Sunday, November 29, 2009

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Cheney Criticizes Obama for Pardoning Turkey

WASHINGTON, DC- Pres. Obama gave his first presidential pardon yesterday to a Thanksgiving turkey in a traditional ceremony on the White House lawn. Former vice-president Dick Cheney criticized the pardon, citing it as evidence that the current president is "weak on terror."

In a statement delivered from under the bridge where he lives, Cheney said "this kind of poultry amnesty only makes us more susceptible to bird-based terrorism." Under the prior administration, the turkey had been held without trial in a secret prison, and waterboarded ninety-eight times.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

A Thanksgiving Message from the Inquisition

Nearly four hundred years ago, our forefathers sat down for Thanksgiving dinner in what was America's first multicultural celebration. The Native Americans introduced the Pilgrims to new foods and agricultural practices. And in the spirit of brotherhood, the settlers gave their new indigenous friends smallpox, syphilis, and a variety of other stylish European diseases. Without help from the Native Americans, the Pilgrims probably would not have survived their first winter. And without the Pilgrims' civilizing influence, America would still be a place where beautiful women just walk around topless, and no one wants that.

Therefore, it is right and fitting that we commemorate this day with the beautiful, American tradition of eating until we feel sick, acknowledging with prayerful reflection how we grew from a rag-tag band of malnourished colonists to become the proud nation that today is home to the fattest people in the world. May this day find you filled with peace, friendship, and and as much turkey as you can possibly hold down.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Terrorists Do Not Have Super Powers

Editorial by the Infamous Professor Fear
The Infamous Prof. Fear is a world renowned super-villain. He is also Dean of the Fear Academy for Super-Villains in Training.

I'm sick of hearing people suggest that it's "too dangerous" to put the 9/11 terrorists on trial in New York, as if somehow their very presence on US soil will cause a disaster. Now if, like my friend and colleague Dr. Plutonium, they had nuclear reactors in their stomachs, and their burps and farts were atomic blasts, I could see being afraid to bring them here (or to any country that serves fast food), but these are mere mortal mass murderers.

Likewise, I am vexed by the objections to moving Guantanamo detainees to supermax prisons. This week, Senate candidate, Mark Kirk claimed that if suspected terrorists are brought to Illinois' Thomson Correctional Center, "the Chicago metropolitan area will become ground zero for Jihadist terror plots."

Please, it's maximum security. If it's good enough for mobsters, and killers who chop people up and eat them, it's good enough for a wannabe shoe-bomber. Let me tell you from personal experience, even if you have a mind-control ray, an army of mutant henchmen, and have already replaced most of the guards with android lookalikes, it is very, very hard to break out of prison.

And really, what are the other options? Place them in suspended animation and launch them into space? Too expensive. Banish them to a parallel dimension? Yeah, people in parallel dimensions just love it when we send them our super-villains. Talk about a foreign relations nightmare!

What I find most surprising is the suggestion that it would be better to execute terrorists without trial. Rounding up people and killing them is not how America deals with it's enemies; it's how I deal with my enemies. The supposed leader of the free world can't just adopt the practices of a super-villain. There are union rules against it. Be warned, America; should you abandon your founding principles of due legal process, I will do nothing short of filing a complaint with the Super-Villains Guild, and not even Pres. Obama will be able to stop me. Muhahahaha!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Public Option Cola?

Conservative pundit, Irwin Kram believes a healthcare public option is the first step to socialism. The next step, he believes, is a vast liberal soft drink conspiracy. Jen Houston has this story.

Yohei Kawamata, Stephen Mosher, and Marci Reid contributed to this report.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Sarah Palin Unfriends the Inquisition :(

Sarah Palin celebrated a milestone today. She now has over 1 million Facebook fans. With nearly as many virtual friends as Tila Tequila, pundits agree she is almost certain to soon launch a reality show where drunk boys and girls in bikinis compete to make out with her.

To celebrate her one millionth fan, she posted a note lauding her Facebook page as "an
unfiltered communication medium." On the same day, she also filtered the communication by barring Allan Piper, the editor-in-chief of the Inquisition from posting comments and links on her wall.

"I don't get it," says Piper. "Just yesterday I posted the article 'Mayans Predict Palin Will End World in 2012' on her wall. I thought she'd love it, because it portrays her as a woman of tremendous historical significance."

Piper has been periodically posting Inquisition articles on Palin's wall since August. "I thought she'd appreciate it," he explains. "I mean we all know what a voracious reader she is. You remember when Katie Couric asked her what publications she read, she said 'all of them.'"

In honor of Palin's one millionth Facebook friend, the Inquisition has compiled a collection of our coverage of her at "It's a pity I won't be able to post it on her wall now," Piper says. "Maybe somebody else will. I'm pretty sure she'd like it."

Monday, November 16, 2009

Mayans Predict Palin Will End World in 2012

2012 was number one at the box office this weekend. The picture is based on the ancient Mayan prophecy that the world will end in 2012 after Sarah Palin's election as president.

According to Mayan scholars, the ancient mystics believed the end of time would result from the
apotheosis of a charismatic, yet vastly stupid woman, so extremely unsuited for leadership that her rise to power would cause the very universe to collapse in on itself. "The hieroglyphics depict her as a flying huntress," explains Harvard Mayanist, Ian Whetherby, "one who shoots down wolves from a floating chariot that very much resembles a helicopter."

Whetherby warns however, against reading too much into the prophecy. "These are just the attempts of a primitive society to understand their world," advising that any correlation with modern events should be looked on as coincidental.

"That said," he continues, "the inscriptions do specifically name the 'doom-bringer' as Sarah Palin, a former beauty-queen and governor of Alaska, and mother to a brood of offspring with nonsensical names."

When asked about the prophecy at a stop on her book tour, Palin dismissed it as a "wild and paranoid conspiracy theory," and urged the public to focus on the real issues facing our nation, "like how Obama forged his birth certificate to illegally become president, create death panels, and take God off our coins."

Friday, November 6, 2009

Thousands Run Screaming from Health Bill

WASHINGTON, DC- In August, Alaskan housewife, Sarah Palin warned that health reform would bring death panels. This week Virginia Foxx (who is not a porn star, but in fact a US congresswoman) warned that the healthcare bill poses a greater threat to our nation than "any terrorist right now in any country." Even the Boogeyman has warned that health reform is scary, but no one was prepared for the horror yesterday when the nearly 2,000 page House bill HR 3962 broke free from its shackles and lumbered out of the Capitol, threatening millions of Americans with affordable healthcare.

"For God's sake, no," one woman screamed, clutching her toddler, "whatever you do, don't insure my child."

A handful of radicals tried to calm the public, including the President of the United States, the AARP, the American Medical Association, the American Nurses Association, the American Cancer Society, the Consumers Union, and the National Farmers Union. They claimed the hideous, lurching Affordable Health Care for America Act was a gentle, loving creature that was just misunderstood, but their words were drowned out by the screams of terrified villagers, who feared they would soon be forced to suffer long, healthy lives at the hands of doctors they trust.

Their alarm was understandable. It is estimated that lack of health coverage allows 45,000 Americans to die each year, freeing them from the pain and suffering of life, which would be inflicted upon them by universal healthcare.

Soon a torch-wielding mob of tea-baggers drove the beast back into the Capitol, where it will remain until the House votes on its fate tomorrow at 6:00pm. Concerned citizens hoping to influence Congress to either kill the monster, or set it loose on a life-giving rampage are urged to call the US Capitol at (202) 224-3121, ask for their representative's office, and tell them where they stand.