Tuesday, August 24, 2010

GOP Leader Claims He's Not Satanist

WASHINGTON, DC- A recent poll shows that 18% of Americans, and nearly half of all Republicans believe that Pres. Obama is a Muslim. Given the opportunity to dispel this rumor on behalf of his party on Sunday's Meet the Press, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) said only that "the president says he's a Christian. I take him at his word," seeming to imply that there is still room for doubt.

McConnell's ambiguous wording echoed the Rev. Franklin Graham's Friday statement about whether the president has accepted Christianity: "That's what he says he has done. I cannot say that he hasn't."

When the Inquisition attempted to follow-up with the senator on rumors that he himself is a Satanist, the Kentucky Republican was able to offer no evidence other than his own word that he does not worship The Beast. Like most Satanists, McConnell is a white male, who has never once claimed not to have offered the blood of a child to the Dark Lord upon a profane altar.

The Rev. Graham refused to comment on McConnell's faith. Graham is the son of famed preacher Billy Graham, and says he is not a worshipper of the Hindu monkey god, Hanuman.
Although flinging feces like a monkey and mating with actual monkeys are not traditional Hanumanian practices, we have only Graham's word that he has not performed such acts anyway. Rev. Graham also says he's not gay.

Given the cloud of doubt cast on all three men's faith, the American Values Institute is calling on Graham, McConnell, and Obama to provide irrefutable evidence of their Christianity. Acceptable proof includes such acts as turning water into wine, resurrecting from death, or having sex with an altar boy.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Ground Zero Mosque Franchise Comes to Kansas

MANHATTAN, KS- Kansas residents are up in arms over a controversial plan to build a Ground Zero Mosque in lower Manhattan, Kansas, only 1,300 miles from where the Twin Towers once stood. "It's insensitive to build this on the very ground where we were attacked," says Kansas Tea Party member, Mabel Portis, referring to the ground that constitutes the middle latitudes of the United States.

Like the contested Islamic cultural center planned on "hallowed ground" in New York, Kansas' Ground Zero Mosque is not actually at ground zero. Nor would it technically be a mosque. Strictly speaking, it would be a convenience store, owned by Mohammed Ayud, a Muslim Kansan so radical as to share the same first name as one of the 9/11 hijackers.

Opponents of Ayud's plans are quick to point out that they are not attempting to suppress his constitutionally protected freedom of religion. "Nobody is saying he shouldn't have the right to build this," Portis clarifies. "We're just saying he shouldn't be allowed to."

Professional Twitterer, Sarah Palin has jumped into the fray, calling on "both Muslims and Americans to refudiate Kansas' Ground Zero Mosque, as well as the buildification of any similar structurements anywhere else."

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Senate Candidate Accuses Dems of 'Idolatry'

LAS VEGAS- This week, Las Vegas Sun reporter Jon Ralston uncovered a radio interview with Sharron Angle, in which the Republican Senate candidate claimed that Pres. Obama's policies violate the Bible's First Commandment, and have changed America into "a country entrenched in idolatry."

Standing before a graven image of an American eagle, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs denied that the Obama administration is pushing an idolatrous agenda, explaining that the hill shrines currently under construction in honor of the goddess Ashtaroth are merely part of the president's plan to create jobs.

Angle is running against Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) on a platform of eliminating the Department of Education, reinstating the prohibition of alcohol, banning abortion and same-sex marriage, and withdrawing from the United Nations. If elected, she promises to uphold those parts of the Constitution that don't conflict with American values, and will stand firmly against the president's most recent stimulus proposal, which would require the Federal Reserve to fashion its gold into the likeness of a calf, unto which sacrificial offerings may be made.

For more on making the Bible the supreme law of the land, see the Inquisition article "US Law Should be Based on Bible, or Other Large Book"