to her. She lost her insurance when she lost her job and has been unable to take her two-year-old son to the doctor. However, like millions of Americans, Wiggins also thinks she can dance. While ABC, CBS, and NBC preempted their programing to carry President Obama's address, Fox instead ran the premiere of So You Think You Can Dance, forcing Wiggins to make a terrible choice.

"We didn't want it to come to this," a Fox spokesperson explained in a prepared statement. "We were hoping the president would compromise, but for all his talk of bipartisanship, he showed no willingness to move his speech to a more convenient time slot, such as Saturday when Cops is scheduled, or next Tuesday during More to Love." The spokesperson added, "We remain committed to entertain both those who think they can dance, and the estimated fifty-million Americans who cannot dance at all."

The White House's refusal to reschedule the address outraged many dance fans, including South Carolina congressman and former community theatre jazz dancer, Joe Wilson, who was so upset over missing the premiere that he actually shouted at the president during the speech. He has since apologized. "I let my emotions get the best of me," he explains, adding "In retrospect, I probably could have tivoed the show."

As for Mary Wiggins, she settled on an unsatisfactory compromise, frequently flipping back and forth between the two programs. "I think I got the gist of the president's plan, but some of Nigel [Lythgoe]'s critiques went way over my head." She hopes that she will never find herself in such a situation again, saying "No one should ever have to choose between health care and dance."

White House Denies Claim, 'Republicans are A--holes'

WASHINGTON, DC - Following a month of pressure from Glenn Beck, President Obama has accepted the resignation of his special environmental advisor, Van Jones. Jones sparked controversy by publicly stating that "Republicans are assholes."

The White House was careful to distance itself from Jones's statement. "The president does not share Jones's view," Press Secretary Robert Gibbs announced. "While it is true that the vast majority of Republicans are assholes, the president is aware that a number of Republicans are not," adding, "possibly as many as several."

An aide to Jones confided that the former "green jobs czar" stands by his remark, citing as recent examples of Republican assholiness, Rush Limbaugh's self-congratulatory celebration of Kennedy's death, the claims of Rep. Michelle Bachmann (R-MN) that President Obama plans to put the nation's youth into forced labor camps, and an ongoing Republican campaign to deny Americans healthcare. The aide also remarked on Glenn Beck in particular, saying "If someone calls you an asshole, and you spend an entire month trying to get him fired over it, chances are he was right."

Stranger with Van Rescues Children from Obama

ADAMS, OH— Merta Boyle was frightened when she sent her nine-year-old son, Timmy to school this morning. "I knew he'd be exposed to Obama's propaganda, but I didn't know what to do." With the president planning a nationwide address to students, Boyle feared that the message of "work hard, stay in school," would warp her son's impressionable mind, leading him down a lifelong path of Nazi socialist anarchy.

While many school districts chose to ban the speech, for students in Adams County there was no protection. That is, until one man took it upon himself to deliver neighborhood children from political indoctrination. As Boyle helplessly watched her son walk toward school, she was relieved when a stranger with a van scooped him up and drove away. The stranger then went on to pick up at least a dozen more students.

The man was unavailable for comment, but several parents who have seen him around the school playground believe he goes by the name "Uncle Bob." While it is unclear where he was taking the children, their parents agree that anywhere would be safer than their classrooms.

"I was thrilled when he picked up my kids," says mother of two, Jenna Winters. Winters fondly remembers the school addresses of Presidents Ronald Reagan and George H.W. Bush from her childhood, but explains that President Obama is "different" from those presidents. "For starters, he's a-- you know, a socialist. I wouldn't want my kids listening to his speech any more that I'd want them listening to any of that socialist rap music."

Not everyone was thrilled with Uncle Bob's action. "It's all well and good for him to want to protect those kids," says Father Robert Doole of Sacred Heart Church, "but I was planning to shelter the children myself." Doole spent days preparing the church basement for the students. "I bought everything you need to make ice cream sundaes: fudge sauce, whip cream, vaseline. Seriously, I had this covered."

As of press time, the whereabouts of Uncle Bob and the children are unknown, but Boyle, Winters, and the other parents are confident they will be home soon.