House Passes Health Bill, Death Panels Storm Capitol

WASHINGTON, DC- Within minutes of the House passing historic health reform, death panels marched through Washington, killing babies, grandmothers, and American liberty. "Everything the Republicans said was true," screamed a shocked House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA). "They sounded so crazy, but they were right."

President Obama hailed the bill's passage as "not a victory for any one party, but a victory for me, and other secretly gay Muslim Kenyans plotting to destroy the US."

As the socialist Nazi death squads stormed the streets, our founding fathers were seen rising from their graves in outrage. "We built this nation on the core principle that no American should ever have affordable health care," cried a zombie George Washington as he devoured the brains of an innocent passer-by. "Now you've ruined everything."

Glenn Beck Hates Jesus, Expert Says

NEW YORK- Weeks after urging Christians to abandon their churches if they talked about social justice, religion expert Glenn Beck is calling the House of Representatives' Sunday vote on health reform "an affront to God," because it breaks the Christian sabbath.

"Glenn Beck must really hate Jesus," says the Rev. Juan Kook. "He was always doing crap like giving people health care on the sabbath and talking about social justice."

Beck was joined on his radio show by Rep. Steve King (R-IA), who complained that health reform supporters are trying to "take away the liberty that we have right from God."

According to conservative theologian, Irwin Kram, the God-given liberty King refers to is the freedom to be exploited by insurance companies. According to the book of Genesis, the Lord removed Adam's rib to create Eve. Adam had to pay out-of-pocket for the procedure. For forty days and forty nights he attempted get reimbursed, only to be told that because the operation was performed by God, an out-of-network provider, it was not covered. When he complained, his insurer doubled his premium and evicted him from the Garden of Eden.

Sunday's vote is expected to be extremely close, and activists on both sides are urging everyone to weigh in by taking five minutes to phone the US Capitol at (202) 224-3121, ask for their congressperson's office, and voice their opinion. "Every voice counts, even on the very day of the vote," says Kram. "If this bill passes, we may lose our God-given right to get screwed-over forever, and we cannot let that happen. Please phone now."

Clarence Thomas' Wife Is Teabagger

WASHINGTON, DC- Virginia Thomas, wife of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, has raised eyebrows by forming Liberty Central, Inc., a teabagger lobbyist group dedicated to fighting government "tyranny." Some critics find it ironic that the wife of one of the most influential members of government should form an anti-government group, however Mrs. Thomas is quick to explain that teabaggers are not opposed to the government itself.

"We're just against the bad things the government does," Mrs. Thomas says, "like excessive taxation, flirting with other women, and putting pubic hair in soft drinks."

Palin Survives Canadian Death Panels

CALGARY-
Former Alaskan governor/ palm reader, Sarah Palin, who has long railed against the dangers of a national health system such as Canada's, this weekend admitted that her family used to cross into Canada to take advantage of its deadly socialist medical institutions. While Palin's critics accuse her of hypocrisy, her supporters see this as a sign bravery.

"When she says public health care is inherently murderous and then admits to using it, it doesn't mean she's full of s--t," says conservative pundit, Mitchell Willburn, "it means she is willing to face down death."

So bold is Palin, that she will subject even her own grandson to the horrors of socialist medicine. Recently revealed court documents show that Tripp has had all of his medical care covered through the Indian Health Services and the Alaska Native Health Center.

"This is the ultimate in self-sacrifice," says Palin-supporter, Irwin Kram. "She knows government hand-outs are bad for people, so she wants to take them all for herself and her family. She's trying to spare us."

Family Ends Kid's Tantrum with 'Bipartisan Deal'

ALEXANDRIA, VA- Joe and Lisa Clydemark have ended a six-month-long stalemate with their four-year-old daughter, Trisha with what they are describing as a "bipartisan deal." Last fall, Trisha declared that she would not let her parents drive her to preschool. She wanted to go by herself on a pony they would have to buy her. "She screamed, kicked, held her breath," says Lisa. "It was awful."

Although Lisa and Joe outnumbered Trisha, and appeared to have a clear mandate to decide what was best for the family, they feared that anything short of a truly bipartisan solution would lack legitimacy. After months of intense negotiations, they arrived at a compromise. Trisha would get to go to preschool by herself, but not on a pony. She would instead drive the family car.

"It's not an ideal situation," Joe admits, "but it was the best deal we could get through."

So far, Trisha has killed seven pedestrians, but her parents maintain this is a small price to pay for bipartisanship. "About 45,000 people die from lack of health coverage each year," says Lisa, "so seven pedestrians is a drop in the bucket. What's important is that we're trying to please everyone."

One group of people not pleased are the local police, who would like to arrest the Clydemarks. Joe and Lisa insist that they would prefer not to be arrested. The chief of police is hopeful that they can arrive at a bipartisan solution.