Sunday, November 20, 2011

Super Committee to Appoint 'Super Duper Committee'

WASHINGTON, DC- In the event that the twelve member Congressional Super Committee is unable to reach a deficit reduction deal, committee members have proposed a two member "Congressional Super Duper Committee," which would consist of a representative of each party fighting to the death in a cage. Both parties are confident that the Super Duper Committee will achieve real deficit reduction as long as the resulting deal does not include any new taxes or spending cuts.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Cain is Victim of Dem 'Time Machine'

PHOENIX- Herman Cain's presidential bid was going well until he became the GOP front runner. Then out of nowhere, he suddenly had to settle two sexual harassment suits a decade ago. In a press conference yesterday he claimed that he was the victim of "the Democrat Machine"-- a machine which many analysts now suspect is a time machine.

"It seems like a pretty big coincidence that these allegations didn't exist until last week, when they suddenly had been a matter of public record since 1999," a campaign spokesperson said.

Cain also was alarmed when just days after he warned that China was trying to develop nuclear weapons, the Asian superpower suddenly developed them in 1964.

"We're not the ones making Cain look bad," claimed Democratic National Committee spokesperson, Emmett Brown. "And whether it was last month when he compared his candidacy to a popular ice-cream flavor that suddenly hasn't existed for years, or next month when he trips over the podium at the 103rd Republican debate, there's no 'time machine' involved."

"Of course there's a time machine," said one Republican strategist. "How else could Obama fake his birth announcement in 1961? Or wreck the economy nearly three years before he took office? How else could he have slipped a made-up 'separation of Church and state' into the Constitution?"

Pres. Obama was unavailable to respond to the allegations as he was attending a fundraising gala in 1920.