Saturday, September 24, 2011

Nation Struggles to Come to Terms with New Facebook

Millions of Facebook users were shocked and saddened this week when the popular social networking site once again suddenly became completely different. Many wandered the streets of Yoville aimlessly, as theologians and politicians looked for meaning in an otherwise senseless disaster.

"Clearly we have angered Facebook with our idolatry," explained the Rev. Myrna Mayhew. "We must set aside the temptations of Google+ and Twitter, and recommit ourselves to the one true newsfeed."

House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) blamed the Facebook changes on the "job-killing policies" of Pres. Obama. "If we just lower taxes on billionaires like Mark Zuckerberg, Facebook will magically go back to the way it was."

In addition to changes to Facebook's "newsfeed," and the introduction of the "Tickler"-- a sidebar designed to be exactly as annoying as actually being tickled, Facebook has introduced several other new features, including drunk-face-recognition software, which automatically changes your profile picture to the most embarrassing photo that exists of you on the internet.

Facebook also has partnered with several banks and bathroom scales so users' exact weight and account balances can appear next to their posts. Users can opt out of this function by going into their privacy settings, holding down ctrl+option+tab+shift+Q+M+Z+P+L, and typing the seventeen letter captcha that appears while standing on one foot.

But don't get too comfortable with the new Facebook design. Insiders report that more convenience-enhancing changes are on the way. Facebook programmers are already looking into technology that would would change the "poke" feature into an actual physical poke, and that would replace the "like" button with a sticky substance that irritates your skin.