Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Republicans Don't Ever Want to Get Laid Again

As Republican men increasingly come out against birth control in any form, defund Planned Parenthood, make rape harder to prosecute, criminalize miscarriage, require women to have random objects jammed into their vaginas, and even denounce the Girl Scouts as a "radical organization, they are sending a clear message to women across the country: they do not ever want to have sex again. 

Nevertheless, as evidenced by Mitt Romney's five children and Rick Santorum's seven, some women are still having sex with Republicans, even those as strangely misshapen as Newt Gingrich. According to Irwin Kram of the Factual American Research Trust (FART), women's insistence on engaging in unnatural Republican sex defiles the purity of GOP values. "Since Republicans have declared abstinence the only acceptable form of birth control, women must respect that belief by abstaining from sex with them."

"Ideally," says Kram, "women should not have sex with anyone. If God intended us to have sex for pleasure, he certainly wouldn't have made it the most physically pleasurable thing we could possibly do." If women absolutely must have sex, Kram urges them not to lead God-fearing Republicans into sin, but to instead settle for godless Democrats like George Clooney or Dennis Kucinich.  

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

WASHINGTON, DC- Chinese Vice President Xi Jinping is visiting the US this week. During most of his visit, he will be accompanied by Vice President Biden. The Inquisition has secured an exclusive transcript of the moment President Obama asked Biden to handle the visit. 

PRES. OBAMA: Joe, the Vice President of China is coming. I need you to handle this important state visit.

VP BIDEN: No problem. I'll make sure he has a good time.

PRES. OBAMA: Great. Xi gets here Monday.

VP BIDEN: "She," right. I'll make sure she has a good time.

PRES. OBAMA: You'll be taking the lead once he gets here.

VP BIDEN: When who gets here?

PRES. OBAMA: No, Hu Jintao's not coming.

VP BIDEN: Who's not coming?

PRES. OBAMA: Right. Xi's coming instead.

VP BIDEN: She is?

PRES. OBAMA: Yes, Xi is. And I need you to make him feel welcome.

VP BIDEN: Eh, wait, wait.

PRES. OBAMA: No, don't bring up Ai Weiwei. That's a touchy subject. Just be on your best behavior with him.

VP BIDEN: With who?

PRES. OBAMA: No, Hu's the President of China.

VP BIDEN: I asked you first.

PRES. OBAMA: Maybe Hillary should handle his one.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

GOP Criticizes Economy for Recovering

Republican are condemning the economy for 23 consecutive months of growth, calling the move "a divisively partisan effort to help re-elect Obama and his economy-killing policies." Party leaders cite the fact that unemployment is at its lowest level in 3 years and the auto industry is doing well enough to hire Clint Eastwood for an ad as proof that the economy "hates America." They are calling on the economy to instead help the country by putting Americans out of work and going into the toilet until after the election.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Mitt Romney: From the Streets

Mitt Romney says he's from "the real streets of America." This video shows just how "streets" he is.