Kagan Criticized for Not Revealing Something Horrible About Herself

WASHINGTON, DC - Confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan begin today. Republicans already have expressed outrage that in the 46,500 pages of documents Kagan has provided the Senate Judiciary Committee, she has failed to provide any evidence that she is a judicial activist, a socialist, a child molester, or a witch. "It's all very suspicious," says Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-AL). "You have to wonder what she's hiding."

"I'm not saying she's got a basement full of severed human heads," says Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC), "but the fact that she's refused to show any proof that she does is deeply troubling." Republicans warn that if Kagan does not voluntarily proffer reasonable grounds to filibuster her nomination, they will have no choice but to filibuster her nomination.

Hipsters Steal Beards from Hasids

NEW YORK- A crime wave is sweeping through Williamsburg: hipsters stealing beards from Hasidic men. "It wasn't enough they stole our neighborhood, they have to take our beards, too?" laments Moishe Grinfeld, whose beard was ripped off this week.

As many of Brooklyn's hipsters enter their 30s and 40s, they are desperate to still look young and edgy. The most obvious solution is to adopt the look of a conservative 60-year-old. Long, bushy beards have become so de rigeur in the hipster community that the blog, Hipster Whisper has had to run an article on the dangers of beard lice.

Unfortunately, as lengthy beards take a long time to grow-- in some cases longer than the trend is likely to last-- some impatient hipsters have resorted to stealing beards right off the faces of their Hasidic neighbors. The thefts hurt both victim and perpetrator, as the newly bearded hipsters generally end up looking like douchebags.

In response to the crisis, some of the Burg's trendier residents have started a facial hair drive, urging hipsters to donate unwanted handlebar mustaches and steampunk mutton chops to victims of beard theft. But for Grinfeld, there is no substitute for his natural beard. "Until it grows back," he kvetches, "I'm going to look like a real schmeggegie."

Obama Has Fit of Rage, Frowns Slightly

WASHINGTON, DC- An enraged Pres. Obama told Larry King yesterday that he is "furious" over the Gulf Coast oil spill. The normally calm president displayed his uncontrollable anger by pursing his lips slightly and drawing his eyebrows into a subtle frown.

"I've never seen him fly off the handle like that," an aide confided. "If I were [BP CEO] Tony Hayward, I'd be sleeping with one eye open," the aide went on to say, "just in case someone comes by to deliver a very sternly-worded letter."

Robots Fail to Stop Oil Spill

Yesterday's attempt by BP to use robot submarines with diamond saws to stop the oil spill proved unsuccessful. BP executives are now scouring comic-books in search of another solution, preferably involving psychic monkeys with laser swords.

BP CEO Inconvenienced by Spill

With the economy and environment of the Gulf Coast in peril, it's easy to forget the real victim of the oil spill, BP CEO Tony Hayward. Since the well began spewing about 70,000 barrels of oil a day into the ocean, it's been nothing but a headache for BP's long-suffering chief executive. "I'd like my life back," Hayward told reporters on Sunday.

Financially speaking, the oil disaster is no big deal for BP. Federal law limits the company's liability to $75 million, on average less than 3% of BP's annual profits. Senate Democrats are attempting to raise the liability cap, but James Inhofe*, an oil industry advocate who moonlights as a US senator, promises that Republicans will filibuster such attempts.

The real cost for BP is the horrible inconvenience that Hayward is suffering. It now appears that he will be forced to spend his entire summer in Louisiana, a state that no longer has any uncontaminated seafood he can eat or clean beaches he can lie out on. An aide close to the executive describes the effect on Hayward's summer vacation plans as "a tragic disaster."

*Sen. Inhofe (R-OK) has received over $1.2 million in campaign contributions from the oil and gas industry. He is the ranking Republican on the Environment and Public Works Committee.