Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Senators Not Swayed by Massive Piles of Cash

WASHINGTON, DC- Five Democrats joined with Republicans on the Senate Finance Committee yesterday to shoot down a public health option. Although all five received substantial campaign contributions from the insurance industry, they insist this was not a factor in their vote.

"I'm doing what's best for America, not the insurance companies," explained Sen. Tom Carper (DE) in a statement issued while shining the shoes of a WellPoint executive. Despite the $233,000 he has taken from the insurance industry, he vowed that he is "not beholden to anyone."

"I'm just looking out for my constituents," Sen. Kent Conrad (ND) said, while washing a car for a Blue Cross executive. He vowed that the $233,625 he received from insurance companies did not influence his decision. Although North Dakota has one of the highest rates of uninsured citizens in the country, Conrad is convinced a public option would be bad for his state.

Sen. Blanche Lincoln (AR), who took $330,850 in insurance money, also had her constituents in mind when she voted against the public option. "A public option is not going to help the 17.5% of Arkansans who are uninsured," she insisted while running to pick up dry-cleaning for an Oxford executive.

Finance Committee Chairman, Sen. Max Baucus (MT), who led the fight against the public option, has received $558,075 from insurers. He also made a statement following the vote, however it was unintelligible, as he was fellating the CEO of UnitedHealth.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

White House Holds Contest to Decide Why We're in Afghanistan

WASHINGTON, DC- Having been unable to articulate a clear goal for US forces in Afghanistan, Pres. Obama has launched a nationwide contest to answer the question, "Just what are we doing over there, anyway?" The president is urging all Americans to email the White House with suggestions.

"We're already getting great stuff," an administration spokesperson says. "So far the most popular answers are 'making the world safe for democracy,' and 'opening a Starbucks in Kabul,'" adding, "At this rate we're bound to come up with a good reason for being there."

Inquisition readers can submit their own answers in our comment section below (look for the tiny, tiny link that says "COMMENTS"). The winner will receive an all-expense-paid weekend for two in Kandahar.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Being Gay a Socialist Plot, Congressman Reveals

On a radio talk show this week, Iowa Republican, Rep. Steve King announced that gay marriage is "a purely socialist concept." The congressman argued that the entire marriage-equality movement is a vast conspiracy to overthrow democracy and institute a communist regime. To hear an audio clip of his statement, click here.

Following King's remarks, a representative for the
Human Rights Campaign offered a full confession. "We have been outed," the spokesperson explained, "the truth is that between 10%-15% of Americans are secretly Marxist revolutionaries, merely posing as gay people. There are no real gay people. It's just something we made up as a cover."

The specifics of how gay marriage was supposed to bring about a socialist revolution remain unclear to everyone except Rep. King and senior members of the Communist Party (a.k.a the Gay Men's Chorus). "I know I'm just a simple operative, but the plot never really made sense to me," says Bruce Laforge, an interior designer whose real name is Vladmir Petroski. "I mean I've been blowing guys for fifteen years and the capitalist regime isn't any closer to falling," adding "frankly I'll be glad to get back to my wife in Russia."

Listen to the audo clip here.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Glenn Beck Boils Frog on TV

NEW YORK- Yesterday Glenn Beck threw a frog into boiling water on his show to demonstrate an old saying and prove the point that... okay, nobody knows what the point was, but here's the video (story continues below).

Beck since has claimed the frog was fake. "I didn't need a real frog to make my point," the Fox News commentator explains. "You see, there's more than one way to skin a cat, and I can prove it. Watch. Oh crap, it got away."

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Scientists on the Brink of Explaining iPhone Bill

PASADENA, CA - Dr. Andrew Thane, a scientist at NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory, recently got an iPhone. "I'd been writing 'Sent from my iPhone' at the bottom of emails for months trying to look cool," he says. "I figured I should finally make it legit."

Thane is thrilled with his new phone, but was puzzled when the first bill arrived. "I'm a pretty smart guy," the rocket scientist explains, "and a cell phone bill isn't exactly... what's the phrase? Anyway, I couldn't make heads or tails of it."

Although the statement came with an instruction manual, titled "How to Read Your Bill," Thane has yet to crack the code. "I get that 'UNTLD EXP M2M MINS' is something to do with mobile-to-mobile, but why do they have to write it like it's a friggin' text message? And as for what 'MAX UNL MNET' is, or 'MMS Opt Out,' I've got no clue. I had to call my friend Lenny."

Dr. Leonard Malveaux, a neurosurgeon at UCLA Medical Center, has been working with Thane to dechiper the bill. "I thought it would be easy," the brain surgeon says. "I mean, it's not like it's... what's the phrase? Anyway, it took weeks of computer modeling just to figure out the correct order to read the multiple two-sided pages in."

Despite the difficulty with the bill, Thane remains pleased with his iPhone. "The moment they put it in my hands, I felt complete for the first time," Thane explains. "I've never loved anything they way I love my iPhone."

"Hello?" says Thane's twelve-year-old daughter, Cyndi. "I'm standing right here."

Thane and Malveaux have applied for federal funds to continue their research. They hope to reach a full understanding of the bill within the next five years.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Glenn Beck Fires Entire White House Staff

WASHINGTON, DC- The Obama administration suffered another setback this week, as Glenn Beck fired the entire staff of the White House. The move was the latest in a series of attacks on members of the president’s team.

Beck first ran a month-long campaign against environmental advisor, Van Jones, labeling him as a “socialist revolutionary.” Jones then resigned. Beck next attacked NEA communications director, Yosi Sergant, accusing him of promoting “Nazi-style propaganda.” Sergant was responsible for the Obama campaign's poster publicity, helping to make the iconic red and blue "HOPE" image ubiquitous in the months leading up to the election. Following Beck's attack, he was demoted.

Yesterday the Fox News commentator took a more drastic step, issuing pink slips to everyone working in the White House, on the grounds of “being a bunch of socialist Nazis.” The sweeping layoffs eliminated the entire administration, from cabinet level to janitorial positions.

"I didn't even know [Glenn Beck] could do that," says a shocked former Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel. "Apparently there's an obscure clause in the Constitution that grants Fox News personalities ultimate authority over the executive branch," adding, "at least that's what he claims. Somebody should probably look it up, but it's not my job anymore."

In a statement issued to the press corps while mowing the White House lawn, Pres. Obama expressed confidence that he could reach a compromise with Beck that would allow the White House to retain half its staff. "I'm going to be a tough negotiator on this," the president vowed, "I'm intent on keeping at least a third of my team intact. It might end up being more like a quarter, or maybe an eighth, but that's as low as I'll go." He added, "maybe one sixteenth, but that's it."

Monday, September 14, 2009

Actual Nazi Disappointed by Obama Healthcare Plan

WASHINGTON, DC- On Saturday, thousands swarmed the National Mall to protest President Obama's proposed healthcare reform. Once again, many protesters bore signs comparing the president to Hitler, but for former S.S. officer, Heinrich Gutter, it was a pale comparison.

"I got so excited when Fox News told me 'Obamacare' had a Nazi agenda," the 89-year-old German immigrant explains. "I assumed the bill would have a provision for killing 6 million Jews, or at least an attempt at total world domination, but what did I find? Bupkis!"

Upon reading the proposed bill, Gutter was appalled to find neither any actual Nazi plans, nor any entertaining fake Nazi plans, like stealing the Ark of the Covenant or keeping Hitler's brain alive inside a jar. "If it weren't bad enough that the bill won't kill anyone," Gutter complains, "it probably even will save millions. I am so disappointed with this president." Gutter looks forward to supporting Sarah Palin in 2012.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Conservatives Honor 9/11 with Day of National Disservice

A resolution signed by President Obama in April designates today, the anniversary of the Sept. 11 attacks, as "a National Day of Service and Remembrance." The idea was first offered by the families of 9/11 victims as a way to honor their memory with good deeds, but has met with outrage from conservatives. In an American Spectator editorial titled "Obama's Plan to Desecrate 9/11," Matthew Vadum warned that liberals are trying to change 9/11 from "a day of fear," to "a day of activism, food banks, and community gardens."

The conservative group, the American Truth Foundation is countering the allegedly liberal "Day of Service" by sponsoring a "Day of National Disservice." Mitchell Willburn, the Foundation chairman says, "We all know 'good deeds' are part of the liberal agenda. That's why the Weekly Standard recently ran an editorial condemning the emotional trait of empathy. We have to counteract liberal acts of empathy and service wherever we see them."

Instead of good deeds, Willburn is urging Americans to spend the day doing bad deeds. "Cut someone off in traffic. Litter. Help an old lady just half way across the street. These are only a few suggestions." Willburn adds, "the President of the United States, and the families of the victims, and the people of New York simply don't understand the true meaning of 9/11, but conservatives do, and we will never forget."

The Inquisition welcomes you, our readers to offer your own suggestions on how to honor this day with either good or bad deeds in our comment section below.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

President Refuses to Schedule Speech around Dance Show

Mary Wiggins, a single mother in Idaho wanted to watch the president address Congress on healthcare last night. The issue matters to her. She lost her insurance when she lost her job and has been unable to take her two-year-old son to the doctor. However, like millions of Americans, Wiggins also thinks she can dance. While ABC, CBS, and NBC preempted their programing to carry President Obama's address, Fox instead ran the premiere of So You Think You Can Dance, forcing Wiggins to make a terrible choice.

"We didn't want it to come to this," a Fox spokesperson explained in a prepared statement. "We were hoping the president would compromise, but for all his talk of bipartisanship, he showed no willingness to move his speech to a more convenient time slot, such as Saturday when Cops is scheduled, or next Tuesday during More to Love." The spokesperson added, "We remain committed to entertain both those who think they can dance, and the estimated fifty-million Americans who cannot dance at all."

The White House's refusal to reschedule the address outraged many dance fans, including South Carolina congressman and former community theatre jazz dancer, Joe Wilson, who was so upset over missing the premiere that he actually shouted at the president during the speech. He has since apologized. "I let my emotions get the best of me," he explains, adding "In retrospect, I probably could have tivoed the show."

As for Mary Wiggins, she settled on an unsatisfactory compromise, frequently flipping back and forth between the two programs. "I think I got the gist of the president's plan, but some of Nigel [Lythgoe]'s critiques went way over my head." She hopes that she will never find herself in such a situation again, saying "No one should ever have to choose between health care and dance."

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

White House Denies Claim, 'Republicans are A--holes'

WASHINGTON, DC - Following a month of pressure from Glenn Beck, President Obama has accepted the resignation of his special environmental advisor, Van Jones. Jones sparked controversy by publicly stating that "Republicans are assholes."

The White House was careful to distance itself from Jones's statement. "The president does not share Jones's view," Press Secretary Robert Gibbs announced. "While it is true that the vast majority of Republicans are assholes, the president is aware that a number of Republicans are not," adding, "possibly as many as several."

An aide to Jones confided that the former "green jobs czar" stands by his remark, citing as recent examples of Republican assholiness, Rush Limbaugh's self-congratulatory celebration of Kennedy's death, the claims of Rep. Michelle Bachmann (R-MN) that President Obama plans to put the nation's youth into forced labor camps, and an ongoing Republican campaign to deny Americans healthcare. The aide also remarked on Glenn Beck in particular, saying "If someone calls you an asshole, and you spend an entire month trying to get him fired over it, chances are he was right."

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Stranger with Van Rescues Children from Obama

ADAMS, OH— Merta Boyle was frightened when she sent her nine-year-old son, Timmy to school this morning. "I knew he'd be exposed to Obama's propaganda, but I didn't know what to do." With the president planning a nationwide address to students, Boyle feared that the message of "work hard, stay in school," would warp her son's impressionable mind, leading him down a lifelong path of Nazi socialist anarchy.

While many school districts chose to ban the speech, for students in Adams County there was no protection. That is, until one man took it upon himself to deliver neighborhood children from political indoctrination. As Boyle helplessly watched her son walk toward school, she was relieved when a stranger with a van scooped him up and drove away. The stranger then went on to pick up at least a dozen more students.

The man was unavailable for comment, but several parents who have seen him around the school playground believe he goes by the name "Uncle Bob." While it is unclear where he was taking the children, their parents agree that anywhere would be safer than their classrooms.

"I was thrilled when he picked up my kids," says mother of two, Jenna Winters. Winters fondly remembers the school addresses of Presidents Ronald Reagan and George H.W. Bush from her childhood, but explains that President Obama is "different" from those presidents. "For starters, he's a-- you know, a socialist. I wouldn't want my kids listening to his speech any more that I'd want them listening to any of that socialist rap music."

Not everyone was thrilled with Uncle Bob's action. "It's all well and good for him to want to protect those kids," says Father Robert Doole of Sacred Heart Church, "but I was planning to shelter the children myself." Doole spent days preparing the church basement for the students. "I bought everything you need to make ice cream sundaes: fudge sauce, whip cream, vaseline. Seriously, I had this covered."

As of press time, the whereabouts of Uncle Bob and the children are unknown, but Boyle, Winters, and the other parents are confident they will be home soon.