Friday, January 21, 2011

Michelle Obama Kills Children, Conservative Press Says

New statistics from the Governor's Highway Safety Administration show a 0.4% increase in pedestrian deaths in 2010. The Washington Examiner and the Daily Caller suggest Michelle Obama is to blame for the "sharp" rise. Her "Let's Move" campaign to fight childhood obesity is driving children away from the safety of their couches and into the paths of oncoming cars.

Reality TV star and paragon of parental responsibility, Sarah Palin has long derided the "Let's Move" campaign as a government takeover of the kitchen. It now appears that the First Lady's initiative also may be part of the administration's efforts to execute Americans via death panels.

To combat the dangerous influence of the "Let's Move" campaign, the video game industry is launching a "Never Move At All" campaign, urging children to maintain a permanently fixed position in front of their TVs and game units. "Thanks to the advent of laptops and smart phone technology, there is no longer any reason for children to make the long and dangerous trek between their TVs and their computers," a spokesperson says. "They should just stay put."

McDonald's is doing its part to boost child health and safety by redesigning the Happy Meal as a giant feedbag which parents can fasten to their children's muzzles, preventing them from ever having to get up for a snack. Once emptied, the feedbags then can be applied to the other end of the child until it is refilled and the cycle can be repeated.

The "Never Move At All" campaign is cautioning parents not to give in to the temptation to take their children out on a nice day for a game of catch. "As fun as that might be for a moment," the spokesperson says, "nothing compares to the beautiful glazed eyes, natural pallor, and oily sheen of a healthy, sedentary child."

Thursday, January 20, 2011

House Passes 'Job-Killing' Bill

WASHINGTON, DC- Yesterday, House Republicans voted to repeal health reform with a bill titled "The Repeal the Job-Killing Health Care Law Act." Today, they will vote on repealing financial reform with the "Democrats Hate America Financial Deregulation Bill."

House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) said in a teary-eyed statement that he is confident by the end of the week, the House can turn its attention to the "Barack Obama Is a Poo-Poo Head Commodity Futures Trading Act."

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Palin Condemns AZ Shooter for Leaving 192 Dems Alive

In the wake of today's assassination attempt against Rep. Gabrielle Giffords (D-AZ), Sarah Palin condemned the shooter for leaving 192 House Democrats still alive. "It is an unspeakable tragedy that this disturbed individual left so many Democrats un-shot," the reality TV star said.
Rep. Giffords was on Palin's "target map" (see below). Although nineteen other Democrats were marked with gun-sites on her website, the Arizona shooter failed to fire at any of them. "What do I have to?" Palin asked. "Print their actual addresses?" Palin said that in light of this tragedy, she hopes the nation can set aside political differences and join together in rounding up and executing the rest of the Democrats.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

House Passes 'Return to 1950' Bill

WASHINGTON, DC- On its first day, the new Republican-controlled House of Representatives passed HR 27B-6, a bill which would legally return the nation to 1950.

"This measure accomplishes the entire Republican agenda," said Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH), choking up with emotion. "Not only does it repeal Obamacare, it returns us to a time when our economy is strong, homosexuality is shameful, and most importantly a n*gger can't be president," adding "I can say n*gger, it's 1950."

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) responded, saying "even if the Senate passes this bill, it is unlikely that Pres. Obama will sign it into law." Boehner rebutted by slapping her butt and ordering her to make some coffee.