Stranger with Van Rescues Children from Obama

ADAMS, OH— Merta Boyle was frightened when she sent her nine-year-old son, Timmy to school this morning. "I knew he'd be exposed to Obama's propaganda, but I didn't know what to do." With the president planning a nationwide address to students, Boyle feared that the message of "work hard, stay in school," would warp her son's impressionable mind, leading him down a lifelong path of Nazi socialist anarchy.

While many school districts chose to ban the speech, for students in Adams County there was no protection. That is, until one man took it upon himself to deliver neighborhood children from political indoctrination. As Boyle helplessly watched her son walk toward school, she was relieved when a stranger with a van scooped him up and drove away. The stranger then went on to pick up at least a dozen more students.

The man was unavailable for comment, but several parents who have seen him around the school playground believe he goes by the name "Uncle Bob." While it is unclear where he was taking the children, their parents agree that anywhere would be safer than their classrooms.

"I was thrilled when he picked up my kids," says mother of two, Jenna Winters. Winters fondly remembers the school addresses of Presidents Ronald Reagan and George H.W. Bush from her childhood, but explains that President Obama is "different" from those presidents. "For starters, he's a-- you know, a socialist. I wouldn't want my kids listening to his speech any more that I'd want them listening to any of that socialist rap music."

Not everyone was thrilled with Uncle Bob's action. "It's all well and good for him to want to protect those kids," says Father Robert Doole of Sacred Heart Church, "but I was planning to shelter the children myself." Doole spent days preparing the church basement for the students. "I bought everything you need to make ice cream sundaes: fudge sauce, whip cream, vaseline. Seriously, I had this covered."

As of press time, the whereabouts of Uncle Bob and the children are unknown, but Boyle, Winters, and the other parents are confident they will be home soon.