Saturday, January 30, 2010

Cold Day Disproves 'Global Warming'

by Dr. Burt Anaru of the Factual American Research Trust (FART)

It was Fox News who first alerted the nation to the dangerous onset of "global cooling." In a January 11 story, Fox quoted renowned climatologist Mojib Latif of the Leibniz Institute as warning that "a mini ice age" was coming upon us.

The fact that Latif denies ever speaking to Fox, and claims that the quotes were completely made up in no way discredits Fox's reporting. The evidence supporting global cooling is irrefutable. It's freaking cold today. Have you been outside?

The alarming trend of colder temperatures goes beyond just today's weather. Across the entire northern hemisphere, temperatures have been dropping for the past six months. High temperatures in every major city are on average forty degrees colder than they were just last July.

Also, the sun disappears below the horizon earlier than it did in July, and re-emerges later on the other side, prompting fears that one day it might not come back at all. As every scientist recognizes, the longer the sun spends under the earth, the greater the chances it will be swallowed by one of the dragons that live just over the edge of the world.

So how do we respond to the threat of global cooling? The only responsible solution is to burn fossil fuels like crazy-- not because this has the power to raise the earth's temperature (the jury's still out on that one), but because God loves it when we burn stuff, and may show mercy upon us. If we commit ourselves today to the nonstop burning of oil, coal, and the occasional sacrificial virgin, I believe we can virtually guaranty that temperatures will begin to rise again by March, or April at the latest.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Apple Denies iPad is 'iPod for Giants'

SAN FRANCISCO- After months of anticipation, Apple yesterday unveiled the device that is supposed to forever change the way we do everything: the iPad, a "magical and revolutionary" product that will allow users to listen to music, watch videos, run apps, surf the internet, and basically do everything they currently do on an iPod Touch, only on a device four times its size.

"But don't think for a moment this is just an oversized iPod," Steve Jobs explained. "This is a completely new technology. First, it's bigger. Secondly, it's larger. And third, it costs between $500-830."

Apple's CEO was quick to dispel rumors about the new product. "What this is absolutely not is an attempt to curry favor with a race of giants who will soon descend upon humanity and devour us. This is a device for normal sized people." He then added, "of course if you happen to be a twenty-foot tall hulking monstrosity with a taste for human flesh, this is a great way to carry around your entire music library and check email on the go, and it fits neatly in the pocket of any size 96 pair of pants."

Making his remarks from the foot of a beanstalk near Cupertino, Jobs announced that the iPad will be available by late March, and that he will accept payment in golden eggs.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Letting Big Biz Buy and Sell Politicians May Be Economic Boon

WASHINGTON, DC - While the Supreme Court's decision last week to allow corporations to spend unlimited sums on candidates and elections has been widely derided as a blow to democracy, many economists are hailing the ruling as an economic boon. In the past, if a company wanted to influence a politician, they had to funnel their money through political action committees. Now they are free to buy the politician outright, which could open up a whole new sector of the economy.

"Once a company actually owns a politician," explains economist Milton Feltcher, "they can then resell that politician to another company." Feltcher uses the case of Sen. Joe Lieberman (I-DE). "Insurance companies have given him over $2 million over the years, but insurance only becomes a legislative issue every couple of decades. Now Blue Cross can buy Lieberman for the healthcare vote and then recoup their expense by selling him to someone like Disney, either to represent their interests in upcoming telecommunications legislation, or possibly to play a singing rodent at one of their theme parks."

"For that matter," Feltcher adds, "Lieberman could be sliced up and repackaged with other senators to be sold as 'senatorial derivatives.'" Feltcher even imagines a future in which shares of elected officials could be traded publicly on the stock market, "thereby allowing the American public to feel like they have a small stake in our government." Of course the likelihood of anyone other than the largest investors having an actual say in the democratic process Feltcher admits is "strictly theoretical."

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

GOP Poised to Dominate Senate, 41-59

WASHINGTON, DC- The balance of Senate power is up for grabs in today's Massachusetts special election. If Republican state senator/nude model Scott Brown defeats Democrat Martha Coakley, the GOP will control the Senate with a 41 Republican to 59 Democrat majority, effectively crushing the entire Democratic legislative agenda.

Although Republican senators were able to successfully push through their own legislation during most of the Bush years, with only a 51-49 seat lead, Democrats admit that without a filibuster-proof, 60 seat majority it is unlikely that they will be able to accomplish anything.

Since Democrats historically have been what political strategists describe as "a bunch of pussies," many pundits believe that even 60 seats is not enough, and that with anything short of a 100 seat Senate majority, Democrats will be politically, and physiologically impotent.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

QVC, Playboy Demand Status in White House Press Corps.

WASHINGTON, DC- On Wednesday, Fox News devoted less than seven minutes of airtime to the earthquake in Haiti, further proving, as the White House alleged last fall, that Fox is not an actual news network. Nevertheless, the News Corp. owned channel continues to enjoy West Wing office space as part of the White House press corps. Now other non-news networks are demanding equal status.

"We should be able to ask the press secretary if buying Dr. Perricone's Cold Plasma Skin Treatment could be an economic stimulus," a QVC spokesperson says. "That's at least as relevant as talking about tea-baggers."

"We want equal respect," a spokesperson for Syfy explains. "There was more science fiction in Fox's recent report on 'global cooling' then in our upcoming flesh-eating hamster movie, starring Lorenzo Lamas."

"I just want to ask who the president thinks will win the Puppy Bowl," says an Animal Planet correspondent.

The Playboy Channel, TV Land, and Cartoon Network also are seeking White House bureaus. Press Secretary Robet Gibbs has yet to comment on whether space will be allotted for them.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

America Cursed with Pat Robertson Due to 'Pact with Devil'

In the shocking wake of Pat Robertson's statement that the Haiti earthquake was God's will, and a "blessing in disguise," Americans-- particularly Americans of faith-- are wondering what they did to deserve such a person as the Republican televangelist.

"I just don't understand how a loving and just God can allow someone like [Robertson] to exist," says Mabel Wren, a Methodist in North Dakota.

The former presidential candidate has sparked frequent outrage in the past, such as when he blamed 9/11 on American immorality, or when he called on his followers to pray for the death of Supreme Court justices. Theologian, the Rev. Juan Kook, has a theory as to why Robertson has been inflicted upon America. "Our founding fathers made a pact with the Devil to defeat the British, and today God is punishing us with Pat Robertson."

Why punish us now, more than two hundred years later? "The thing you have to understand about the way the Lord works," Kook explains, "is that the Dude's a serious procrastinator. He promises to smite you one minute, then stops to check His Facebook page and bam! A couple centuries have gone by."

As Robertson is now 79, many hope the days of suffering under his affliction are drawing to a close, but Kook warns that "when God really wants to stick it to you, he can prolong the life of someone like that indefinitely." Kook cites the case of South Carolina senator/statutory rapist Strom Thurmond, who lived to be 470. "Let's face it," says Kook, "no one knows how to hold a grudge like God does."

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Travelers Protected from Deadly Bottled Water, TSA Says

Aviation security has drawn fire recently after first permitting alleged Christmas Day undie-bomber, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab of Nigeria to board a plane bound for Detroit, and then on Sunday allowing a man to bypass security at Newark Liberty Airport, forcing the entire airport to be shut down and thousands of passengers to be rescreened. Critics of the Transportation Security Administration say that heightened post-9/11 security has inconvenienced and humiliated travelers without actually making them any safer.

This week, the TSA issued a statement in its defense, listing many of its unsung achievements. "Over the past eight years," a TSA spokesperson announced, "we have confiscated over 90,000 nail clippers, which could have been used to hijack a plane by threatening the pilot with an unflattering manicure. We have disposed of over 30,000 bottles of water, which if brought onto a plane all at once could have flooded it."

The spokesperson continued, "we have caused passengers to lose over $15,000 worth of change emptied from their pockets, money that otherwise could have been used to buy weapons or explosives. We have taken over 18,000 tubes of toothpaste, 7,000 sticks of gel deodorant, and 4,000 bottles of mouthwash, thereby increasing the security of marriages, as businessmen are less likely to hook-up in a hotel bar if they stink. We have kept travelers safe from hair clips, nail files, baby formula, lip gloss, novelty pens, and expensive perfume, all of which in the hands of an evil mastermind like the Professor from Gilligan's Island could easily be converted into a thermonuclear device."

The TSA representative admitted that there still is room for improvement and promised that the agency will place a greater emphasis on training its security screeners with instructional videos, like the following film on the proper way to inspect baggage.