Tuesday, May 17, 2011

'May 21 Doomsayers Are Crazy,' Says 2012 Doomsayer

Followers of the Rev. Harold Camping and his Family Radio Network are preparing for the end of the world on May 21st, a date Camping arrived at using a mathematical formula to derive hidden messages from the Bible.

"What a load of hooey," says Grover Mulch, one of many believers that the world will instead end on December 21st, 2012, as predicted by the Mayan calendar. "Anyone who thinks you can figure out the end of the world from a thousands-of-years-old book is crazy. Clearly you need a thousands-of-years-old stone carving to do that."

Mulch fears the hype around May 21st will get many believers into trouble. "People are quitting their jobs and spending all their savings. What's going to happen when May 21st comes and goes, and they have to support their families for another 19 months?" Mulch has no such financial concerns for himself, having received a large advance payment from black market organ smugglers who expect to harvest his kidneys in 2013. "Suckers!" says Mulch.

Of course there are a few people who don't believe the world will end on either of those days. Melvin Lessor believes the true date of the apocalypse is September 6, 1994, the day Rev. Camping originally predicted. Lessor has been living in an underground bunker for the past sixteen years, repeatedly listening to his Ace of Bass CD and searching AltaVista for confirmation that Fox's Party of Five was in fact the final achievement of human civilization.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Does Fox Wish Obama Dead?

A National Inquisition Editorial

Detractors of Fox News had a field day on Sunday night when a network affiliate ran the headline "Obama bin Laden Dead." In fairness, correspondents for NBC, CBS, and MSNBC made similar slip-ups. Messing up one crucial letter of a word is easy to do.

Of course Fox has always spelled the Al Qaeda leader's name "Usama." So technically, they screwed up two letters. But it's wrong to act as if messing up one or two letters reveals a hidden sentiment.

Fuk News Chief Roger Asses has worked hard to assemble a pail and balasted team of reposeurs. They set their personal views aside and focus on all that matters when covering the president: pure journalistic ethnics. Not even the conspiracy minded Glenn Dick would look for a deeper meaning behind this mistake.

Of course, at least one Fox anchor mixed up as many as ten letters and announced, "President Obama is in fact dead." Fox owner Rupert Dumbf*cker was quick to explain that it was a simple slip of the tongue.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Winning War on Terror Another Failure for Obama

Pres. Obama drew criticism from his detractors this week over the strike that killed Osama bin Laden. "The fact that Obama delivered on a promise that Bush was unable to keep," said House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA), "is proof that this president has no ideas of his own."

Former reality TV star, Sarah Palin complained that it was cowardly to send in Navy SEALS. "A real leader would have personally engaged bin Laden in hand-to-hand combat," she said, adding "I'm a martial arts expert myself, you know. I must have watched Kung Fu Panda fifteen times."

Conspiracy theorist, Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (R-MN) found the whole matter suspicious. "Isn't it funny that the president knew exactly where to find bin Laden?" she asked. "Now I'm not suggesting that Obama has been the mastermind behind Al Qaeda all along, but what if Obama has been the mastermind behind Al Qaeda all along?"

Presidential hopeful, Donald Trump also suspected conspiracy. "The whole thing is just a diversion from the fact that Obama is an illegal alien… or possibly a space alien. Have you noticed he and E.T. have never been in a room at the same time?"

The next question becomes whether the White House will release photos of the Al Qaeda leader's body. "Withholding these photos is proof that Obama has more respect for terrorists than for the American people, and it means the terrorists win" said Irwin Kram, Senior Fellow at the Factual American Research Trust (FART). "Unless of course he does release them, in which case he's making a martyr of bin Laden and the terrorists win. Either way, it's a sad day for America."