Thursday, September 30, 2010

Pundits Agree, God is Terrible Campaign Manager

In an interview this week, Delaware teabagger, Christine O'Donnell said God is guiding her Senate campaign.

This statement came on the heels of revelations that O'Donnell lied about where she went to college, is under investigation for tax evasion, and previously has vowed to stop Americans from having sex. In light of so much bad press, pundits agree that God is badly mismanaging her campaign.

It may be that God is taking on too much, as He also is managing the Senate campaign of Nevada's Sharron Angle. Since declaring that God was behind her, Angle has drawn fire for advocating the abolishment of the Department of Education, appearing to deny the existence of autism, and seeming to call for the assassination of her opponent.

These are not the first instances of God proving an ineffectual campaign manager. Sarah Palin has credited God as running her failed 2008 vice-presidential bid. He was also behind Pat Robertson's botched presidential run in 1988 and Jesus' 33 AD bid to become King of the Jews— a campaign run so badly that the candidate not only lost the election, but was nailed to a piece of wood.

Most pundits believe O'Donnell and Angle would do better to put their campaigns in the hands of a savvier manager, such as the Devil. However, Karl Rove claims he is retired from managing campaigns and is focusing all his energy on promoting his book.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Stop the Government Takeover of Congress!

Editorial by Irwin Kram
Senior Fellow at the Factual American Research Trust (FART)

Today, House Republicans announced a "Pledge to America," promising to protect us from "an out-of-touch government of self-appointed elites." While technically speaking, these elites were appointed by a majority of the US electorate, they pose a dire threat to our Constitutional liberties. Free elections only work if when the wrong people get elected, they aren't allowed to govern. But Democrats refuse to admit that the voters were wrong, and have insisted on trying to govern anyway.

The Left has become so radical, it believes it's the government's job to make, interpret, and enforce the law. Well we the people have had enough, which is why more than 67,000 of us have joined the teabagging movement. That's nearly 0.02% of the US population, and roughly 97% of political news coverage!

But despite the appeal of ex-witch, anti-masturbation activists, voters don't need to abandon traditional Republicans to protect their freedoms. Senate Republicans have not gotten enough credit for their heroic use of the filibuster. In the three years since Democrats took control of the Senate, Republicans have mounted more filibusters than in all the years of the previous decade combined. They have protected the federal courts from being taken over by federally appointed judges, blocking a record 57% of Pres. Obama's judicial nominees, and have successfully stopped over 420 bills!

With the filibuster now a default position, Republicans need only 41 votes to defeat the 59 Democrats. This week's attempted repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell lost with 56 votes for and only 43 against. That's not just a revolution in politics, it's a revolution in math! But of course the liberal media doesn't celebrate this as historically unprecedented. They just treat it as politics as usual.

In the past three months alone, Republican senators have filibustered tax cuts, jobs bills, unemployment, even FAA safety regulations (because if the founding fathers had wanted government to regulate air travel, they would have specifically said so). Congressional Republicans understand that the Constitution limits the role of government to regulating who can marry whom and where people can worship, and they're determined to make sure it does nothing else. Anything beyond that would be un-American.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Not to Be Outdone, Church Plans to Burn Muslims

GAINSEVILLE, FL- Impressed by the media attention Pastor Terry Jones has received for his planned "International Burn a Koran Day," rival Florida Pastor Graham Chapman is upping the ante by sponsoring an "International Burn a Muslim Day."

Chapman is calling on all God-fearing Americans to round up the Muslims in their communities and burn them on the lawn of the Prince of Peace Church tomorrow in the spirit of fellowship. "If you can't bring a Muslim," Pastor Chapman asks, "maybe you can bring some drinks… or ice."

Chapman comes from a long line of burners. His father used to burn crosses on lawns, and his great great grandfather used to burn witches.

The announcement of Chapman's plan came this week as the pastor returned from the Burning Man festival in Nevada, an event whose name he complains is "grossly misleading."

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Jehovah's Witnesses Annoyed by Pushy Atheists

The latest edition of the Jehovah's Witness magazine, Awake complains of what it calls "new atheism." The periodical warns that atheists are no longer content to keep their disbelief to themselves. Instead, they are "on a crusade... passionately trying to persuade the religious to their point of view."

"Those atheists keep showing up at my door, usually at dinner time," complains Norman Tent, a Jehovah's Witness in Brooklyn. "They act like their way is the only way. How can anyone be so arrogant?"

Devin Millstrum is one of these New Atheists. "I don't mean to be pushy," he explains, "but I can't just sit back and watch people condemned to suffer for what seems like eternity every weekend in church, even on perfectly nice days."

Millstrum describes his door-to-door mission as a calling from Jesus, his landscaper. "One day he said to me, 'Mr. Millstrum, you're so laid back and rational. You should share your philosophy.'"

Since then, Millstrum's been spreading his message everywhere he can. "I like canvassing Manhattan," he says. "I can honestly promise people when they die, they'll go to a better place: a hole in the ground slightly larger and cleaner than their current apartment, with no walk up."

Not everyone is receptive, but Millstrum doesn't get discouraged. "When the time comes that I'm called home, by my wife, and I go to meet my Maker's Mark on the rocks, I can rest knowing I have done my best to spread the word."

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Urban Legend Reveals God is Pissy, Insecure A--hole

A note titled "Love vs. Sex" has been circulating on Facebook as a viral posting. The note recounts the urban legend of two teenage girls who walk home alone separately, late one night. The girl who prays to God gets home safely, while the girl who doesn't gets raped. The posting explains that "if you stand up for God, he will stand up for you." And apparently if you don't, He will make sure you get raped in an alley.

Sources close to God explain that although the Deity is the Almighty Creator of Heaven and Earth, He is extremely insecure and gets His feelings hurt when teenage girls don't talk to him. "Sometimes he'll go sulk in his room for days, listening to Creed," an anonymous archangel confides. "Other times he'll go on a real smite binge."

The title, "Love vs. Sex," combined with the note's theme of sexual assault, underscores God's belief that sex is scary and wrong. Although God invented sex, He gets angry when anyone actually engages in it. According to insiders, this also stems from the Lord's insecurity. "He's convinced everyone is getting laid more than He is and it drives Him crazy," one saint explains. "And you wouldn't believe how much he's spent on male enhancement products over the millennia."

As for the girl whom God protected on the dark night in the alley, she complains that since that night, the Almighty has been "excessively clingy." "He keeps asking me to post on Facebook about how great He is for not letting me get raped, and then ask all my friends to repost it to their friends," she says. "It's a little much." While she is grateful that praying to God protected her from sexual assault that night, in the future she plans on just carrying mace.