Friday, February 13, 2009

Sanctity of Marriage Ruined by Gay Couple

ROCKPORT, MA- Stan Edwards and Tony Giulardi lived together for six years in the picturesque seaport town of Rockport, with no negative impact, but when they got married last month, all hell broke loose. Within days of their nuptials, the couple's next-door neighbor, Ken Marshal left his wife of twenty years for a woman in his office. "This kind of thing didn't happen when marriage was sacred," complains Marshal's wife, Barb. "Whoever heard of a man leaving his wife for a younger woman? Clearly this is Stan and Tony's fault."

The Edwards-Giulardi marriage poses a particular problem for Mary Jacobs, a local preschool teacher. "The kids started asking all kinds of questions I couldn't answer," she explains. "The only thing I could do to quiet them down was to give them all heroin. Now we've got a preschool full of junkies and it's all Stan and Tony's fault.

Since Edwards and Giulardi returned from their honeymoon, domestic violence, divorce, job-loss, littering, prostitution, arson, and Satanic ritual sacrifice have reached an all time high. While Edwards, a police officer, and Giulardi, a paramedic, have taken a lead role in responding to the town's crises, everyone holds them responsible for the downfall of the community.

"I wouldn't mind them being married if they didn't have to rub our noses in it," says neighbor, Earl Scranton. "They know I've got a telescope pointed in their window, and yet they still go at it... always looking at their wedding photos, and writing thank you notes. I shouldn't have to watch that."

Scranton, and his wife Peggy, the town's oldest couple, were due to celebrate their seventieth anniversary this year, but those plans were shattered by Edwards and Giulardi. After weeks of being subjected to views of his neighbors' same-sex wedded bliss, Scranton, at age 102, became tragically gay himself. In his wheelchair, he struggles to maintain his composure as he explains, "Peggy was the love of my life, but I had to leave her because thanks to Stan and Tony, all I can think about now is cock."

As for Peggy, she has undergone her own life-change, coming out to the community as a cannibal, and devouring her great-grandchildren. "I guess I always wanted to do this," she says, "but it was the sanctity of marriage that held me back. Now that that's gone, anything goes."

1 comment:

  1. HAHAHA! Ingenious! Junkies and cannibalism! There you go :'D