The National Inquisition

Mitt Romney Likes Firing People

2012-01-10T07:08:00.001-08:00

Latest GOP Front-Runner is You

2012-01-02T05:48:00.000-08:00

DES MOINES- With one day before the Iowa caucuses, the latest candidate to edge ahead of Mitt Romney in the polls is you. Although you have only a little more governing experience than former front-runner Herman Cain, and nearly as tenuous a grasp on reality as former front-runner Michele Bachmann, the Republican base is excited by the fact that you are not a northeastern Mormon semi-billionaire named Mitt.

You are the latest in a string of front-runners that has included Rick Santorum, Ron Paul, Newt Gingrich, Rick Perry, Chris Christie, Donald Trump, Tim Tebow, the fat kid from "Stand by Me," and Mayor McCheese. Your sudden surge confirms the prediction that "in the future everyone will be the Republican front-runner for fifteen minutes," made by the late pop artist Andy Warhol, who was briefly the Republican front-runner in August.

Your popularity may be short-lived however, as the Romney campaign has unleashed a $30 million negative ad campaign alleging that you are out-of-touch with the American people, mentally unstable, and that your personal hygiene is shoddy at best.

Super Committee to Appoint 'Super Duper Committee'

2011-11-20T11:35:00.000-08:00

WASHINGTON, DC- In the event that the twelve member Congressional Super Committee is unable to reach a deficit reduction deal, committee members have proposed a two member "Congressional Super Duper Committee," which would consist of a representative of each party fighting to the death in a cage. Both parties are confident that the Super Duper Committee will achieve real deficit reduction as long as the resulting deal does not include any new taxes or spending cuts.

Cain is Victim of Dem 'Time Machine'

2011-11-09T05:42:00.000-08:00

PHOENIX- Herman Cain's presidential bid was going well until he became the GOP front runner. Then out of nowhere, he suddenly had to settle two sexual harassment suits a decade ago. In a press conference yesterday he claimed that he was the victim of "the Democrat Machine"-- a machine which many analysts now suspect is a time machine.

"It seems like a pretty big coincidence that these allegations didn't exist until last week, when they suddenly had been a matter of public record since 1999," a campaign spokesperson said.

Cain also was alarmed when just days after he warned that China was trying to develop nuclear weapons, the Asian superpower suddenly developed them in 1964.

"We're not the ones making Cain look bad," claimed Democratic National Committee spokesperson, Emmett Brown. "And whether it was last month when he compared his candidacy to a popular ice-cream flavor that suddenly hasn't existed for years, or next month when he trips over the podium at the 103rd Republican debate, there's no 'time machine' involved."

"Of course there's a time machine," said one Republican strategist. "How else could Obama fake his birth announcement in 1961? Or wreck the economy nearly three years before he took office? How else could he have slipped a made-up 'separation of Church and state' into the Constitution?"

Pres. Obama was unavailable to respond to the allegations as he was attending a fundraising gala in 1920.

Cain and Bachmann Have "Crazy-Off" Duel

2011-10-12T04:28:00.000-07:00

HANOVER, NH- In last night's GOP debate, pizza-mogul Herman Cain touted his "9-9-9" tax plan, saying that it had been devised with the help of one of the world's leading economists, some guy who works at a bank in Cleveland. Rep. Michele Bachmann, who recently has slipped behind Cain among mentally unhinged voters, attacked Cain's plan on the grounds that "when you take the 9-9-9 plan and you turn it upside down" it spells "6-6-6."

Accepting Rep. Bachmann's challenge to an all-out crazy-off, Cain reportedly now is developing a new border security plan with the help of a chain-link expert from a Milwaukee Home Depot and a Wichita LoJack salesman.

The Bachmann campaign released a statement that a Cain presidency would be disastrous for the country because the letters from "President Herman Cain" can be re-arranged to spell "I rent penis dancer ham," a phrase that suggests both sexual immorality and the end of American ham ownership.

Pastor Calls Mormonism Crazier than Regular Christianity

2011-10-10T04:29:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON, DC- Pastor Robert Jeffress caused a stir this week when he suggested that voters should choose Gov. Rick Perry over Mitt Romney because Mormonism "is a cult." Jeffress, who believes that two thousand years ago God got a virgin pregnant and became his own son to save mankind from the damnation he himself had prepared for them, thinks Romney's religion is a little bit crazy.

"You do have to admit, Mormonism is pretty weird," said a member of Jeffress' First Baptist Church in Dallas, a group that claims to save parishioners' souls by dunking them in a large tub of water. "Mormons think Jesus told people to eat his flesh and drink his blood, and then he came back from the dead," the baptist said, "so at least that's normal. But when they say God gave golden plates to Joseph Smith, that's just freaky-ville."

Despite the controversy, Jeffress stands by his statement, but says that he will pray for Romney while kneeling in front of an ancient Roman execution device which he believes allows him to talk to God.

Nation Struggles to Come to Terms with New Facebook

2011-09-24T12:21:00.000-07:00

Millions of Facebook users were shocked and saddened this week when the popular social networking site once again suddenly became completely different. Many wandered the streets of Yoville aimlessly, as theologians and politicians looked for meaning in an otherwise senseless disaster.

"Clearly we have angered Facebook with our idolatry," explained the Rev. Myrna Mayhew. "We must set aside the temptations of Google+ and Twitter, and recommit ourselves to the one true newsfeed."

House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) blamed the Facebook changes on the "job-killing policies" of Pres. Obama. "If we just lower taxes on billionaires like Mark Zuckerberg, Facebook will magically go back to the way it was."

In addition to changes to Facebook's "newsfeed," and the introduction of the "Tickler"-- a sidebar designed to be exactly as annoying as actually being tickled, Facebook has introduced several other new features, including drunk-face-recognition software, which automatically changes your profile picture to the most embarrassing photo that exists of you on the internet.

Facebook also has partnered with several banks and bathroom scales so users' exact weight and account balances can appear next to their posts. Users can opt out of this function by going into their privacy settings, holding down ctrl+option+tab+shift+Q+M+Z+P+L, and typing the seventeen letter captcha that appears while standing on one foot.

But don't get too comfortable with the new Facebook design. Insiders report that more convenience-enhancing changes are on the way. Facebook programmers are already looking into technology that would would change the "poke" feature into an actual physical poke, and that would replace the "like" button with a sticky substance that irritates your skin.

Gov. Perry Wants to Get It On With America

2011-08-16T05:30:00.000-07:00

IOWA CITY- Presidential hopeful, Gov. Rick Perry said yesterday that the US deserves a president who is "in love with America." Sources close to the Texas governor say he has had a crush on the United States since his pre-teen years. During junior high, he would spend long hours locked in his room, surrounded by posters of scantily clad purple mountain majesties, or suggestive pictures of amber waves of grain washing a sports car.

Unlike Pres. Obama, who only calls a press conference when he has business to discuss, Gov. Perry promises if elected to frequently call press conferences just to say "I love you," or to ask the nation how its day is going. And he promises to never mention how fat America is getting.

In lieu of a jobs bill or stimulus plan, Perry would frequently surprise the US with flowers or little love notes. And as with the last Texas governor who became president, America should expect to get f*cked good and hard.

Obama Turns 50, Opponents Outraged

2011-08-04T04:39:00.000-07:00

Pres. Obama drew criticism today as he turned fifty. "The fact that he did something this radical and partisan without consulting Congress shows he has no regard for the Constitution," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), who vowed to use Senate procedural rules to block the president from being served his birthday cake.

"We've seen this before," warned presidential hopeful, Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN). "You know who else turned fifty? Adolph Hitler. And that was the year he bombed Pearl Harbor. I'm just saying."

The president had hoped to celebrate his birthday by having a quiet dinner with his wife, but in light of Republican objections he is now offering a compromise in which he will have dinner alone, and a tearful House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) will administer his birthday spankings.

All White Christians Suspected of Terrorism after Norway Attacks

2011-07-23T16:10:00.000-07:00

When news broke of the horrific terror attacks in Norway, many were quick to blame Muslim extremists. The revelation that the suspected culprit is instead a white conservative Christian now has led to a global backlash against white Christians.

"This isn't a racial thing, but let's be real here," said an FBI official. "If you look at the biggest atrocities of the last century… the Oklahoma City bombing, the Olympic Park bombings, the Holocaust, and the massive terror attack that toppled the government of Iraq, it's always the work of some white Christian guy."

Fox News correspondent Juan Williams has admitted that he would be uncomfortable flying with white Christians. Presidential candidate Herman Cain has said that he would bar white Christians from serving in his administration, and that communities should be allowed to ban golf clubs, moose lodges, and other institutions where white Christians are known to congregate. New Mexico now requires state troopers to stop any car displaying a Jesus fish and demand the driver present proof of citizenship.

"This kind of profiling is unfair," says the Rev. Jeremy Cockwright, a white Christian cleric who claims to have no terrorist ties. "Just because a handful of extremists have done things like bomb women's health clinics, burn crosses on lawns, go on random shooting sprees, engage in ritualistic serial killings, operate networks of organized crime, form massive suicide cults, orchestrate elaborate financial manipulations that threaten to bring down the global economy, carry out acts of genocide... I'm sorry, I've forgotten where I was going with this."

Homeland Security is calling on all citizens to be on the lookout for white extremists in their neighborhoods. If you see someone whose skin is lighter than a Whole Foods grocery bag, or anyone carrying a Whole Foods grocery bag, do not hesitate to notify the authorities.

Congressman's Penis Brings Nation Together

2011-06-17T04:58:00.000-07:00

NEW YORK- Rep. Anthony Weiner's sexting scandal has now been front page news longer than the death of Osama bin Laden. Long after the nation has forgotten who bin Laden was or what he did, Americans will forever remember where they were when they first saw the congressman's bulging shorts.

The member of Congress' member has stretched across the aisle, uniting Republicans and Democrats in shared disgust. Having now resigned from offices, Weiner has pledged to continue using penis as a metaphorical or perhaps literal bridge to help people of opposing political views come together in unity.

'May 21 Doomsayers Are Crazy,' Says 2012 Doomsayer

2011-05-17T05:01:00.000-07:00

Followers of the Rev. Harold Camping and his Family Radio Network are preparing for the end of the world on May 21st, a date Camping arrived at using a mathematical formula to derive hidden messages from the Bible.

"What a load of hooey," says Grover Mulch, one of many believers that the world will instead end on December 21st, 2012, as predicted by the Mayan calendar. "Anyone who thinks you can figure out the end of the world from a thousands-of-years-old book is crazy. Clearly you need a thousands-of-years-old stone carving to do that."

Mulch fears the hype around May 21st will get many believers into trouble. "People are quitting their jobs and spending all their savings. What's going to happen when May 21st comes and goes, and they have to support their families for another 19 months?" Mulch has no such financial concerns for himself, having received a large advance payment from black market organ smugglers who expect to harvest his kidneys in 2013. "Suckers!" says Mulch.

Of course there are a few people who don't believe the world will end on either of those days. Melvin Lessor believes the true date of the apocalypse is September 6, 1994, the day Rev. Camping originally predicted. Lessor has been living in an underground bunker for the past sixteen years, repeatedly listening to his Ace of Bass CD and searching AltaVista for confirmation that Fox's Party of Five was in fact the final achievement of human civilization.

Does Fox Wish Obama Dead?

2011-05-04T06:10:00.000-07:00

A National Inquisition Editorial

Detractors of Fox News had a field day on Sunday night when a network affiliate ran the headline "Obama bin Laden Dead." In fairness, correspondents for NBC, CBS, and MSNBC made similar slip-ups. Messing up one crucial letter of a word is easy to do.

Of course Fox has always spelled the Al Qaeda leader's name "Usama." So technically, they screwed up two letters. But it's wrong to act as if messing up one or two letters reveals a hidden sentiment.

Fuk News Chief Roger Asses has worked hard to assemble a pail and balasted team of reposeurs. They set their personal views aside and focus on all that matters when covering the president: pure journalistic ethnics. Not even the conspiracy minded Glenn Dick would look for a deeper meaning behind this mistake.

Of course, at least one Fox anchor mixed up as many as ten letters and announced, "President Obama is in fact dead." Fox owner Rupert Dumbf*cker was quick to explain that it was a simple slip of the tongue.

Winning War on Terror Another Failure for Obama

2011-05-03T07:22:00.001-07:00

Pres. Obama drew criticism from his detractors this week over the strike that killed Osama bin Laden. "The fact that Obama delivered on a promise that Bush was unable to keep," said House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA), "is proof that this president has no ideas of his own."

Former reality TV star, Sarah Palin complained that it was cowardly to send in Navy SEALS. "A real leader would have personally engaged bin Laden in hand-to-hand combat," she said, adding "I'm a martial arts expert myself, you know. I must have watched Kung Fu Panda fifteen times."

Conspiracy theorist, Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (R-MN) found the whole matter suspicious. "Isn't it funny that the president knew exactly where to find bin Laden?" she asked. "Now I'm not suggesting that Obama has been the mastermind behind Al Qaeda all along, but what if Obama has been the mastermind behind Al Qaeda all along?"

Presidential hopeful, Donald Trump also suspected conspiracy. "The whole thing is just a diversion from the fact that Obama is an illegal alien… or possibly a space alien. Have you noticed he and E.T. have never been in a room at the same time?"

The next question becomes whether the White House will release photos of the Al Qaeda leader's body. "Withholding these photos is proof that Obama has more respect for terrorists than for the American people, and it means the terrorists win" said Irwin Kram, Senior Fellow at the Factual American Research Trust (FART). "Unless of course he does release them, in which case he's making a martyr of bin Laden and the terrorists win. Either way, it's a sad day for America."

Rick Astley Fan Gets Tricked into Looking at Outrageous Pics of Miley Cyrus

2011-04-17T11:03:00.000-07:00

A fan of 80's pop artist, Rick Astley was disappointed this weekend while searching on YouTube for the video, Never Gonna Give You Up. "I clicked on a video that promised to be the real thing," explained Dirk Gleason, of Belcourt, North Dakota, "and instead I found Miley Cyrus mooning someone. Why would anybody post that?"

Later, Gleason was sure he had found the actual video. "This is definitely it," he said triumphantly, adding, "Hold on… World of Warcraft cheats? What the f--k?"

The actual, honest-to-God, video for the song that reached #1 on the American, British, and Canadian charts in 1987 appears at this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Gv5n8LUSGs. We promise.

'Poor Tax' Is Deficit Solution

2011-04-14T03:47:00.000-07:00

editorial by Irwin Kram, Senior Fellow at the Factual American Research Trust (FART)

Yesterday, Pres. Obama showed that his deficit plan is just the Democrats' answer to everything: tax the rich. What he doesn't understand is that by taxing the rich you'll discourage people from getting rich in the first place. It's hard work to become a billionaire. Most spend half their lives as struggling millionaires before inheriting the rest from their parents. If you force them to pay an extra 0.0001% of each billion (which is almost as much as the president is asking for), most would-be billionaires are going to check out and say "what's the point?"

Instead of punishing people for being rich, we need a tax incentive that will make them think twice before deciding to be poor. A targeted "Poor Tax" is the only answer. Some would argue that the current GOP budget plan (which proposes cuts to Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security, Head Start, Pell Grants, unemployment, food stamps, housing aid, public schools, and other social services while simultaneously cutting taxes for the wealthiest) already shifts the costs of society onto its poorest members. I say it is not nearly enough.

Let's not forget who's really responsible for the economic downturn. People like to blame the bankers and fat cats, but if so many middle class Americans hadn't gotten so poor so fast, there would be no economic downturn. It's only fitting they should pay their fair share.

Grown-Ups Protest Defunding of NPR

2011-03-18T07:54:00.001-07:00

WASHINGTON, DC- Grown-ups are protesting this week after the House voted to cut all funds for NPR, a move that would leave sensible adults with no source for news.

"This is awful," complains Mike Nivin, a grown-up man with a real job. "The only morning news I'll be left with is Howard Stern, and his entire coverage of the financial crisis consisted of a banker lighting his farts."

Since cable news is unwatchable and local news is mostly anchors flirting uncomfortably and making baffling remarks about sex with animals, NPR is one of the last news sources for reasonable adults.

"What else is there?" asks Marcia Davis, an intelligent woman who could give a f*ck what Charlie Sheen is doing. "I mean, there's The New York Times, but print media's only going to be around for what? Another six weeks max."

The House vote followed the release of a secretly-filmed and heavily re-edited tape showing an NPR executive making disparaging remarks about the Tea Party. "Boy, that little tape sure did a number on us," said senior NPR correspondent Carl Kasell in a secretly recorded statement that was re-edited to say "I diddle little boys."

Without NPR, many serious-minded adults may be reduced to getting their news from sources with little or no journalistic credibility, such as infomercials, fortune cookies, and the National Inquisition.

The Real American History

2011-03-16T04:05:00.000-07:00

by Irwin Kram, Senior Fellow at the Factual American Research Trust (FART)

This week the liberal media jumped all over Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (R-MN) just because she got confused about where the American Revolution started. Like Ms. Bachmann, I homeschool my children, so I am happy to clear up American history.

The "shot heard round the world" was fired

not in New Hampshire, as Ms. Bachmann understandably thought, but in Williamsburg, VA. It was heard round the world because Benjamin Franklin invented the ham radio by tying a ham to a kite in a thunderstorm.

We threw off the shackles of socialism and defeated the British, who at that time were Muslim extremists. Afterwards, James Madison came down from Mt. Rushmore with two stone tablets containing the Constitution, as dictated by God.

All went smoothly until 1929, when FDR founded the Democrat Party. We immediately entered the Great Depression and Nazis tried to take over the world. We defeated the Nazis when a young Ronald Reagan took Hitler down in hand-to-hand combat.

In 1961, Barack Obama was born (allegedly in the US) and things took an immediate turn for the worse: sex, drugs, and a loss of American values.

Pres. George W. Bush succeeded in restoring American honor, kept us safe from terrorist attack, and was so successful at eradicating Iraqi WMDs that not a trace of them were ever found. Then in 2004, Obama was elected to the Senate and the economy begin to tank.

Today, Obama is President and is working to undo all that America has accomplished, taking us back to where we were over two hundred years ago, when dinosaurs ruled the earth. His wasteful "stimulus" package contained money to save the jobs of over 200,000 teachers, who (as I have just demonstrated) we don't even need.

NPR Exec Commits Crime of Independent Thought

2011-03-11T05:51:00.000-08:00

editorial by Irwin Kram, Senior Fellow at the Factual American Research Trust (FART)

This week an NPR executive was secretly filmed expressing his private, personal opinion that Tea Party members are racist. Naturally, NPR's chief executive needed to resign by the end of the week, as holding such an opinion runs counter to the fundamental responsibility of journalism, which is to make the Tea Party look awesome.

Teabaggers are not racists. They are a cross section of America, from a wide variety of Christian faiths, whose skin-color spans every possible shade of white. They are motivated not by bigotry, but a profound love for this country and the understandable desire to lynch a black president.

But this is not about the Tea Party. It's about journalism. It is simply a crime for a member of a news organization to have an independent thought about a story-- unless the story is NPR, such as when Fox News Chief Roger Ailes called NPR executives Nazis. Of course this was not so much an opinion as a statement of fact. We all know there is a very fine line between launching a war for total world domination and issuing a commemorative tote bag.

A true journalist must be a mindless automaton, merely regurgitating the talking points of either side. This is why the Inquisition has replaced most of its human staff with an army of robots. The new News Director is pictured below. I have been assured that he has spinning razor blades for hands not for any nefarious purpose, but just to facilitate the editorial process.

Childhood on Mars Shaped Huckabee's Worldview

2011-03-02T07:09:00.000-08:00

In a radio interview Monday, former Arkansas governor and Fox News host, Mike Huckabee said that Pres. Obama may have developed an anti-western worldview due to his childhood in Kenya. He also implied that the president's American citizenship is questionable.

As every sane member of the Earthling population is aware, the president was born an American citizen, with an American mother, who gave birth to him in America. He spent all but four years of his childhood here, and never even visited Kenya until he was an adult.

Although Huckabee claims to have been born in the US himself, not once has he publicly presented his original birth certificate, leading many to suspect that he was actually born on Mars. Since there are no black people on Mars, it only makes sense that Huckabee would come to regard them with suspicion.

The former baptist preacher may not be alone in his Martian origin. A recent poll shows that 51% of Republicans question the president's citizenship, while Republican legislatures in 11 states have introduced "birther bills" aiming to block Pres. Obama from the 2012 ballot. If the majority of Republicans are actually Martians, then their efforts to accelerate climate change, deprive Earthlings of healthcare, and foster nuclear proliferation can be understood as part of a traditional Martian culture that values the total destruction of the planet Earth.

While Huckabee has yet to confirm that he is running for president, he has promised that all his political intentions will be made clear when we finish translating his new book, To Serve Man.

Supporting American Workers is Un-American

2011-02-22T04:46:00.000-08:00

editorial by Irwin Kram, Senior Fellow at the Factual American Research Trust (FART)

A fight for American values is taking place in Wisconsin. Gov. Scott Walker is valiantly working to dismantle his state's unions while an unruly mob of arugula-latte sipping elitists are trying to stop him. A hundred years ago this was a nation of workers. The economy was so good, there were more children in the workforce than in school. There were just that many jobs! Then the unions ruined everything. As long as unions insist that workers get paid a living wage in actual money, of course the jobs will go to China, where you can buy a day's labor with a bowl of noodles. Those should be American workers getting paid in noodles!

Sure, it would be great to pay all workers a living wage, but the money for that just doesn't exist. Theoretically it could, since in the past twenty years, US GDP has grown at an average 2.6% and the population has only grown at 1.09%. However, you have to factor in CEO pay, which rose nearly 300% over the same period (see chart below). And with good reason! Today's CEO's are technologically superior to the obsolete CEOs of the past. Reducing their compensation or (God forbid!) increasing their taxes are ideas so radical, they cannot even be discussed.

The real solution to balancing our budgets and creating jobs is to return to the values of our founding fathers, who recognized that paying workers at all is un-American. They built this nation by the labor of a vast, unpaid workforce. As long as there was no pay, there were plenty of jobs to go around. Until 1862, African-Americans enjoyed a 100% employment rate. Talk about affirmative action!

Unions threaten America, not necessarily with a redistribution of wealth, but at least with a socialist redistribution of dignity. Unions insidiously demand dignity, not just for those whom God has selected for wealth and power, but dignity for every worker and every American. That is the essence of liberal elitism, and it must be stopped.

House Budget Will Kill Puppies

2011-02-18T07:37:00.000-08:00

WASHINGTON, DC- The House will vote today on a Republican plan of sweeping budget cuts. One of its most controversial provisions will call for the execution of all the nation's puppies. "With a $1.5 trillion deficit," Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) announced, "we simply cannot afford small furry animals that run around and piddle everywhere."

Critics of the measure say that killing puppies will have no effect on the deficit. "If Republicans were serious about the deficit, they could have scaled back the defense budget, which accounts for 20% of deficit spending," a Democratic staffer said. "Or they could have cut the Bush tax cut for the wealthiest Americans, which is going to increase the deficit by nearly 47%."

The staffer went on to say that by killing puppies, killing PBS and NPR (which account for only 0.0003% of the budget), killing food aid for starving foreign children (which accounts for less that 0.053% of the budget), and bragging about killing 200,000 federal jobs, Republicans are not trying to cut the deficit, they are simply trying to be as mean possible, "because as Van Jones put it, they are a**holes."

Aguilera Sings Incorrect Nonsense Anthem Words, Instead of Correct Nonsense Words

2011-02-08T05:19:00.000-08:00

ARLINGTON, TX- Christina Aguilera embarrassed herself this weekend as she attempted to sing the national anthem at the Superbowl. Near the end of the song, the pop diva accidentally sang a nonsensical string of random words, instead of the correct nonsensical string of words that make up the song's actual lyrics.

The line she flubbed was "O'er the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming," which historians believe Francis Scott Key wrote to describe the ram entrails that were scattered following a series of ram-related explosions during the famed Battle of Whatever Battle It Was. Also, there were streamers… which he was watching… with an oar.

Michelle Obama Kills Children, Conservative Press Says

2011-01-21T06:06:00.000-08:00

New statistics from the Governor's Highway Safety Administration show a 0.4% increase in pedestrian deaths in 2010. The Washington Examiner and the Daily Caller suggest Michelle Obama is to blame for the "sharp" rise. Her "Let's Move" campaign to fight childhood obesity is driving children away from the safety of their couches and into the paths of oncoming cars.

Reality TV star and paragon of parental responsibility, Sarah Palin has long derided the "Let's Move" campaign as a government takeover of the kitchen. It now appears that the First Lady's initiative also may be part of the administration's efforts to execute Americans via death panels.

To combat the dangerous influence of the "Let's Move" campaign, the video game industry is launching a "Never Move At All" campaign, urging children to maintain a permanently fixed position in front of their TVs and game units. "Thanks to the advent of laptops and smart phone technology, there is no longer any reason for children to make the long and dangerous trek between their TVs and their computers," a spokesperson says. "They should just stay put."

McDonald's is doing its part to boost child health and safety by redesigning the Happy Meal as a giant feedbag which parents can fasten to their children's muzzles, preventing them from ever having to get up for a snack. Once emptied, the feedbags then can be applied to the other end of the child until it is refilled and the cycle can be repeated.

The "Never Move At All" campaign is cautioning parents not to give in to the temptation to take their children out on a nice day for a game of catch. "As fun as that might be for a moment," the spokesperson says, "nothing compares to the beautiful glazed eyes, natural pallor, and oily sheen of a healthy, sedentary child."

House Passes 'Job-Killing' Bill

2011-01-20T04:29:00.000-08:00

WASHINGTON, DC- Yesterday, House Republicans voted to repeal health reform with a bill titled "The Repeal the Job-Killing Health Care Law Act." Today, they will vote on repealing financial reform with the "Democrats Hate America Financial Deregulation Bill."

House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) said in a teary-eyed statement that he is confident by the end of the week, the House can turn its attention to the "Barack Obama Is a Poo-Poo Head Commodity Futures Trading Act."

Palin Condemns AZ Shooter for Leaving 192 Dems Alive

2011-01-08T16:21:00.000-08:00

In the wake of today's assassination attempt against Rep. Gabrielle Giffords (D-AZ), Sarah Palin condemned the shooter for leaving 192 House Democrats still alive. "It is an unspeakable tragedy that this disturbed individual left so many Democrats un-shot," the reality TV star said.

Rep. Giffords was on Palin's "target map" (see below). Although nineteen other Democrats were marked with gun-sites on her website, the Arizona shooter failed to fire at any of them. "What do I have to?" Palin asked. "Print their actual addresses?" Palin said that in light of this tragedy, she hopes the nation can set aside political differences and join together in rounding up and executing the rest of the Democrats.

House Passes 'Return to 1950' Bill

2011-01-06T09:09:00.001-08:00

WASHINGTON, DC- On its first day, the new Republican-controlled House of Representatives passed HR 27B-6, a bill which would legally return the nation to 1950.

"This measure accomplishes the entire Republican agenda," said Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH), choking up with emotion. "Not only does it repeal Obamacare, it returns us to a time when our economy is strong, homosexuality is shameful, and most importantly a n*gger can't be president," adding "I can say n*gger, it's 1950."

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) responded, saying "even if the Senate passes this bill, it is unlikely that Pres. Obama will sign it into law." Boehner rebutted by slapping her butt and ordering her to make some coffee.

'Spider-Man' Not Cursed, Julie Taymor Claims

2010-12-24T08:40:00.000-08:00

NEW YORK- After this week's accident, in which an actor fell thirty feet into the orchestra pit, becoming the forth cast-member to suffer serious injury, rumors are circulating that the Spider-Man musical is under an actual black magic curse.

"That's ridiculous," says visionary director Julie Taymor, while spraying a fire-extinguisher on a cast member who has spontaneously burst into flames. "I don't believe in curses, or even bad luck." Nevertheless, the show which has been repeatedly delayed, gone bankrupt once, and whose original producer died of a stroke while signing a contract with The Edge, does seem to have suffered more than its share of ill-fortune.

"Even if there were such a thing as 'bad luck,' there's no reason why it should happen to this show more than any other," Taymor says while rehearsing a scene in which hundreds of live black cats are released into the paths of her cast members.

Critics suggest that the show has suffered from Taymor's insistence on loading it with unnecessarily complicated stunts that don't even have anything to do with the story, such as one scene in which Spidey dives under a dozen ladders so he can smash a hall of mirrors and knock over a fifty-gallon drum of salt while screaming "Macbeth."

Taymor however, refuses to scale back her vision. "Sure, we could have made things simpler to save trouble and money," she says. "We didn't have to build the villain's armor out of gold stolen from an Egyptian tomb. We could have skimped on the set by not building it entirely from bones dug up from an Indian burial ground, but it's that attention to detail that makes this show special.

Taymor does admit that the decision to bury the severed hand of a gypsy under every seat in the theatre might have been a little over the top.

GOP Partners with Al Qaeda to Kill New Yorkers

2010-12-21T02:52:00.000-08:00

WASHINGTON, DC- Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) this week announced that Republicans have reached a bipartisan deal with Al Qaeda to kill off those New Yorkers the terrorist group failed to kill on 9/11. As part of this deal, Senate Republicans are filibustering the Zadroga Bill, which would provide health care for 9/11 first responders, thereby condemning the men and women who stood up for their country during the attack to die slow painful deaths from diseases caused by inhalation of 9/11 debris.

"For too long, we thought Al Qaeda wanted to destroy America," McConnell explains, "but it turns out they only want to destroy those parts that contribute positively to the nation's culture and economy, which is to say the blue states." McConnell adds that as long as red states remain dominated by ignorant, shiftless, inbred, slack-jawed yokels with no positive social or mental attributes, they are in no danger from Islamic extremists.

"It's time for Republicans and terrorists to set aside our petty differences," McConnell explains, "and focus on what we have it common: a single-minded zeal to destroy our enemies at all costs." While the Kentucky senator admits that he has certain doctrinal differences with Al Qaeda, he says "any right-wing fundamentalist group that hates gays, Jews, liberals, and women's rights can't be all bad, right?"

Post DADT, Soldiers May Be Too Fit, Organized

2010-12-19T06:32:00.000-08:00

After yesterday's historic repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell, military strategists are worried that the US Armed Forces may be overrun by fit, muscular, organized men, and strong, tough women who know how to get things done. "If science-fiction teaches us anything," warns Gen. Orson Dreedle, "it's that creating an army of superhumans always ends badly, and I've watched enough Bravo to know that's what gay people are."

A spokesperson for the Human Rights Campaign responded by reassuring the public that the media portrayal of gay people as physically fit, culturally superior beings with lots of money is just a stereotype, and that many homosexuals are just as sloppy, weak, and poor as straight people. "The danger that they will become a master-race of super-soldiers," the spokesperson said, "is largely exaggerated."

Although gay rights advocates claim that allowing homosexuals to serve in the military will not change the character of the armed forces, Pentagon officials are already debating replacing the military's traditional drab uniforms with something more colorful and gay-friendly. A prototype of the new design appears below.

WikiLeaks Reveals Location of Lost Keys

2010-12-17T07:28:00.000-08:00

The latest document released by WikiLeaks reveals the location of your missing keys. They're in your pocket. While experts say this information will not jeopardize your personal security, it may prove embarrassing, and could damage diplomatic relations with your wife, who just spent the last hour helping you look for them.

Other 2 Guys from U2 Make 'Ant-Man' Musical

2010-12-12T06:39:00.000-08:00

Ever since U2 hit the charts over twenty years ago, frontman Bono, and guitarist The Edge have been household names. But the band also has two other members. They recently talked with the Inquisition about their upcoming Broadway musical about the widely disregarded Marvel superhero, Ant-Man.

INQ: So you guys are really in U2?

THE BLOND GUY: Yes.

INQ: That's so cool. Have you met Bono?

THAT OTHER GUY: Yes. We're in the band together.

INQ: That's awesome. Do you ever get to go on tour with him and The Edge?

THE BLOND GUY: We are half of U2. The band is the four of us.

INQ: I bet girls are really impressed that you know Bono.

THAT OTHER GUY: Or that we're in the band.

INQ: So you're making a rock musical about Ant-Man?

THE BLOND GUY: Yes. He's one of Marvel's greatest superheroes. He has the strength of an ant.

THAT OTHER GUY: He can carry a crumb clean across the room.

THE BLOND GUY: And he can talk to ants.

INQ: What do they say?

THE BLOND GUY: Well, not much really. They're just ants.

THAT OTHER GUY: So in the musical, all the world's supervillains have teamed up, and Ant-Man has to stop them.

INQ: From taking over the world?

THE BLOND GUY: From having a picnic. The director is a true visionary. Have you seen the Lion King?

INQ: Yes.

THE BLOND GUY: Well, he directed the show across the street from it.

INQ: So what else are you working on?

THAT OTHER GUY: We're working on something with Charlie Watts and Ronnie Wood.

INQ: Who?

THE BLOND GUY: The other two guys in the Rolling Stones.

INQ: So just one more question, can you introduce me to Bono?

THAT OTHER GUY: No.

Pres. Obama Gives Away the Farm

2010-12-08T04:12:00.000-08:00

WASHINGTON, DC- Pres. Obama once again amazed the nation this week with his masterful negotiating skills. Faced with a Republican Senate minority that threatened to filibuster his entire agenda unless every millionaire in the country was given roughly $100,000 a year in tax cuts, he carefully crafted a deal in which the millionaires would get all of the money they wanted, and the president would get only most of his agenda filibustered.

To sweeten the deal, the president also gave away the farm. "I wasn't happy to see the farm go," Pres. Obama says, "but when you're bargaining, you have to give something up."

The art of the bargain was something Pres. Obama first learned as a child at Hawaii's famed Aloha Stadium Swap Meet. "Someone was selling a watch for $50. I wanted it for $25," the president recalls. "In the end, I gave him $40, and he kept the watch, so neither of us got exactly what we wanted, but it was a successful compromise."

As the future president grew, he found himself negotiating bigger and bigger deals, first trading his entire comic book collection for a half eaten peanut butter sandwich, later a vintage Mustang for a rusty bicycle, and once a cow for three magic beans.

In his days as a Chicago community organizer, the young Obama once defused a potentially explosive standoff between police and hostage-taking bank robbers. He brokered a compromise in which the police handed their weapons over to the bank robbers and provided them with additional hostages in exchange for the assurance that they would not be harmed. Once again, neither side got everything they wanted. The bank robbers had demanded a Learjet, but Obama instead bought them first class plane tickets to South America, which he paid for by selling his house for over $700.

Although congressional Republicans have vowed not to compromise on anything, the president is confident that even with the farm gone, he can still appease them with enough give-aways to accomplish at least some of his remaining goals. If necessary, White House insiders say, he is even willing to give up his magic beans.

Red States, We Need to Talk

2010-12-02T09:30:00.000-08:00

an editorial by the Blue States

It's time we face it. This isn't working out. All we ever do is argue, and it's just getting worse. It's time we finally went our separate ways.

I realized it was over between us this week, when you continued to filibuster the 9/11 health bill, which would pay for medical care for sick 9/11 first responders. Do you remember 9/11? There was that brief moment when it brought us closer together. You still talk about 9/11 all the time, but you know what? It didn't happen to you. It happened to me. And now you're just punishing me over it.

I remember when we first met. We were both still in an abusive relationship with England and we used to stay up all night talking about freedom. It was hot. I was a little skeeved out by the fact that you owned slaves, but I thought I could change you.

But the fact is, we want different things. I want universal single-payer health care and sweeping energy reform. You want to privatize social security and ban abortion. As long as we're together, neither of us is going to have our needs met.

So what are we staying together for? The sake of the children? 22% of our children live in poverty, and you won't let me do anything about because you say we can't afford to. And maybe we can't afford to feed the kids, but that's only because of your gambling debts.

Now with any break up, there's bound to be some quarreling over who gets what. I know you're going to want all the nukes, and while I don't really want them, I don't want you to have them because you get in fights a lot, especially when you've been drinking. But somehow we'll work it out.

We've had a good run. 234 years is longer than a lot of countries stay together. And once we're not fighting all the time, we can look back fondly on all the great things we did together. We'll always have liberating Paris.

What to Do with Pesky Holiday Leftovers (video)

2010-11-29T10:40:00.000-08:00

What to Do With Pesky Holiday Leftovers - watch more funny videos

TSA Seeks Experienced Fondlers to Assist in Groping Travelers

2010-11-22T06:51:00.000-08:00

With stringent new security measures going into effect just as the busiest travel season kicks off, the TSA is looking for additional hands to pat, squeeze, and clutch holiday travelers. The agency has placed ads on Craigslist, the nation's most comprehensive database of experienced gropers and mashers. To find truly skilled ticklers, graspers, and fingerbangers, the TSA is also calling for assistance from massage parlor workers, priests, and your strange Uncle Phil.

Nazi Offended by NPR Comparison

2010-11-20T05:38:00.001-08:00

In an interview this week, Fox News Chief Roger Ailes described NPR executives as left wing Nazis. The comment enraged many surviving Nazis who see little similarity between the fascist regime that occupied most of Europe and killed 6 million Jews, and the radio network that brings you All Things Considered.

"How many countries has NPR invaded?" asks Heinrich Gutter, who joined the Nazi party during its 1933 Nuremberg Pledge Drive. "Not one."

Gutter became part of Joseph Goebbels' Ministry of Propaganda, where he produced Klik und Klak, a regular radio transmission about the superiority of German automotive engineering. He later went on to work on several other Nazi broadcasts, including This Aryan Life, and Wait, Wait Don't Shoot Me.

NPR's biggest failure, Gutter says, is in the field of his speciality. "To be a true propaganda disseminator," he says, "a news outlet must be a direct mouthpiece for the party. Every news story must advance the party's ideology. Their paid correspondents should be prominent party members and candidates. And the head of the propaganda ministry must viciously attack anyone who criticizes the party, preferably by calling them Nazis."

Gutter hopes that Ailes will fully retract his comment, as he wants to be in no way associated with public radio. "If I thought the Third Reich was anything like those public radio weaklings," he says, "I would throw out my Nazi tote bag right now."

Obama Caves on Tax Cuts, Launches Nationwide Search for His Balls

2010-11-11T15:33:00.000-08:00

WASHINGTON, DC- Senate Republicans have been filibustering to block tax cuts for middle-class Americans unless the wealthiest 1% of Americans can also get tax cuts. Although the Republican plan to give an extra $100,000 to every millionaire in the country will increase the deficit by $700 billion, the White House is indicating that it is willing to accept it.

In an unrelated story, the president admitted this week that he has lost his balls. In the months leading up to his election, then Sen. Obama used to play basketball boldly, with large, strong balls that seemed destined to accompany him to the White House. It now appears that those balls were lost in the move. The president is calling on anyone who finds a sack of big, orangey-brown balls to please send them immediately to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

Are Oreos a Better Leader than Michele Bachmann?

2010-11-09T05:20:00.000-08:00

Rep. Michele Bachmann is vying for the role of GOP Conference Chair, the #4 leadership position in the House of Representatives. The Minnesota congresswoman first launched herself into the national spotlight by demanding that Democrats be investigated for "anti-American views," and by claiming that Pres. Obama plans to force the nation's children into "re-education camps."

In a Fox News interview on Monday, Bachmann cited as one of her key qualifications the fact that she has over 140,000 Facebook friends. She went on to suggest that having at least 100,000 Facebook friends should be a prerequisite for party leadership.

Following Bachmann's statement, Oreos have come forward to challenge her for the chair. Although Oreos are neither an elected member of Congress, nor an actual person, they appear to be nearly 100 times as qualified as Bachmann, with over 13 million friends.

The House Majority Whip is now expected to be Dr. House, a fictional character who has a few hundred thousand more friends than Oreos, and who may actually increase the civility and good manners of Congress. Vin Diesel is looking to be the House Majority Leader. With nearly 18 million friends, he is one of the most liked people on all of Facebook. Really.

The obvious choice for Speaker of the House is Michael Jackson. With over 23 million friends, he is the most popular human in Facebook history. Although technically dead, he has a healthier skin tone than previously presumed Speaker, Rep. John Boehner (R-OH). Jackson's new album comes out next month.

Negative Ads for Everyday Goods (video)

2010-11-08T13:40:00.001-08:00

The midterm elections set a record for spending on negative ads, with most of the money coming from anonymous outside sources. Although many of the ads proved to be false or misleading, they were largely successful. With the elections over, the political ad-makers are now turning their talents to ads for ordinary projects. See below.

Negative Ads for Everyday Goods - watch more funny videos

Jen Houston & Joe Smith contributed to this report.

Obama India Trip Will Cost $100 Gazillion a Day

2010-11-05T16:03:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON, DC- Fox News ignited a firestorm this week when it reported that Pres. Obama's upcoming India trip will cost taxpayers more than $200 million a day. Although that number is completely made up, it raises serious doubts about the president's competence.

Even more alarming is a report from the Factual American Research Trust (FART) which suggests Fox's made-up number may be too low. The FART estimates the true cost of the trip to be over $100 gazillion a day.

The FART report also contradicts Rep. Michele Bachmann's claim that the White House has reserved 870 luxury rooms in the Taj Mahal hotel. Although the hotel has under 600 rooms, the president's actual reservation appears to be for a million-bazillion rooms.

The single biggest cost of the trip may be the president's security detail, which will include the entire US Navy, the Spanish Armada, and the Millennium Falcon. All totaled, the trip will cost over infinity-squillion dollars. Since this is more than the combined wealth of the entire planet, critics suggest this routine diplomatic visit may be part of a vast, liberal conspiracy to bankrupt the solar system.

Film Reveals Hazards of Texting While Dating (video)

2010-11-05T09:54:00.000-07:00

Tea Party Candidate Wins Foursquare Mayor's Race

2010-11-03T10:51:00.001-07:00

NEW YORK- In another humiliating defeat for Democrats, the Tea Party-backed Laura L. unseated incumbent Mark P. as the "mayor" of Pronto Pizza on Foursquare, the popular social-networking app.

"The patrons of Pronto Pizza have spoken," Laura announced in her victory statement, as she promised to "reverse the radical agenda of Mark P."

In his concession speech, Mark denied that this was a referendum on his leadership. "Laura L. didn't get elected," he argued. "She just checked in more than I did. That's how Foursquare works."

Laura's mayoral bid was the costliest in Foursquare history, with anonymous sources spending over $7 million on campaign ads. "I don't know why they ran ads," Mark said. "I really don't think they understand what Foursquare is."

Laura has promised to "run Pronto Pizza like a business," and to issue an executive order requiring Mark to return all the pizza he has purchased over the last two years.

Christine O'Donnell Still Not a Witch

2010-10-28T06:51:00.001-07:00

DOVER, DE- Christine O'Donnell's "I Am Not a Witch Ad" appears to be paying off. A new poll shows that only one in five Delaware voters believe the teaparty-backed Senate candidate is a practitioner of the black arts who has covenanted herself to Satan in an ancient unholy ritual.

Meanwhile, O'Donnell's opponent, Chris Coons is suffering from falling poll numbers, due largely to his unpopular move of recently turning into a frog.

Vampires Are Not Sexy (video)

2010-10-25T20:42:00.000-07:00

US Constitution is Unconstitutional!

2010-10-21T10:34:00.000-07:00

Editorial by Irwin Kram

Senior Fellow at the Factual American Research Trust (FART)

At teabagging rallies across the country, the battle cry is always about protecting the Constitution. That's why the liberal media was thrilled to jump all over Senate candidate and self-proclaimed constitutional scholar, Christine O'Donnell when she revealed that she does not know or believe that the First Amendment establishes the separation of church and state.

Likewise, liberals have demonized another tea party Senate candidate, Joe Miller of Alaska. Miller, who has built his campaign on the message that Democrats are taking away our freedoms, supposedly violated the First Amendment's freedom of the press and the Fourth Amendment's freedom from unlawful search and seizure by having a reporter forcibly removed, handcuffed, and detained for asking questions at a campaign event in a public school.

What liberals don't get is that the First Amendment and the Fourth Amendment are themselves unconstitutional! So is the Seventh Amendment, which requires a trial by jury even for terrorists. It's the very freedoms in the Bill of Rights that are the biggest threat to our freedom.

You see, the Constitution isn't a document. It's a gut feeling. No one can define what the Constitution is, but real patriots know it when they see it-- just like pornography-- which of course brings us to Sarah Palin.

Citizen Sarah is touring the nation with the Tea Party Express this week, railing against Obama's big taxes. Now the Democrats will tell you that Obama didn't raise taxes. Technically, he cut taxes for 95% of Americans. But in your gut, doesn't it feel like he raised them? Don't be fooled by the specific numbers on your paycheck, and how they're bigger numbers than they were before. Instead, go with your gut-- which brings me to my final point.

Not only should you trust your gut, but on Nov. 2 you should just sit on the couch and pat your gut. If you want Tea Party candidates to take over Congress and protect our Constitution by protecting us from the Constitution, the best thing you can do is not vote. In Nevada, we're even running ads telling people not to vote. As long as enough people stay home, we've got this one covered. And there is so much good TV on Tuesday nights. If there are long lines at the polls you could miss Glee. In these uncertain times, that's a risk you cannot afford to take. Just stay home and get some rest. It's better for your constitution.

Campaign Finance Gets Outsourced

2010-10-15T05:05:00.000-07:00

The 2010 midterm election is on track to become the most expensive election in US history, with nearly $200 million of campaign ads. Roughly 38% is being spent by the US Chamber of Commerce on ads attacking Democrats.

This week the Center for American Progress released a list of 80 foreign companies who have contributed a total of $885,000 to the Chamber, mostly from India and the Kingdom of Bahrain. Like so many of America's other jobs, it appears that campaign financing is getting outsourced.

Traditional campaign financiers are worried. Arlo Pert and his family have been in the political contribution business since his grandfather gave a dollar to Harry Truman in 1948. Now he's afraid he just can't compete. "Those Indian campaign financiers use child labor," Pert complains. "You know how much easier it is to stuff cash in someone's pocket with those tiny fingers?"

There are also concerns that foreign-funded ads may not be subject to the same quality control as American-bought ads. The Washington Post reported this week that many of the Chamber's ads have been recalled because they contained information that was simply false.

Not all of the Chamber's funding comes from India and Bahrain, of course. The Chamber has received $1 million from Fox News owner, Rupert Murdoch, who comes from Australia. This week the Chamber also received a $10,000 pledge from Glenn Beck, who is widely believed to be from the Moon.

US Economy Suffers Multiple Stab Wounds (video)

2010-10-11T08:48:00.000-07:00

A live-action political cartoon, featuring Pat Dwyer, Jen Houston, and Allan Piper. Camera by Stephen Mosher.

Pundits Agree, God is Terrible Campaign Manager

2010-09-30T07:18:00.000-07:00

In an interview this week, Delaware teabagger, Christine O'Donnell said God is guiding her Senate campaign.

This statement came on the heels of revelations that O'Donnell lied about where she went to college, is under investigation for tax evasion, and previously has vowed to stop Americans from having sex. In light of so much bad press, pundits agree that God is badly mismanaging her campaign.

It may be that God is taking on too much, as He also is managing the Senate campaign of Nevada's Sharron Angle. Since declaring that God was behind her, Angle has drawn fire for advocating the abolishment of the Department of Education, appearing to deny the existence of autism, and seeming to call for the assassination of her opponent.

These are not the first instances of God proving an ineffectual campaign manager. Sarah Palin has credited God as running her failed 2008 vice-presidential bid. He was also behind Pat Robertson's botched presidential run in 1988 and Jesus' 33 AD bid to become King of the Jews— a campaign run so badly that the candidate not only lost the election, but was nailed to a piece of wood.

Most pundits believe O'Donnell and Angle would do better to put their campaigns in the hands of a savvier manager, such as the Devil. However, Karl Rove claims he is retired from managing campaigns and is focusing all his energy on promoting his book.

Stop the Government Takeover of Congress!

2010-09-22T06:55:00.001-07:00

Editorial by Irwin Kram

Senior Fellow at the Factual American Research Trust (FART)

Today, House Republicans announced a "Pledge to America," promising to protect us from "an out-of-touch government of self-appointed elites." While technically speaking, these elites were appointed by a majority of the US electorate, they pose a dire threat to our Constitutional liberties. Free elections only work if when the wrong people get elected, they aren't allowed to govern. But Democrats refuse to admit that the voters were wrong, and have insisted on trying to govern anyway.

The Left has become so radical, it believes it's the government's job to make, interpret, and enforce the law. Well we the people have had enough, which is why more than 67,000 of us have joined the teabagging movement. That's nearly 0.02% of the US population, and roughly 97% of political news coverage!

But despite the appeal of ex-witch, anti-masturbation activists, voters don't need to abandon traditional Republicans to protect their freedoms. Senate Republicans have not gotten enough credit for their heroic use of the filibuster. In the three years since Democrats took control of the Senate, Republicans have mounted more filibusters than in all the years of the previous decade combined. They have protected the federal courts from being taken over by federally appointed judges, blocking a record 57% of Pres. Obama's judicial nominees, and have successfully stopped over 420 bills!

With the filibuster now a default position, Republicans need only 41 votes to defeat the 59 Democrats. This week's attempted repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell lost with 56 votes for and only 43 against. That's not just a revolution in politics, it's a revolution in math! But of course the liberal media doesn't celebrate this as historically unprecedented. They just treat it as politics as usual.

In the past three months alone, Republican senators have filibustered tax cuts, jobs bills, unemployment, even FAA safety regulations (because if the founding fathers had wanted government to regulate air travel, they would have specifically said so). Congressional Republicans understand that the Constitution limits the role of government to regulating who can marry whom and where people can worship, and they're determined to make sure it does nothing else. Anything beyond that would be un-American.

Not to Be Outdone, Church Plans to Burn Muslims

2010-09-10T03:56:00.000-07:00

GAINSEVILLE, FL- Impressed by the media attention Pastor Terry Jones has received for his planned "International Burn a Koran Day," rival Florida Pastor Graham Chapman is upping the ante by sponsoring an "International Burn a Muslim Day."

Chapman is calling on all God-fearing Americans to round up the Muslims in their communities and burn them on the lawn of the Prince of Peace Church tomorrow in the spirit of fellowship. "If you can't bring a Muslim," Pastor Chapman asks, "maybe you can bring some drinks… or ice."

Chapman comes from a long line of burners. His father used to burn crosses on lawns, and his great great grandfather used to burn witches.

The announcement of Chapman's plan came this week as the pastor returned from the Burning Man festival in Nevada, an event whose name he complains is "grossly misleading."

Jehovah's Witnesses Annoyed by Pushy Atheists

2010-09-07T07:13:00.000-07:00

The latest edition of the Jehovah's Witness magazine, Awake complains of what it calls "new atheism." The periodical warns that atheists are no longer content to keep their disbelief to themselves. Instead, they are "on a crusade... passionately trying to persuade the religious to their point of view."

"Those atheists keep showing up at my door, usually at dinner time," complains Norman Tent, a Jehovah's Witness in Brooklyn. "They act like their way is the only way. How can anyone be so arrogant?"

Devin Millstrum is one of these New Atheists. "I don't mean to be pushy," he explains, "but I can't just sit back and watch people condemned to suffer for what seems like eternity every weekend in church, even on perfectly nice days."

Millstrum describes his door-to-door mission as a calling from Jesus, his landscaper. "One day he said to me, 'Mr. Millstrum, you're so laid back and rational. You should share your philosophy.'"

Since then, Millstrum's been spreading his message everywhere he can. "I like canvassing Manhattan," he says. "I can honestly promise people when they die, they'll go to a better place: a hole in the ground slightly larger and cleaner than their current apartment, with no walk up."

Not everyone is receptive, but Millstrum doesn't get discouraged. "When the time comes that I'm called home, by my wife, and I go to meet my Maker's Mark on the rocks, I can rest knowing I have done my best to spread the word."

Urban Legend Reveals God is Pissy, Insecure A--hole

2010-09-05T15:48:00.000-07:00

A note titled "Love vs. Sex" has been circulating on Facebook as a viral posting. The note recounts the urban legend of two teenage girls who walk home alone separately, late one night. The girl who prays to God gets home safely, while the girl who doesn't gets raped. The posting explains that "if you stand up for God, he will stand up for you." And apparently if you don't, He will make sure you get raped in an alley.

Sources close to God explain that although the Deity is the Almighty Creator of Heaven and Earth, He is extremely insecure and gets His feelings hurt when teenage girls don't talk to him. "Sometimes he'll go sulk in his room for days, listening to Creed," an anonymous archangel confides. "Other times he'll go on a real smite binge."

The title, "Love vs. Sex," combined with the note's theme of sexual assault, underscores God's belief that sex is scary and wrong. Although God invented sex, He gets angry when anyone actually engages in it. According to insiders, this also stems from the Lord's insecurity. "He's convinced everyone is getting laid more than He is and it drives Him crazy," one saint explains. "And you wouldn't believe how much he's spent on male enhancement products over the millennia."

As for the girl whom God protected on the dark night in the alley, she complains that since that night, the Almighty has been "excessively clingy." "He keeps asking me to post on Facebook about how great He is for not letting me get raped, and then ask all my friends to repost it to their friends," she says. "It's a little much." While she is grateful that praying to God protected her from sexual assault that night, in the future she plans on just carrying mace.

GOP Leader Claims He's Not Satanist

2010-08-24T03:31:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON, DC- A recent poll shows that 18% of Americans, and nearly half of all Republicans believe that Pres. Obama is a Muslim. Given the opportunity to dispel this rumor on behalf of his party on Sunday's Meet the Press, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) said only that "the president says he's a Christian. I take him at his word," seeming to imply that there is still room for doubt.

McConnell's ambiguous wording echoed the Rev. Franklin Graham's Friday statement about whether the president has accepted Christianity: "That's what he says he has done. I cannot say that he hasn't."

When the Inquisition attempted to follow-up with the senator on rumors that he himself is a Satanist, the Kentucky Republican was able to offer no evidence other than his own word that he does not worship The Beast. Like most Satanists, McConnell is a white male, who has never once claimed not to have offered the blood of a child to the Dark Lord upon a profane altar.

The Rev. Graham refused to comment on McConnell's faith. Graham is the son of famed preacher Billy Graham, and says he is not a worshipper of the Hindu monkey god, Hanuman.

Although flinging feces like a monkey and mating with actual monkeys are not traditional Hanumanian practices, we have only Graham's word that he has not performed such acts anyway. Rev. Graham also says he's not gay.

Given the cloud of doubt cast on all three men's faith, the American Values Institute is calling on Graham, McConnell, and Obama to provide irrefutable evidence of their Christianity. Acceptable proof includes such acts as turning water into wine, resurrecting from death, or having sex with an altar boy.

Ground Zero Mosque Franchise Comes to Kansas

2010-08-17T17:21:00.000-07:00

MANHATTAN, KS- Kansas residents are up in arms over a controversial plan to build a Ground Zero Mosque in lower Manhattan, Kansas, only 1,300 miles from where the Twin Towers once stood. "It's insensitive to build this on the very ground where we were attacked," says Kansas Tea Party member, Mabel Portis, referring to the ground that constitutes the middle latitudes of the United States.

Like the contested Islamic cultural center planned on "hallowed ground" in New York, Kansas' Ground Zero Mosque is not actually at ground zero. Nor would it technically be a mosque. Strictly speaking, it would be a convenience store, owned by Mohammed Ayud, a Muslim Kansan so radical as to share the same first name as one of the 9/11 hijackers.

Opponents of Ayud's plans are quick to point out that they are not attempting to suppress his constitutionally protected freedom of religion. "Nobody is saying he shouldn't have the right to build this," Portis clarifies. "We're just saying he shouldn't be allowed to."

Professional Twitterer, Sarah Palin has jumped into the fray, calling on "both Muslims and Americans to refudiate Kansas' Ground Zero Mosque, as well as the buildification of any similar structurements anywhere else."

Senate Candidate Accuses Dems of 'Idolatry'

2010-08-08T07:47:00.000-07:00

LAS VEGAS- This week, Las Vegas Sun reporter Jon Ralston uncovered a radio interview with Sharron Angle, in which the Republican Senate candidate claimed that Pres. Obama's policies violate the Bible's First Commandment, and have changed America into "a country entrenched in idolatry."

Standing before a graven image of an American eagle, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs denied that the Obama administration is pushing an idolatrous agenda, explaining that the hill shrines currently under construction in honor of the goddess Ashtaroth are merely part of the president's plan to create jobs.

Angle is running against Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) on a platform of eliminating the Department of Education, reinstating the prohibition of alcohol, banning abortion and same-sex marriage, and withdrawing from the United Nations. If elected, she promises to uphold those parts of the Constitution that don't conflict with American values, and will stand firmly against the president's most recent stimulus proposal, which would require the Federal Reserve to fashion its gold into the likeness of a calf, unto which sacrificial offerings may be made.

For more on making the Bible the supreme law of the land, see the Inquisition article "US Law Should be Based on Bible, or Other Large Book"

GOP Defends Democracy from Voter Takeover

2010-07-28T03:28:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON, DC- Republican senators used the filibuster yesterday to protect America from the DISCLOSE Act, a law which would have required political ads to display what organization paid for them, and would have barred foreign companies from buying campaign ads in the US. With only 57 Democrats supporting the bill, it was defeated by a substantial majority of 41 Republicans.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell attacked the measure, calling it part of a vast Democrat conspiracy to shift electoral power into the hands of voters. "It would be un-American to stop companies like BP, Toyota, or Al Queda from surreptitiously bankrolling a campaign," the Kentucky senator argued. "If we take away the right of a foreign power to secretly influence an American election, what rights will be left?"

AZ Senator Stands Up for Suffering Billionaires

2010-07-14T07:11:00.001-07:00

WASHINGTON, DC- Senate Minority Whip Jon Kyl (R-AZ) has drawn criticism for blocking the extension of unemployment benefits. As one of the leaders of a Republican filibuster, Kyl has ensured that 3.2 million Americans who lost their jobs in this recession will be cut off from benefits by the end of the month. Kyl argues that at a time of record deficit, America cannot afford an extra $35 billion for a program that he believes discourages people from looking for work.

This week, Kyl showed that despite his fiscal austerity, he is not without compassion. The Arizona senator appeared on Fox News Sunday to defend the extension of the Bush tax cut for the wealthiest Americans, at a cost of $678 billion-- a number many economists believe to be larger than $35 billion.

Percy Whetherby, of the Billionaires of America Relief Fund (BARF) praises Kyl's priorities. "Middle class Americans don't understand how much billionaires suffer during a recession," he explains. "An over-leveraged billionaire may have to sell off a football team, or a European castle," adding, "the average American never has to sell off anything bigger than an engagement ring, or a kidney."

A spokesperson for the senator describes Kyl's position as a matter of simple decency: "No billionaire should have to choose between putting food on the table that once belonged to Louis XIV, and putting the food in a diamond encrusted display case to be dangled teasingly over the heads of hungry peasants via helicopter."

LeBron James Announces Weekend Plans on TV Special

2010-07-10T12:41:00.001-07:00

MIAMI- Days of speculation came to an end last night, as NBA star LeBron James held a one hour press conference to announce what he's doing this weekend. The self-proclaimed "King James" had been courted by numerous social events, including a wedding, a dinner party, and helping a friend move. Last night, on a special ESPN presentation, a children's choir heralded his entrance as James came forth to declare that he will be "partying with friends" on Saturday and "mostly taking it easy" on Sunday.

The announcement came as a grave disappointment to Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert, who had invited James to hear his daughter's piano recital. In an open letter scribbled in crayon on the back of a Wendy's placemat, Gilbert called James' decision "'a' 'cowardly' 'betrayal,'" and swore that the two-time MVP has invoked a curse that will keep him from ever having a good weekend again. He also permanently barred James from his treehouse fort and said that he hopes he gets cooties.

The competition is already on to secure James' companionship for next weekend. New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg has reportedly engaged a major ad firm to persuade James to come to his barbecue. James has yet to comment on whether he will attend.

Dems Break Filibuster to Confirm Poet Laureate

2010-07-05T04:17:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON, DC - WS Merwin was confirmed as Poet Laureate last week, despite fierce opposition from Republicans over his "un-American" syntax and his "divisively partisan" use of irregular meter. "This appointment proves how recklessly out of touch this administration is with mainstream America," says Sen. John McCain (R-AZ), who in 2008 made the appointment of Merwin a key component of his own poetry platform.

White House sources report that 120 posts remain vacant in the Obama administration due to Republican filibusters. Following the successful confirmation of Merwin however, they are optimistic that the president may have a full administration in place by the end of the decade.

Opponents of the Merwin hold a darker view, fearing that the appointment of the 82-year-old poet to such a key government position may bring about the end of democracy itself. "Merwin's written nearly thirty books," says former Alaskan governor and celebrated poet in her own right, Sarah Palin, "Adolph Hitler wrote only one. The fact that Obama knowingly picked someone thirty times worse than Hitler for this job sends a very troubling message about our freedoms."

'Last Airbender' Reveals Mathematical Formula for Crap

2010-07-02T04:15:00.000-07:00

LOS ANGELES- With this week's release of The Last Airbender, director M. Night Shyamalan has confirmed that he is involved in an elaborate math word problem. If he starts by making a truly brilliant movie, and each subsequent movie is exactly 1/2 as good, how many movies does he have to make until he just points a camera at an actual pile of crap for two hours? The answer appears to be eight.

Since the genius of The Sixth Sense, Shyamalan's movies have gone sequentially from "good," to "okay," to "irritating," to "bad," to "what the hell was that even supposed to be?" Airbender, the seventh in the sequence, has been described as equally enjoyable as slamming a door on your fingers, only two hours longer.

Shyamalan has only one more movie to go before he can begin filming the literal crap. That movie is slated to be the long-anticipated big-screen adaptation of the video-game, Pong, starring Hayden Christensen and Lindsay Lohan.

Kagan Criticized for Not Revealing Something Horrible About Herself

2010-06-28T04:28:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON, DC - Confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan begin today. Republicans already have expressed outrage that in the 46,500 pages of documents Kagan has provided the Senate Judiciary Committee, she has failed to provide any evidence that she is a judicial activist, a socialist, a child molester, or a witch. "It's all very suspicious," says Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-AL). "You have to wonder what she's hiding."

"I'm not saying she's got a basement full of severed human heads," says Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC), "but the fact that she's refused to show any proof that she does is deeply troubling." Republicans warn that if Kagan does not voluntarily proffer reasonable grounds to filibuster her nomination, they will have no choice but to filibuster her nomination.

Hipsters Steal Beards from Hasids

2010-06-24T06:02:00.001-07:00

NEW YORK- A crime wave is sweeping through Williamsburg: hipsters stealing beards from Hasidic men. "It wasn't enough they stole our neighborhood, they have to take our beards, too?" laments Moishe Grinfeld, whose beard was ripped off this week.

As many of Brooklyn's hipsters enter their 30s and 40s, they are desperate to still look young and edgy. The most obvious solution is to adopt the look of a conservative 60-year-old. Long, bushy beards have become so de rigeur in the hipster community that the blog, Hipster Whisper has had to run an article on the dangers of beard lice.

Unfortunately, as lengthy beards take a long time to grow-- in some cases longer than the trend is likely to last-- some impatient hipsters have resorted to stealing beards right off the faces of their Hasidic neighbors. The thefts hurt both victim and perpetrator, as the newly bearded hipsters generally end up looking like douchebags.

In response to the crisis, some of the Burg's trendier residents have started a facial hair drive, urging hipsters to donate unwanted handlebar mustaches and steampunk mutton chops to victims of beard theft. But for Grinfeld, there is no substitute for his natural beard. "Until it grows back," he kvetches, "I'm going to look like a real schmeggegie."

Obama Has Fit of Rage, Frowns Slightly

2010-06-04T05:08:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON, DC- An enraged Pres. Obama told Larry King yesterday that he is "furious" over the Gulf Coast oil spill. The normally calm president displayed his uncontrollable anger by pursing his lips slightly and drawing his eyebrows into a subtle frown.

"I've never seen him fly off the handle like that," an aide confided. "If I were [BP CEO] Tony Hayward, I'd be sleeping with one eye open," the aide went on to say, "just in case someone comes by to deliver a very sternly-worded letter."

Robots Fail to Stop Oil Spill

2010-06-03T05:37:00.000-07:00

Yesterday's attempt by BP to use robot submarines with diamond saws to stop the oil spill proved unsuccessful. BP executives are now scouring comic-books in search of another solution, preferably involving psychic monkeys with laser swords.

BP CEO Inconvenienced by Spill

2010-06-02T04:46:00.000-07:00

With the economy and environment of the Gulf Coast in peril, it's easy to forget the real victim of the oil spill, BP CEO Tony Hayward. Since the well began spewing about 70,000 barrels of oil a day into the ocean, it's been nothing but a headache for BP's long-suffering chief executive. "I'd like my life back," Hayward told reporters on Sunday.

Financially speaking, the oil disaster is no big deal for BP. Federal law limits the company's liability to $75 million, on average less than 3% of BP's annual profits. Senate Democrats are attempting to raise the liability cap, but James Inhofe*, an oil industry advocate who moonlights as a US senator, promises that Republicans will filibuster such attempts.

The real cost for BP is the horrible inconvenience that Hayward is suffering. It now appears that he will be forced to spend his entire summer in Louisiana, a state that no longer has any uncontaminated seafood he can eat or clean beaches he can lie out on. An aide close to the executive describes the effect on Hayward's summer vacation plans as "a tragic disaster."

*Sen. Inhofe (R-OK) has received over $1.2 million in campaign contributions from the oil and gas industry. He is the ranking Republican on the Environment and Public Works Committee.

BP Cleans Gulf Coast of Toxic Jounalists

2010-05-26T05:24:00.000-07:00

In the five weeks since news of the Deepwater Horizon oil disaster exploded into the headlines, BP has been working tirelessly to stop the hazardous flow of information. It is still unclear exactly how much journalistic ink has been spilled on this story, but clean-up teams are working day and night to remove potentially toxic journalists, photographers, and bloggers from Louisiana's beaches.

Last week, CBS reporters were threatened with arrest for attempting to film a polluted beach (video here). This week, BP CEO Tony Hayward demonstrated his commitment to cleaning up the news coverage by personally shoeing a cameraman away from a pool of oil.

BP officials are optimistic that they may be able to plug all news leaks within the next several weeks, at which point they can turn their attention to stopping the actual flow of oil.

US Law Should Be Based on Bible, or Other Large Book

2010-05-13T05:43:00.000-07:00

Yesterday the Inquisition reported on Sarah Palin's comment that US law should be based on the Bible. Readers responded with suggestions of other books to base the law on.

Literature Professor Milton Serle believes all law should be based on Moby Dick, a tome similar to the Bible in that it is over a thousand pages and bears no relation to the US Constitution. Serle would like to see the ban on whaling lifted and believes Congress should devote most of its time to poetic discussion of sperm whale anatomy.

Mabel Stoole of Florida has an alternate view. She would like to see a ban on gay marriage and the estate tax because neither are contained in the phone book, the document she believes the founding fathers wanted our laws based on.

"The idea of basing our laws on any single book is patently absurd," says legal scholar, Genevieve Ford. "It would be better to use a series of books, like the Twilight saga." Ford supports President Obama's policy of being dreamy, but would like to see the administration become more dark and brooding.

There are a handful of political thinkers who believe the only governing document for our nation should be the Constitution itself, but this view has been widely rejected as that book is only four pages long and written in large print.

Sarah Palin Declares Bible Supreme Law of the Land

2010-05-12T06:44:00.001-07:00

WASILLA, AK- In an interview with Bill O'Reilly last week, Sarah Palin stated that all American law should be based on the Bible. Although the founding fathers were a religiously diverse group that included agnostics, Deists, Unitarians, and Quakers, she insisted that their intention was that all US law be based on biblical doctrine.

Never one to be guilty of hypocrisy, the former governor immediately discarding her wool blend suits because it is an abomination to wear clothes of two fabrics (Leviticus 19:19). Palin then secluded herself outside the community because she was having her period and was ritually unclean (Leviticus 15:19). She intends to remain in seclusion for seven days, when she will present two young pigeons for her priest to burn on the altar to atone for the uncleanness of her discharge (Leviticus 15:30).

In the meantime, Palin is calling for the stoning death of everyone guilty of sexual immorality. Her daughter, Bristol, who gave birth to a child out of wedlock, has said that if the Bible demands it, she is willing to get stoned.

Not All Republicans Gay, Study Finds

2010-05-06T04:43:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON, DC- This week George Reker, founder of the Family Research Council, became the latest in a series of anti-gay Republicans embroiled in gay sex scandals when he was caught on vacation with a male prostitute he hired on rentboy.com. This comes a little more than a month after anti-gay California state senator Roy Ashburn was arrested for drunk driving leaving a gay club.

The lengthy and ever-growing list of gay Republican scandals most famously has included Sen. Larry Craig (R-ID) soliciting sex in an airport mensroom, National Association of Evangelicals leader Ted Haggard using crystal meth with a male prostitute, and Rep. Mark Foley (R-FL) sexually harassing his teenage male congressional pages.

These scandals, along with ongoing speculation that Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) may be a lesbian, could lead one to conclude that all Republicans are secretly gay. Many pundits believe this suspicion has rendered Democrats incapable of standing up to Republicans on any issue for fear of appearing homophobic.

A new study by the Factual American Research Trust however, suggests that as many as one in five anti-gay Republicans is not gay at all. While the group has not disclosed the specifics of their methodology, it insists that the results are conclusive.

The closed-door study was performed upon a random sampling of Republican politicians and members of groups like Focus on the Family and the Christian Coalition, with a support staff provided by ResearchAssistantBoy.com and a large supply of lube.

For a related story, read "Top Five Republican Gay Sex Scandals" on badmouth.net.

Louisiana Sen. Wants More Drilling

2010-05-05T11:21:00.000-07:00

As Louisiana copes with the most catastrophic oil spill in history, it would be easy for Democratic Sen. Mary Landrieu to pander to special interests (such as the voters of Louisiana) and take a stand against off-shore drilling, but Sen. Landrieu has never been one to take a position just to please three or four million of her constituents.

This week the senator came out in support of continued and accelerated offshore drilling, not because she's received over $400,000 in campaign contributions from the oil and gas industry over the past five years, nor because energy giant, Entergy Corp is her single biggest contributor. Sen. Landrieu just loves oil, and sees tremendous benefits in her entire state being completely covered in thick crude.

"You'll never have to worry about squeaky hinges," a Landrieu aide explains, listing the benefits of completely immersing the state in oil. "It keeps your skin from drying out. The pungent aroma is so strong, no one will notice if you have bad hygiene; and who knows, 'The World's Largest Oil Slick' could well be a bigger tourist draw than great food, music, and boobs.'"

AZ Law Not Racist, Gov Claims

2010-04-30T03:47:00.001-07:00

PHOENIX- Immigrant rights groups are planning nationwide demonstrations tomorrow to protest Arizona's new law, which requires police to stop everyone who might be an illegal immigrant and arrest them if they cannot provide proof of legal residency. Critics claim that the law will lead to racial profiling of Latinos, but a spokesperson for Republican Governor Jan Brewer denies such charges. "This law in no way singles out Hispanics. It applies universally to all brown people, including n-ggers and chinks."

Prophet Muhammad Looks Awful in Photos

2010-04-27T04:30:00.000-07:00

The creators of South Park have been the subject of death threats after including a cartoon representation of the Prophet Muhammad in last week's show. Any visual depiction of the Prophet is forbidden under Islamic law because, as those close to the founder of Islam attest, "he hates the way he looks in pictures, especially recently."

In the roughly 1,400 years since founding the world's second most popular religion, the Prophet has reportedly not aged well. "He's got a big bear gut; he's bald," sources close to the Muhammad say, "and somehow after all these years his acne's just gotten worse."

Despite spending thousands on health and beauty products, including Shake Weights and designer eye cream, the Prophet simply is not happy with his appearance, so much so that although his religious teachings are all about love and peace, he is willing to have anyone killed who posts a picture of him anywhere— especially if it was taken at that bachelor party in Reno.

iPad Good for More Than J--king Off, Apple Claims

2010-04-07T05:06:00.000-07:00

CUPERTINO, CA- On Saturday, Apple sold more than 300,000 of its new iPad, the revolutionary gadget which it claims is absolutely, definitely designed for more than just j--king off to internet porn. As a web surfing device that lacks the functionality of a laptop but is still too big to put in your pocket, the iPad's major selling point seems to be that users can conveniently carry it into a bathroom and hold it with just one hand. Nevertheless, an Apple spokesperson insists "it's not just for porn. There are plenty of other practical applications for the iPad," adding "possibly as many as several."

House Passes Health Bill, Death Panels Storm Capitol

2010-03-22T05:31:00.001-07:00

WASHINGTON, DC- Within minutes of the House passing historic health reform, death panels marched through Washington, killing babies, grandmothers, and American liberty. "Everything the Republicans said was true," screamed a shocked House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA). "They sounded so crazy, but they were right."

President Obama hailed the bill's passage as "not a victory for any one party, but a victory for me, and other secretly gay Muslim Kenyans plotting to destroy the US."

As the socialist Nazi death squads stormed the streets, our founding fathers were seen rising from their graves in outrage. "We built this nation on the core principle that no American should ever have affordable health care," cried a zombie George Washington as he devoured the brains of an innocent passer-by. "Now you've ruined everything."

Glenn Beck Hates Jesus, Expert Says

2010-03-20T03:43:00.001-07:00

NEW YORK- Weeks after urging Christians to abandon their churches if they talked about social justice, religion expert Glenn Beck is calling the House of Representatives' Sunday vote on health reform "an affront to God," because it breaks the Christian sabbath.

"Glenn Beck must really hate Jesus," says the Rev. Juan Kook. "He was always doing crap like giving people health care on the sabbath and talking about social justice."

Beck was joined on his radio show by Rep. Steve King (R-IA), who complained that health reform supporters are trying to "take away the liberty that we have right from God."

According to conservative theologian, Irwin Kram, the God-given liberty King refers to is the freedom to be exploited by insurance companies. According to the book of Genesis, the Lord removed Adam's rib to create Eve. Adam had to pay out-of-pocket for the procedure. For forty days and forty nights he attempted get reimbursed, only to be told that because the operation was performed by God, an out-of-network provider, it was not covered. When he complained, his insurer doubled his premium and evicted him from the Garden of Eden.

Sunday's vote is expected to be extremely close, and activists on both sides are urging everyone to weigh in by taking five minutes to phone the US Capitol at (202) 224-3121, ask for their congressperson's office, and voice their opinion. "Every voice counts, even on the very day of the vote," says Kram. "If this bill passes, we may lose our God-given right to get screwed-over forever, and we cannot let that happen. Please phone now."

Clarence Thomas' Wife Is Teabagger

2010-03-16T06:44:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON, DC- Virginia Thomas, wife of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, has raised eyebrows by forming Liberty Central, Inc., a teabagger lobbyist group dedicated to fighting government "tyranny." Some critics find it ironic that the wife of one of the most influential members of government should form an anti-government group, however Mrs. Thomas is quick to explain that teabaggers are not opposed to the government itself.

"We're just against the bad things the government does," Mrs. Thomas says, "like excessive taxation, flirting with other women, and putting pubic hair in soft drinks."

Palin Survives Canadian Death Panels

2010-03-09T03:52:00.000-08:00

CALGARY-
Former Alaskan governor/ palm reader, Sarah Palin, who has long railed against the dangers of a national health system such as Canada's, this weekend admitted that her family used to cross into Canada to take advantage of its deadly socialist medical institutions. While Palin's critics accuse her of hypocrisy, her supporters see this as a sign bravery.

"When she says public health care is inherently murderous and then admits to using it, it doesn't mean she's full of s--t," says conservative pundit, Mitchell Willburn, "it means she is willing to face down death."

So bold is Palin, that she will subject even her own grandson to the horrors of socialist medicine. Recently revealed court documents show that Tripp has had all of his medical care covered through the Indian Health Services and the Alaska Native Health Center.

"This is the ultimate in self-sacrifice," says Palin-supporter, Irwin Kram. "She knows government hand-outs are bad for people, so she wants to take them all for herself and her family. She's trying to spare us."

Family Ends Kid's Tantrum with 'Bipartisan Deal'

2010-03-03T08:50:00.000-08:00

ALEXANDRIA, VA- Joe and Lisa Clydemark have ended a six-month-long stalemate with their four-year-old daughter, Trisha with what they are describing as a "bipartisan deal." Last fall, Trisha declared that she would not let her parents drive her to preschool. She wanted to go by herself on a pony they would have to buy her. "She screamed, kicked, held her breath," says Lisa. "It was awful."

Although Lisa and Joe outnumbered Trisha, and appeared to have a clear mandate to decide what was best for the family, they feared that anything short of a truly bipartisan solution would lack legitimacy. After months of intense negotiations, they arrived at a compromise. Trisha would get to go to preschool by herself, but not on a pony. She would instead drive the family car.

"It's not an ideal situation," Joe admits, "but it was the best deal we could get through."

So far, Trisha has killed seven pedestrians, but her parents maintain this is a small price to pay for bipartisanship. "About 45,000 people die from lack of health coverage each year," says Lisa, "so seven pedestrians is a drop in the bucket. What's important is that we're trying to please everyone."

One group of people not pleased are the local police, who would like to arrest the Clydemarks. Joe and Lisa insist that they would prefer not to be arrested. The chief of police is hopeful that they can arrive at a bipartisan solution.

Chelsea Clinton Turns 30, Gen Xers Feel Really, Really, Old

2010-02-25T04:34:00.000-08:00

An entire generation of Americans who thought they were still young were shocked to learn that Chelsea Clinton, the gawky adolescent child of Bill and Hillary Clinton, will turn thirty this Saturday.

"That's not possible," counters Marcus Chow, 38. "She was just a kid when I was launching my internet start-up, and that was only-- Crap, that was almost twenty years ago. What happened?"

Clinton's 30th birthday comes as a wake-up call to those born between 1961 and 1981, who must now admit that they can only be called young in comparison to extremely old non-human things, like giant tortoises, redwoods, and Sen Robert Byrd (D-WV).

Clinton is also engaged to be married this summer. "That's just awful," says Jules Woodward, 36. "This is worse than when I heard Nirvana on the classic rock station."

Despite Clinton's upcoming birthday and nuptuals, many so-called "Gen Xers" hang on to the illusion that they are somehow still hip and relevant. "Just because I'm an accountant now doesn't mean I'm not edgy," says Curt Baxter, 40. "I dress my toddler in a Ramones t-shirt, and when he spits up on it, that's totally punk rock. And when I spend my Saturdays working on my landscaping, I'm just being ironic, because-- aw, who am I kidding?"

What makes people in their thirties and forties feel even older is that an even larger number of Americans are not shocked at all by Clinton's intention to turn 30. High school senior, Ricky Blovitz, 18, sums it up best, saying, "Who's Chelsea Clinton?"

Scaled Down Jobs Bill Will Employ 1 American

2010-02-24T04:41:00.000-08:00

WASHINGTON, DC- The Senate is expected to pass a jobs bill today. To gain enough support to break the Republican filibuster, Democrats had to eliminate anything that might be controversial to anyone, resulting in a significantly pared down initiative, but one that Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) is hailing as a major step forward. "This bill takes us in the right direction by creating decent, good-paying jobs for Ernie Lawlor, a local handyman," Reid told press.

Under the bill's provisions, Lawlor will be called upon to deal with "a number of things that need fixing" around the Capitol building. "The American people believe their government is broken," Reid went on to say. "We may not be able to fix that, but we can definitely do something about that step everyone keeps tripping over coming into the Senate chamber. And I think we could all use some additional shelving."

Reid admits that the bill is just the first step toward addressing the nation's unemployment crisis, but promises that more legislation will follow. "If we can pass just 21 million more bills like this," he said, "we'll have the problem taken care of."

Having successfully broken the filibuster this time, Democrats may try a similar approach with health reform, trimming the current bill back to something that just pays for Lawlor to have that thing removed from his neck.

Americans Cross Mexican Border Looking for Jobs

2010-02-19T07:39:00.000-08:00

MEXICALI- With US jobless claims jumping another 31,000 in the past week, and Republicans promising to filibuster the new Senate jobs bill, more Americans are sneaking into Mexico in search of a better life. Unemployment in Mexico is roughly 5%, substantially less than America's current rate of 9.7%

"I don't want to take jobs away from Mexicans," says Dale Fitzsimmons, a former real estate broker who smuggled his wife and children across the border in the trunk of his car, so there would be room in the back seat for his plasma TV, "I just want to do the jobs Mexicans are unwilling to do."

Unfortunately for Fitzsimmons, there are no jobs Mexicans are unwilling to do. "No really," Fitzsimmons says, "I'll clean toilets, or pick fruit in the sun for like a dollar a day, anything to pay my credit card minimums."

Fitzsimmons was disheartened to learn that Mexicans already are doing those very jobs. "Seriously? Who the f**k told me these people were lazy?"

Until the US jobs market improves, analysts predict that Americans will continue to flock to Mexico, and other nations with lower unemployment, like Belize, Namibia, and Bangladesh.

Teabaggers Say Capt. America is Un-American, Also Free Speech

2010-02-12T07:30:00.000-08:00

Teabaggers took offense this week when issue #602 of the comic book, Captain America appeared to depict the teabagging movement as "a bunch of angry white folks." To show their displeasure with such a biased portrayal, a bunch of angry white folks showed up outside Marvel Comics to protest.

"What is America coming to, when an artist can use his work to express a political opinion?" asks teabagger, Peter Cockwright. "That's a right that should be reserved for corporations."

Marvel has issued an apology. Capt. America's arch-nemesis, the Red Skull was unavailable for comment.

Saints Lose Super Bowl, GOP Says

2010-02-10T07:39:00.000-08:00

Last month, when Pres. Obama picked the New Orleans Saints as the team he'd be rooting for in the Super Bowl, Republicans declared that a loss by the Saints would be another indicator that the Obama administration is failing. On Sunday, the president's critics were proven right. Although the Saints scored more points than the Indianapolis Colts (31-17), they failed to beat the Colts by a super-majority of more than 60 points. Republicans are therefore declaring the Obama-backed Saints the losing team.

The Super Bowl loss is part of a string of embarrassing defeats for the president that continued this week as Republicans scored a majority of 33 votes against a meager 52 Democratic votes to block the president's nominee to serve on the always fiercely-debated National Labor Relations Board. Republicans are also using their majority of 41 out of 100 Senate seats to block health reform, financial reform, the latest jobs bill, and anything else the president plans to do ever.

Confused Conservative Attends Wrong 'Teabagger Convention'

2010-02-05T11:50:00.000-08:00

NASHVILLE, TN- The first ever National Tea Party Convention is underway this weekend at the Gaylord Opryland Hotel, drawing massive crowds of over 600 people. More than 0.00002% of the American population has shown up to express its outrage with the current administration.

Unfortunately for conservative blogger, Peter Cockwright, that is not where he ended up. Despite having pre-paid the $549 admission fee to attend this grassroots, populist uprising, Cockwright accidentally spent the past two days at a teabagging party at Club Gaylord, an entirely unrelated Nasvhille establishment.

On Thursday night, while convention attendees were treated to former Colorado congressman, Tom Tancredo's speech on why we must return to Jim Crow era voting literacy tests to prevent Pres. Obama's re-election, Cockwright was across town, experiencing an entirely different opening night ceremony, which he posted about on his blog:

When I first walked in, it was everything I hoped for, a room filled with strong and healthy men, ready to fight for our liberties. To show my patriotism, I was dressed like a Revolutionary War soldier. I was pleased to see many other men dressed as iconic American heroes: cowboys, firefighters, Mae West, etc.

For the next several hours, I did have to undergo some certain… shall we say, hazing rituals that took me back to my old fraternity days. I think I even got hazed by Glenn Beck himself, although I'm not sure, 'cause I didn't get a good look at his face.

But the most important thing was that we were all of one spirit. When I cried out "the liberals and gays are taking over America," the entire room cheered, ready to face the threat together.

After two days of teabagging, Cockwright finally began to suspect he was in the wrong place this morning, when he learned that tonight's main activity would be naked Twister. "I have no problem with fun and games," Cockwright posted, "but I was promised a keynote address by Sarah Palin."

Now that he has figured out his mistake, Cockwright hopes to make it to the actual convention in time to hear the speech blue-collar heroine, Sarah Palin is being paid $100,000 to deliver, but he may be tight on time. "I really don't want to leave here until after today's 'Sausage Sandwich Party,'" he explains. "I love Sarah and all, but I never pass up a free meal."

Dirt-Sledding May Be Highlight of Snow-Free Olympics

2010-02-03T06:36:00.000-08:00

VANCOUVER- Despite the increasing threat of "global cooling," as reported by Fox News, it appears that there may be no snow for the Winter Olympics next week. Olympic organizers are working on last minute contingency plans, replacing traditional winter sports with "more modern" alternatives.

"This could be good for getting a younger audience excited about the games," says Jacques Canard, of the IOC. "The whole notion of snow is very 'last century.'"

Canard hopes to embrace the winter sports of the future, like dirt-sledding. He predicts one of the big crowd pleasers this year will be replacing figure skating with the "not drowning" competition, in which competitors in heavy ice-skates dive into a pond that once would have been frozen in the winter, and perform a challenging four-minute program of struggling not to sink. "Talk about athleticism," Canard raves.

Despite Canard's excitement, many IOC members hope to find a host city with actual snow for the next Winter Olympics, but it may not be easy. With balmy temperatures predicted for most of northern Europe, the Olympic Committee is considering Antarctica as a Winter Games venue, assuming that it still exists in 2014.

Cold Day Disproves 'Global Warming'

2010-01-30T07:20:00.000-08:00

by Dr. Burt Anaru of the Factual American Research Trust (FART)

It was Fox News who first alerted the nation to the dangerous onset of "global cooling." In a January 11 story, Fox quoted renowned climatologist Mojib Latif of the Leibniz Institute as warning that "a mini ice age" was coming upon us.

The fact that Latif denies ever speaking to Fox, and claims that the quotes were completely made up in no way discredits Fox's reporting. The evidence supporting global cooling is irrefutable. It's freaking cold today. Have you been outside?

The alarming trend of colder temperatures goes beyond just today's weather. Across the entire northern hemisphere, temperatures have been dropping for the past six months. High temperatures in every major city are on average forty degrees colder than they were just last July.

Also, the sun disappears below the horizon earlier than it did in July, and re-emerges later on the other side, prompting fears that one day it might not come back at all. As every scientist recognizes, the longer the sun spends under the earth, the greater the chances it will be swallowed by one of the dragons that live just over the edge of the world.

So how do we respond to the threat of global cooling? The only responsible solution is to burn fossil fuels like crazy-- not because this has the power to raise the earth's temperature (the jury's still out on that one), but because God loves it when we burn stuff, and may show mercy upon us. If we commit ourselves today to the nonstop burning of oil, coal, and the occasional sacrificial virgin, I believe we can virtually guaranty that temperatures will begin to rise again by March, or April at the latest.

Apple Denies iPad is 'iPod for Giants'

2010-01-28T06:04:00.001-08:00

SAN FRANCISCO- After months of anticipation, Apple yesterday unveiled the device that is supposed to forever change the way we do everything: the iPad, a "magical and revolutionary" product that will allow users to listen to music, watch videos, run apps, surf the internet, and basically do everything they currently do on an iPod Touch, only on a device four times its size.

"But don't think for a moment this is just an oversized iPod," Steve Jobs explained. "This is a completely new technology. First, it's bigger. Secondly, it's larger. And third, it costs between $500-830."

Apple's CEO was quick to dispel rumors about the new product. "What this is absolutely not is an attempt to curry favor with a race of giants who will soon descend upon humanity and devour us. This is a device for normal sized people." He then added, "of course if you happen to be a twenty-foot tall hulking monstrosity with a taste for human flesh, this is a great way to carry around your entire music library and check email on the go, and it fits neatly in the pocket of any size 96 pair of pants."

Making his remarks from the foot of a beanstalk near Cupertino, Jobs announced that the iPad will be available by late March, and that he will accept payment in golden eggs.

Letting Big Biz Buy and Sell Politicians May Be Economic Boon

2010-01-25T13:09:00.000-08:00

WASHINGTON, DC - While the Supreme Court's decision last week to allow corporations to spend unlimited sums on candidates and elections has been widely derided as a blow to democracy, many economists are hailing the ruling as an economic boon. In the past, if a company wanted to influence a politician, they had to funnel their money through political action committees. Now they are free to buy the politician outright, which could open up a whole new sector of the economy.

"Once a company actually owns a politician," explains economist Milton Feltcher, "they can then resell that politician to another company." Feltcher uses the case of Sen. Joe Lieberman (I-DE). "Insurance companies have given him over $2 million over the years, but insurance only becomes a legislative issue every couple of decades. Now Blue Cross can buy Lieberman for the healthcare vote and then recoup their expense by selling him to someone like Disney, either to represent their interests in upcoming telecommunications legislation, or possibly to play a singing rodent at one of their theme parks."

"For that matter," Feltcher adds, "Lieberman could be sliced up and repackaged with other senators to be sold as 'senatorial derivatives.'" Feltcher even imagines a future in which shares of elected officials could be traded publicly on the stock market, "thereby allowing the American public to feel like they have a small stake in our government." Of course the likelihood of anyone other than the largest investors having an actual say in the democratic process Feltcher admits is "strictly theoretical."

GOP Poised to Dominate Senate, 41-59

2010-01-19T05:01:00.000-08:00

WASHINGTON, DC- The balance of Senate power is up for grabs in today's Massachusetts special election. If Republican state senator/nude model Scott Brown defeats Democrat Martha Coakley, the GOP will control the Senate with a 41 Republican to 59 Democrat majority, effectively crushing the entire Democratic legislative agenda.

Although Republican senators were able to successfully push through their own legislation during most of the Bush years, with only a 51-49 seat lead, Democrats admit that without a filibuster-proof, 60 seat majority it is unlikely that they will be able to accomplish anything.

Since Democrats historically have been what political strategists describe as "a bunch of pussies," many pundits believe that even 60 seats is not enough, and that with anything short of a 100 seat Senate majority, Democrats will be politically, and physiologically impotent.

QVC, Playboy Demand Status in White House Press Corps.

2010-01-16T05:33:00.000-08:00

WASHINGTON, DC- On Wednesday, Fox News devoted less than seven minutes of airtime to the earthquake in Haiti, further proving, as the White House alleged last fall, that Fox is not an actual news network. Nevertheless, the News Corp. owned channel continues to enjoy West Wing office space as part of the White House press corps. Now other non-news networks are demanding equal status.

"We should be able to ask the press secretary if buying Dr. Perricone's Cold Plasma Skin Treatment could be an economic stimulus," a QVC spokesperson says. "That's at least as relevant as talking about tea-baggers."

"We want equal respect," a spokesperson for Syfy explains. "There was more science fiction in Fox's recent report on 'global cooling' then in our upcoming flesh-eating hamster movie, starring Lorenzo Lamas."

"I just want to ask who the president thinks will win the Puppy Bowl," says an Animal Planet correspondent.

The Playboy Channel, TV Land, and Cartoon Network also are seeking White House bureaus. Press Secretary Robet Gibbs has yet to comment on whether space will be allotted for them.

America Cursed with Pat Robertson Due to 'Pact with Devil'

2010-01-14T03:12:00.001-08:00

In the shocking wake of Pat Robertson's statement that the Haiti earthquake was God's will, and a "blessing in disguise," Americans-- particularly Americans of faith-- are wondering what they did to deserve such a person as the Republican televangelist.

"I just don't understand how a loving and just God can allow someone like [Robertson] to exist," says Mabel Wren, a Methodist in North Dakota.

The former presidential candidate has sparked frequent outrage in the past, such as when he blamed 9/11 on American immorality, or when he called on his followers to pray for the death of Supreme Court justices. Theologian, the Rev. Juan Kook, has a theory as to why Robertson has been inflicted upon America. "Our founding fathers made a pact with the Devil to defeat the British, and today God is punishing us with Pat Robertson."

Why punish us now, more than two hundred years later? "The thing you have to understand about the way the Lord works," Kook explains, "is that the Dude's a serious procrastinator. He promises to smite you one minute, then stops to check His Facebook page and bam! A couple centuries have gone by."

As Robertson is now 79, many hope the days of suffering under his affliction are drawing to a close, but Kook warns that "when God really wants to stick it to you, he can prolong the life of someone like that indefinitely." Kook cites the case of South Carolina senator/statutory rapist Strom Thurmond, who lived to be 470. "Let's face it," says Kook, "no one knows how to hold a grudge like God does."

Travelers Protected from Deadly Bottled Water, TSA Says

2010-01-05T03:34:00.000-08:00

Aviation security has drawn fire recently after first permitting alleged Christmas Day undie-bomber, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab of Nigeria to board a plane bound for Detroit, and then on Sunday allowing a man to bypass security at Newark Liberty Airport, forcing the entire airport to be shut down and thousands of passengers to be rescreened. Critics of the Transportation Security Administration say that heightened post-9/11 security has inconvenienced and humiliated travelers without actually making them any safer.

This week, the TSA issued a statement in its defense, listing many of its unsung achievements. "Over the past eight years," a TSA spokesperson announced, "we have confiscated over 90,000 nail clippers, which could have been used to hijack a plane by threatening the pilot with an unflattering manicure. We have disposed of over 30,000 bottles of water, which if brought onto a plane all at once could have flooded it."

The spokesperson continued, "we have caused passengers to lose over $15,000 worth of change emptied from their pockets, money that otherwise could have been used to buy weapons or explosives. We have taken over 18,000 tubes of toothpaste, 7,000 sticks of gel deodorant, and 4,000 bottles of mouthwash, thereby increasing the security of marriages, as businessmen are less likely to hook-up in a hotel bar if they stink. We have kept travelers safe from hair clips, nail files, baby formula, lip gloss, novelty pens, and expensive perfume, all of which in the hands of an evil mastermind like the Professor from Gilligan's Island could easily be converted into a thermonuclear device."

The TSA representative admitted that there still is room for improvement and promised that the agency will place a greater emphasis on training its security screeners with instructional videos, like the following film on the proper way to inspect baggage.

TSA Announces Plans to Make You F---ing Miserable

2009-12-29T07:25:00.001-08:00

Following a failed terrorist attempt to blow up a plane on Christmas day, the Transportation Security Administration has initiated new regulations aimed to make air travel even more unpleasant than it has already become.

"We can't tell you what the new measures are," a TSA spokesperson explains, "but we promise you are really, really going to hate them."

It is believed the enhanced screening techniques will include full body scans, opening luggage so bomb-sniffing dogs may urinate in it, and randomly jabbing travelers in the eye with a stick, or "passenger safety wand."

Public response to the heightened tactics so far has been mixed. "It's a real pain," said passenger Bart Tillson, as a team of security screeners at Chicago's O'Hare Airport licked their fingers and stuck them in his ears, "but if it's this much of a hassle, it's got to make us safer, right?"

According to TSA representatives, the goal of the security protocols is to make air travel so unbearable that "even a terrorist who is willing to blow himself up, won't be willing to go through an airport to do it."

The Senate's Night Before Christmas

2009-12-22T05:35:00.001-08:00

WASHINGTON, DC- The Senate health reform bill passed a second procedural vote this morning, and is on track to come to a final vote on Christmas Eve. In honor of the occasion, the Inquisition offers this poem.

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the Senate
Limped a bill much worse than the day they began it.
The public option was killed by an elf named Joe,

In hopes that insurers would give him more dough.
Those insurers were nestled, all snug and in bed.
With Dems on their payroll, they had nothing to dread.
On Baucus! On Conrad! On Nelson! On Lincoln!*
Keep the good of this bill continually shrinkin'!

When what to my wondering eyes did appear
But Pres. Obama, whom the people hold dear.
The man with the stature to take blue dogs to task
Boldly proclaimed his strategy: "Give them whatever they ask."

The Repubs spread lies (believe it or not),

Labeling market competition a socialist plot.
"There're death panels," chirped Palin, as she posed for paparazzis,
And explained how health care was the goal of the Nazis.

But somehow despite the calumnious racket
This bill boasts insurance for 30 million who lack it.
Though not perfect, it's good, as I'm glad to report it,
So call your senator now (yes, right now) to support it.

On Christmas morning we'll cheer, hoping promises stick.

Merry Christmas to all, and please don't get sick.

To call or email your senator, follow this link. It is really, really easy.

http://www.senate.gov/general/contact_information/senators_cfm.cfm

*These Senate Democrats who have hindered health reform all have taken over $100,000 in campaign contributions from the insurance industry. Sen. Lieberman received $644,394 in his last campaign.

No More TAG for Tiger?

2009-12-21T05:49:00.000-08:00

by Chris Pearson & Allan Piper

On Friday, TAG Heuer announced it will drop Tiger Woods from the ad campaign for its watches. The Swiss company hopes instead to make him the spokesperson for their new line, TAG Everything That Moves.

To Reduce CO2, US Asks China to Hold Its Breath

2009-12-17T04:43:00.000-08:00

COPENHAGEN- Secretary of State Hillary Clinton arrived at the UN Climate Change Conference this morning with a plan to reduce greenhouse gas emissions by over 233,000 tons a year. She is asking the entire population of China to hold its breath.

"I know it sounds tough," Clinton told the Chinese delegation, "but if you can all hold your nose and mouth for just five minutes everyday, you'll be cutting almost as much CO2 as Saint Lucia emits all year." The Secretary of State then added, "and since Saint Lucia's emissions are expected to drop to zero when it's completely underwater, we'd be looking at an overall annual reduction of over half a million tons by 2025."

Several delegates objected that the US should reduce its own emissions before asking other nations to stop breathing, but Clinton defended her proposal as more realistic. "Believe me," she explained, "it'll be easier to convince a billion Chinese to stop breathing than to get anything through Congress."

Lieberman Will Block Health Bill Unless Harry Reid Eats a Bug

2009-12-15T03:10:00.000-08:00

WASHINGTON, DC- Sen. Joe Lieberman (I-CT) first threatened to filibuster any health bill that included a public option. Though many reformers considered the public option the centerpiece of reform, Senate Democrats swiftly bowed to the Connecticut senator's wishes, offering a compromise of a Medicare "buy-in" for Americans aged 55-64.

Lieberman, who had previously supported the buy-in, then demanded that it be stripped from the bill as well. On Monday, Democrats complied. Now the independent senator is threatening to filibuster any health legislation that does not include a provision requiring Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) to eat a bug.

Although Lieberman took $644,394 from the insurance industry in his last campaign, and although his wife has worked as an insurance lobbyist, the senator maintains that he is not trying to block reform altogether. "Nobody wants health reform more than I do," he explains, "but it has to be fiscally responsible," adding, "and Harry has to eat a bug. That's only reasonable."

Patients Wait Only 55 Years for Doctor Under Senate Plan

2009-12-11T03:20:00.000-08:00

WASHINGTON, DC- Details of the health care compromise between Senate Democrats are still scarce, but reports suggest that reformers have traded the prospect of a public option for a "Medicare buy-in," that would allow uninsured people as young as 55 to obtain coverage through the popular seniors' program. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) has described this plan as "better than the public option."

"The Medicare buy-in will offer affordable, reliable health care to every American," a spokesperson for the 70-year-old senator explains, "provided that they wait until they are 55 to get sick."

So far, health reform supporters are enthusiastic about the deal. "As soon as I heard, I made an appointment for my son to see a pediatrician in 2061," says Janice Larker, whose 4-year-old is among America's 9 million uninsured children.

Newlyweds Cara and Michael Tennison are also pleased. "We're eager to start a family in just 31 years," Cara beams, adding "and in only six years, my mother can get that lump checked out."

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) already has expressed opposition to the plan, warning that while Republicans are eager to hash out a deal that is truly bipartisan, they will not support any health care legislation that increases the deficit, reduces the deficit, or leaves the deficit unchanged.

GOP Objects to Whatever Obama Will Say Today

2009-12-08T04:14:00.000-08:00

WASHINGTON, DC - President Obama will unveil a new plan for job growth in a speech today. Although the president has not yet given his speech, House GOP leader John Boehner (R-OH) has already derided it as "a giant step backwards."

No details of the plan have been released, but White House sources suggest that it may involve left over TARP funds. In anticipation that the president might use money set aside for bailing out banks to create jobs for average Americans, Sen. Judd Gregg (R-NH) has preemptively called whatever the president's plan is "an absolute outrage."

A full denunciation of the as-yet-unknown jobs plan came yesterday from Heritage Foundation Senior Fellow, Quincy Wagstaff, who delivered the following address.