Wednesday, May 26, 2010

BP Cleans Gulf Coast of Toxic Jounalists

In the five weeks since news of the Deepwater Horizon oil disaster exploded into the headlines, BP has been working tirelessly to stop the hazardous flow of information. It is still unclear exactly how much journalistic ink has been spilled on this story, but clean-up teams are working day and night to remove potentially toxic journalists, photographers, and bloggers from Louisiana's beaches.

Last week, CBS reporters were threatened with arrest for attempting to film a polluted beach (video here). This week, BP CEO Tony Hayward demonstrated his commitment to cleaning up the news coverage by personally shoeing a cameraman away from a pool of oil.

BP officials are optimistic that they may be able to plug all news leaks within the next several weeks, at which point they can turn their attention to stopping the actual flow of oil.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

US Law Should Be Based on Bible, or Other Large Book

Yesterday the Inquisition reported on Sarah Palin's comment that US law should be based on the Bible. Readers responded with suggestions of other books to base the law on.

Literature Professor Milton Serle believes all law should be based on Moby Dick, a tome similar to the Bible in that it is over a thousand pages and bears no relation to the US Constitution. Serle would like to see the ban on whaling lifted and believes Congress should devote most of its time to poetic discussion of sperm whale anatomy.

Mabel Stoole of Florida has an alternate view. She would like to see a ban on gay marriage and the estate tax because neither are contained in the phone book, the document she believes the founding fathers wanted our laws based on.

"The idea of basing our laws on any single book is patently absurd," says legal scholar, Genevieve Ford. "It would be better to use a series of books, like the Twilight saga." Ford supports President Obama's policy of being dreamy, but would like to see the administration become more dark and brooding.

There are a handful of political thinkers who believe the only governing document for our nation should be the Constitution itself, but this view has been widely rejected as that book is only four pages long and written in large print.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Sarah Palin Declares Bible Supreme Law of the Land

WASILLA, AK- In an interview with Bill O'Reilly last week, Sarah Palin stated that all American law should be based on the Bible. Although the founding fathers were a religiously diverse group that included agnostics, Deists, Unitarians, and Quakers, she insisted that their intention was that all US law be based on biblical doctrine.

Never one to be guilty of hypocrisy, the former governor immediately discarding her wool blend suits because it is an abomination to wear clothes of two fabrics (Leviticus 19:19). Palin then secluded herself outside the community because she was having her period and was ritually unclean (Leviticus 15:19). She intends to remain in seclusion for seven days, when she will present two young pigeons for her priest to burn on the altar to atone for the uncleanness of her discharge (Leviticus 15:30).

In the meantime, Palin is calling for the stoning death of everyone guilty of sexual immorality. Her daughter, Bristol, who gave birth to a child out of wedlock, has said that if the Bible demands it, she is willing to get stoned.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Not All Republicans Gay, Study Finds

WASHINGTON, DC- This week George Reker, founder of the Family Research Council, became the latest in a series of anti-gay Republicans embroiled in gay sex scandals when he was caught on vacation with a male prostitute he hired on This comes a little more than a month after anti-gay California state senator Roy Ashburn was arrested for drunk driving leaving a gay club.

The lengthy and ever-growing list of gay Republican scandals most famously has included Sen. Larry Craig (R-ID) soliciting sex in an airport mensroom, National Association of Evangelicals leader Ted Haggard using crystal meth with a male prostitute, and Rep. Mark Foley (R-FL) sexually harassing his teenage male congressional pages.

These scandals, along with ongoing speculation that Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) may be a lesbian, could lead one to conclude that all Republicans are secretly gay. Many pundits believe this suspicion has rendered Democrats incapable of standing up to Republicans on any issue for fear of appearing homophobic.

A new study by the Factual American Research Trust however, suggests that as many as one in five anti-gay Republicans is not gay at all. While the group has not disclosed the specifics of their methodology, it insists that the results are conclusive.

The closed-door study was performed upon a random sampling of Republican politicians and members of groups like Focus on the Family and the Christian Coalition, with a support staff provided by and a large supply of lube.

For a related story, read "Top Five Republican Gay Sex Scandals" on

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Louisiana Sen. Wants More Drilling

As Louisiana copes with the most catastrophic oil spill in history, it would be easy for Democratic Sen. Mary Landrieu to pander to special interests (such as the voters of Louisiana) and take a stand against off-shore drilling, but Sen. Landrieu has never been one to take a position just to please three or four million of her constituents.

"You'll never have to worry about squeaky hinges," a Landrieu aide explains, listing the benefits of completely immersing the state in oil. "It keeps your skin from drying out. The pungent aroma is so strong, no one will notice if you have bad hygiene; and who knows, 'The World's Largest Oil Slick' could well be a bigger tourist draw than great food, music, and boobs.'"