Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
"We're already getting great stuff," an administration spokesperson says. "So far the most popular answers are 'making the world safe for democracy,' and 'opening a Starbucks in Kabul,'" adding, "At this rate we're bound to come up with a good reason for being there."
Friday, September 25, 2009
Following King's remarks, a representative for the Human Rights Campaign offered a full confession. "We have been outed," the spokesperson explained, "the truth is that between 10%-15% of Americans are secretly Marxist revolutionaries, merely posing as gay people. There are no real gay people. It's just something we made up as a cover."
The specifics of how gay marriage was supposed to bring about a socialist revolution remain unclear to everyone except Rep. King and senior members of the Communist Party (a.k.a the Gay Men's Chorus). "I know I'm just a simple operative, but the plot never really made sense to me," says Bruce Laforge, an interior designer whose real name is Vladmir Petroski. "I mean I've been blowing guys for fifteen years and the capitalist regime isn't any closer to falling," adding "frankly I'll be glad to get back to my wife in Russia."
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
WASHINGTON, DC- The Obama administration suffered another setback this week, as Glenn Beck fired the entire staff of the White House. The move was the latest in a series of attacks on members of the president’s team.
Beck first ran a month-long campaign against environmental advisor, Van Jones, labeling him as a “socialist revolutionary.” Jones then resigned. Beck next attacked NEA communications director, Yosi Sergant, accusing him of promoting “Nazi-style propaganda.” Sergant was responsible for the Obama campaign's poster publicity, helping to make the iconic red and blue "HOPE" image ubiquitous in the months leading up to the election. Following Beck's attack, he was demoted.
Yesterday the Fox News commentator took a more drastic step, issuing pink slips to everyone working in the White House, on the grounds of “being a bunch of socialist Nazis.” The sweeping layoffs eliminated the entire administration, from cabinet level to janitorial positions.
"I didn't even know [Glenn Beck] could do that," says a shocked former Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel. "Apparently there's an obscure clause in the Constitution that grants Fox News personalities ultimate authority over the executive branch," adding, "at least that's what he claims. Somebody should probably look it up, but it's not my job anymore."
In a statement issued to the press corps while mowing the White House lawn, Pres. Obama expressed confidence that he could reach a compromise with Beck that would allow the White House to retain half its staff. "I'm going to be a tough negotiator on this," the president vowed, "I'm intent on keeping at least a third of my team intact. It might end up being more like a quarter, or maybe an eighth, but that's as low as I'll go." He added, "maybe one sixteenth, but that's it."
Monday, September 14, 2009
"I got so excited when Fox News told me 'Obamacare' had a Nazi agenda," the 89-year-old German immigrant explains. "I assumed the bill would have a provision for killing 6 million Jews, or at least an attempt at total world domination, but what did I find? Bupkis!"
Upon reading the proposed bill, Gutter was appalled to find neither any actual Nazi plans, nor any entertaining fake Nazi plans, like stealing the Ark of the Covenant or keeping Hitler's brain alive inside a jar. "If it weren't bad enough that the bill won't kill anyone," Gutter complains, "it probably even will save millions. I am so disappointed with this president." Gutter looks forward to supporting Sarah Palin in 2012.