As Republican men increasingly come out against birth control in any form, defund Planned Parenthood, make rape harder to prosecute, criminalize miscarriage, require women to have random objects jammed into their vaginas, and even denounce the Girl Scouts as a "radical organization, they are sending a clear message to women across the country: they do not ever want to have sex again.
Nevertheless, as evidenced by Mitt Romney's five children and Rick Santorum's seven, some women are still having sex with Republicans, even those as strangely misshapen as Newt Gingrich. According to Irwin Kram of the Factual American Research Trust (FART), women's insistence on engaging in unnatural Republican sex defiles the purity of GOP values. "Since Republicans have declared abstinence the only acceptable form of birth control, women must respect that belief by abstaining from sex with them."
"Ideally," says Kram, "women should not have sex with anyone. If God intended us to have sex for pleasure, he certainly wouldn't have made it the most physically pleasurable thing we could possibly do." If women absolutely must have sex, Kram urges them not to lead God-fearing Republicans into sin, but to instead settle for godless Democrats like George Clooney or Dennis Kucinich.