An entire generation of Americans who thought they were still young were shocked to learn that Chelsea Clinton, the gawky adolescent child of Bill and Hillary Clinton, will turn thirty this Saturday.
"That's not possible," counters Marcus Chow, 38. "She was just a kid when I was launching my internet start-up, and that was only-- Crap, that was almost twenty years ago. What happened?"
Clinton's 30th birthday comes as a wake-up call to those born between 1961 and 1981, who must now admit that they can only be called young in comparison to extremely old non-human things, like giant tortoises, redwoods, and Sen Robert Byrd (D-WV).
Clinton is also engaged to be married this summer. "That's just awful," says Jules Woodward, 36. "This is worse than when I heard Nirvana on the classic rock station."
Despite Clinton's upcoming birthday and nuptuals, many so-called "Gen Xers" hang on to the illusion that they are somehow still hip and relevant. "Just because I'm an accountant now doesn't mean I'm not edgy," says Curt Baxter, 40. "I dress my toddler in a Ramones t-shirt, and when he spits up on it, that's totally punk rock. And when I spend my Saturdays working on my landscaping, I'm just being ironic, because-- aw, who am I kidding?"
What makes people in their thirties and forties feel even older is that an even larger number of Americans are not shocked at all by Clinton's intention to turn 30. High school senior, Ricky Blovitz, 18, sums it up best, saying, "Who's Chelsea Clinton?"